Smart and Silly Socratics.

Fantasy Trip: Serengeti-Migration of Wildebeests

2011-06-20T20:51:00.003-04:00

picture borrowed from Serengeti.org

I'm standing on the plains of the Serengeti, waatching the migration of the Wildebeests. This is an amazing spectacle that I am yearning to see. I think this is the ultimate pilgrimage...for over 1.4 million Wildebeests. Can you imagine that many animals running by you? Can you imagine the noise? Can you imagine the smell?

Check out Nileguide's travel destinations...Africa is one of them!

Update--She's almost 2 years old!

2010-06-03T23:21:00.003-04:00

Well here we are almost 2 years later--to her 2nd birthday. She's grown so much. And so have I! I've been enjoying my life as her mother. I've been so incredibly busy that I haven't had much time for anything these past 2 years except loving and learning about Jadyn. I adore her. I couldn't ask for more. Except to learn how to manage my time better!

Another moment of missing..........

2009-12-30T23:58:00.004-05:00

I just finished watching the movie "The Secret Life of Bees" and found myself crying through most of it. The movie wasn't what was making me sad, it was what the movie was stirring in me. For those of you who aren't familiar with the story...its about a young girl growing up poor in the 60's who runs away from home to the place she thought she could learn about her deceased mother. She ends up living with 4 black women who become mothers to her. The movie was about mothers, mother-less children, child-less mothers and strong women teaching a young girl how to love herself and how to be strong.

What was making me sad was feeling like a mother-less child, and worrying about how my daughter was going to feel about herself having been "given away" by her birth mother. The longing I was feeling for my mother was overwhelming at times. And the worry I was feeling for my daughter was also overwhelming.

It's been 3 1/2 years since my mother passed away and I've been missing her a lot lately. The feelings are pretty raw and the longing for her, intense.

The anniversary of my father's death is in 4 days and I feel his loss intensely as well. It surprised me how much I was missing both my parents these past few days. I can't put my finger on why this year. I haven't missed my dad as much as I've missed him the past few days in many years.

Maybe, what's stirring the feelings is that I'm a mother myself and I worry about dying and leaving my daughter, who's already been left by one mother. I hope her knowledge of that first leaving is offset by how much I love her. I hope she always feels my presence and my love.

Zoo Boo Days in 2009.

2009-10-31T07:14:00.002-04:00

Penguin on the loose!

My sweet pea!

2009-10-14T23:10:00.004-04:00

Big Girl!

2009-10-11T10:44:00.001-04:00

I have no idea what she's saying, but she's been scolding me a lot lately!

She's walkin! She's talkin! Where has the time gone???

Swinging on the Swing!

2009-07-20T22:27:00.001-04:00

You should see my baby’s face when she’s sitting on the swing and I’m pushing her. She’s smiling and laughing and then she finally gets in the zone. While she’s swinging she’s singing. Hey, that rhymes. But really, she’s so cute. She loves swinging on the swing. When I stopped the swing to take her off so she could play on the slide she started screaming. I got it, loud and clear. She wanted to keep swinging. So that’s what we did. We swung on the swing.

More cake!

2009-07-05T13:37:00.000-04:00

Happy 1st Birthday Cake, a little early!

2009-07-05T13:36:00.000-04:00

June Pictures

2009-07-05T12:23:00.002-04:00

Fresh from the dryer!!

Sleeping Beauty!

Sweet Baby!

2009-06-06T21:01:00.004-04:00

Bubbi Judy and Zaidi Bob

2009-05-11T06:45:00.002-04:00

Last Monday my sister and I took our children, along with our step dad, to the cemetery. It was the 3rd anniversary of our mom's death. The visit to the cemetery wasn't a quiet nor serene one as I had been thinking it should have been. But Rachel reminded me that we have kids now and kids make noise and fuss and move around and want to move and be out of the stroller and etc.. So, the visit went exactly as it was supposed to go. With kids making noise and moving all around and Zack running around. Just as they would be doing if we were visiting my parents at their home. So...

Dear mom and dad,
I hope its true what everyone says...that you know about the kids and see them and feel so proud and full of joy when you watch them playing and being loved by us, your children. I Hope you know that even though we didn't always get along or agree, I fully believe you loved me and us. That because of that love, all four of us are able to love our children. Yes, all four of us have children now. I have a daughter and Rick has a son. I believe we are all good parents because we had you for parents. Parenting isn't an easy job; with the "ghosts in the nursery" haunting every parent and the day to day issues, its amazing that anyone turns out okay. But, we did. You did the best you could and we turned out okay. Not perfect. But okay. I am proud to say I am your daughter.

Mom, I named my daughter after you and your mother. I hope you are pleased by that. I wanted to honor you both. Even though I don't remember Grandma Rose, she played a very significant role in my life. You remember when I was a child I didn't like my name and always threatened that I was going to change it as soon as I turned 18. Well, you know I could never do that. Grandma Rose named me. I still wish she had named me Sonya Ann, rather then Suanne. But she didn't. I hope Jadyn Rose likes her name. I will tell her all about the strong women whom she is named after. I will make sure she knows how much love has been passed on from generation to generation. I will share with her all my memories of you and the stories I've heard about your mother. I will help her feel strong and proud.

I hope I honor the parents you were by being the best parent I can be. Not perfect, but the best I can be.

Thank you for helping to shape who I am. I love and miss you both.

Jadyn

2009-05-07T08:17:00.005-04:00

Here's some more pictures!

More pictures of my baby!

2009-04-22T07:48:00.002-04:00

9 months old today--April 12

2009-04-19T05:51:00.002-04:00

8 months tomorrow!

2009-03-11T21:56:00.004-04:00

Miss J. will be 8 months tomorrow. 5 months corrected age. Look at my beauty!!!

Are we there yet?

2009-02-23T08:41:00.001-05:00

I have one thing to say...Is it spring yet?

She's 7 months old!

2009-02-20T21:39:00.003-05:00

Here is Miss J. celebrating her 7 month birthday! She's looking so big, and look at those eyes!!!

This picture was taken just before everyone arrived for a play date. Miss J is sitting on the couch waiting for her friends. Look at those eyes!

Here's Miss J and a very good friend, also adopted.

25 random things about Me.

2009-02-02T21:05:00.000-05:00

1. I love being a mom.
2. I hate exercising.
3. I don't look my age.
4. My best friend is my sister.
5. I don't feel my age.
6. I am a chocoholic.
7. My favorite season is spring.
8. I love acting childlike.
9. I haven't read a novel in a long while.
10. My desk is a total mess.
11. I hate cleaning.
12. I've only been drunk once in my life.
13. I enjoy knitting, playing the piano, taking photographs, making pottery and beaded
jewelry.
14. I have 2 cats.
15. I had 2 cats who lived to the ripe old ages of 24 and 22.
16. I hate that my house in Lansing has more luxuries then my house in the metro Detroit
area does and that I don't live in Lansing any longer.
17. I am a master gardener abv (all but volunteer work.)
18. I have a secret desire to be a published author.
19. I've written a children's story.
20. I've written an article that I would like to have published.
21. I have found a journal that will publish it if I just added a literature review.
22. I am afraid to add the literature review even though a colleague of mine promised he
would help me.
23. I've traveled to Israel, Bahama's, Cancun, Costa Rica, Thailand, Canada and many of
the United States.
24. I used to windsurf...I miss doing it.
25. I love saying "Watch for leezards, lady!"

A few random things about me and Miss J.

2009-01-30T23:07:00.002-05:00

1. I love how she nuzzles into my chest when she's tired.
2. I love that she hums when she eats.
3. I love the sounds she makes when she's tired.
4. I love that she often wakes me up by talking and screeching.
5. I love the sound of her laughter.
6. I love the faces she makes when she's eating rice cereal.
7. I love how excited she gets when she sees her bottle.
8. I love how she looks to me and at me when she's in another persons arms.
9. I love the color of her eyes.
10. I love that she grabs my shirtsleeve when I'm changing her diaper.
11. I love that she puts her cheek next to mine.
12. I love the sound of her sweet voice.
13. I love that she's starting to switch her toy from one hand to the other.
14. I love that she insists on sitting up most of the time now.
15. I love that she's beginning to roll over from her tummy to her back.

The 2 J's.

2009-01-29T23:35:00.003-05:00

My little J is on the left. My sister's little J is on the right.

Mommy brain has taken over!

2009-01-27T22:11:00.002-05:00

I cannot remember anything. Except when it comes to Miss J. For her, I remember everything. Every little burp, every little hiccup. Everything! For everyone else, nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Sorry. I can't help it. My brain has turned to mush since J has come to be with me. My sister calls it Mommy Brain. I guess that's what it is, cuz it wasn't like that before J.

I feel bad about it too. I really don't mean to be forgetful. If you've made plans with me and I've stood you up, sorry. If you've asked me to do a favor for you and I didn't do it, sorry. If you look for my posts expecting one, sorry.

Mommy Brain has taken over!

Happy Birthday Miss J.

2009-01-12T23:10:00.004-05:00

	Hanna - Everybody Say Happy Birthday

	Found at skreemr.com

Miss J is 6 months old today! (3 months corrected!) Hip Hip Hooray!

Happy Birthday Miss J.

Spiritual High

2009-01-10T22:19:00.002-05:00

This is the rest of the Moodswings song--Spiritual High. I really love this. I'm not moved by the video but the words send me. Give it a listen.

Here's the real post for today: So I forgot to mention when Miss J started reaching out for things. That was last week. Now she's grabbing things and bringing them to her mouth. She's not very good at it yet, but she's getting there. Then today she rolled over. She had done that 2 times previously, but I believe those times were a result of my having raised her up on her 2 hands. Today's roll was all on her own doing.

Mood music

2009-01-10T21:57:00.001-05:00

	Moodswings - Spiritual High

	Found at skreemr.com

Mom:

2009-01-09T22:45:00.003-05:00

	Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You

	Found at skreemr.com

I will remember you, will you remember me....weep not for the memories.

Standing on the edge of something much too deep. Funny how I feel so much, I cannot say a word....

I will remember you will you remember me. Don't let your life pass you by...weep not for the memories.

Okay, so every time I think about my little girl I can't help but feel my heart swell. It swells so much it hurts.

I only wish my mom were around to share in my awe. I know we didn't always get along. She wasn't the easiest person to be with. I'm sure neither was I. But I do wish she were still alive. I think she would be very happy and content.

She gave me every thing she had, she gave me life. I will remember her. I just wish she hadn't let her life pass her by. I almost let mine pass me by.

She would have 3 little grandchildren living within 5 miles of her, and another on the way. (My younger brother and his wife are expecting a baby in May.)

Actually, the more I think about this the more I realize this post isn't really about my mom, its about me. Truth is, I wish I hadn't waited so long to have a child. I'm 46, soon to be 47, in March. Miss J. is going to be a year in July. I am fearful I won't be around to see her get married, or have children. I try not to worry too much about that. I have decided to mostly focus on making sure there are a lot of people in her life who love her! Because, someday when I am no longer alive, she will need to rely on those people. And the more people she can turn to, the better off she will be.

If I hadn't waited as long as I did, perhaps I would have been able to have a child naturally. Perhaps not. I will never know. As such, I have Miss J. to cherish. But still. There are regrets.

If I hadn't waited as long as I did, perhaps my mother would have been able to know and love my child.

I'm so afraid to love you, more afraid to lose....

I love you mom. I love you Miss J.

Don't let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories.

Three little Kiddies.

2009-01-09T22:33:00.003-05:00

I was babysitting my niece and nephew and Miss J. today. I don't often watch over all 3 of them at once. My sister can do it, easily. Me, well, I'm just getting the hang of being with one. Today however, I decided I would give it a whirl. Twice. Once in the afternoon and once in the evening. I must say, I did alright! Nobody got hurt. Nobody cried too long. Everyone napped this afternoon, and everyone played nicely this evening. Including me, napping and playing!

Today's To Do list:

2009-01-07T07:24:00.003-05:00

Here's today's list of things to do:
1. Cuddle with Miss J. (done)
2. Drink coffee
3. Change litter boxes...they are beginning to smell
4. Pay Bills
5. Work on taxes
6. Cuddle with Miss J.

Lately it seems I rely more and more on lists. If I don't write things down, they don't get done cuz I forget about them. Except, of course, the cuddling with J. part. That always gets done! The other things on my list seem to get forgotten during the cuddling time. I need to change the litter boxes. They really are beginning to smell. And I need to work on my taxes. My accountant is gonna blow a gasket if I don't.

Ever since J. came home my life has been turned upside down and topsy turvy. People always say "You can't imagine how much your life will change once you have a baby, until you have one." I always sort of placated those who would tell me this by nodding in agreement but inside, secretly, I thought they were full of shit. But, you know, it is true. Your life does change, completely! And I realize that I had no idea how much it changes.

For me the changes include never having enough time to take care of myself--eating, sleeping, exercising have all been sort of haphazard. Take the eating thing...I used to make and eat oatmeal every morning for breakfast. Not now...I eat peanut butter on bread (I don't even toast the bread!)

I never get my billings done within the first 3 days of the month, like I used to. I"m lucky to get them done within the first 15 days of the month. The only problem with that is I don't get paid unless I mail out my billing statements. No money means no paying my bills. Oh, and since J., I don't work nearly as much as I used to therefore, don't make nearly as much money as I used to. So the money thing can become an issue.

Oh, I am now drinking coffee and I just took a break to change the litter boxes. They don't smell anymore. (Sorry Kanga and Misty!)

She's spinning!

2009-01-06T06:26:00.001-05:00

She was up early this morning. She wasn't crying. She was talking. And yelling. But not crying. She wanted me to know she was up and she wanted me to get up. I heard her. I also heard this soft banging. I didn't know what it was. So I went in her room to find out what the banging was. She had spun herself around 90 degrees so that she was kicking the bars of the crib.

Yesterday she laughed, today she spins!

What's next?

She laughed!

2009-01-05T16:35:00.003-05:00

So, we're lying on our tummies. She's not so happy, but she's not unhappy either. I'm spinning these plastic rings on this plastic bar thing and then I start spinning this ball with teeny little balls in it. Half the ball is clear, the other half has a face painted on it. So I'm spinning it and all of a sudden I hear this laugh. I couldn't believe my ears. So, I spin it again to check out if I heard right. And, she laughed again. So I spin it again...and she laughed again! Only this laugh lasted longer.

I was thrilled.

Then she started to cry.

I wasn't so thrilled.

So I picked her up and she immediately fell asleep.

She was tired.

That was her first laugh of so many more to come. What a joy!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall

2009-01-04T22:17:00.001-05:00

Mirror, Mirror, who's the fairest of them all? Why, Miss J, of course!

She sleeps like an angel

2009-01-02T20:59:00.003-05:00

And then I get to. I love it when J sleeps through the night. But I must admit, I love it when she sleeps in the daytime too. That way I can get some things done that I've been putting off for what seems like forever. Sometimes I think that makes me a bad mommy; that I like it when she sleeps in the daytime.

When she's awake, though she's so cool to be around. She looks at everything and takes everything in.

But, the best part of being with her is when she gets sleepy. She nuzzles her face into me and gets all squirmy. She keeps nuzzling until she falls asleep. Then she sleeps like an angel.

I'm so lucky she's my angel!

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T04:17:00.005-05:00

Oh how time flies. I've been enjoying time with little miss J. We've been getting used to each other and I've been getting used to being a mom. It is really true...until you have a child of your own, you really don't know what its like. It's an all consuming job. You never have a moment where your baby isn't in your thoughts. No matter where you and s/he are, s/he is always on your mind.

I have been so in love with her it hurts. I am ever so grateful for being chosen to be her mom.

Other things for which I am grateful:

Little J.
Big J. (my sister's daughter.)
Z. man (my sister's son.)
Little J is sleeping through the night...for the most part.
Synagis shots for little J. and all the financial assistance I was able to procure to ensure J. gets those very expensive shots.

I wish you a very happy, healthy, prosperous and peaceful New Year!

Momma Me Ah!

2008-11-17T07:56:00.004-05:00

I can't believe it! It's been almost 3 months since little Miss J. has come home. As you can imagine I am incredibly exhausted, and incredibly in love.

Life has been a whirlwind since the end of August. I'm still trying to catch my breath.

Isn't she lovely?

2008-10-01T21:42:00.009-04:00

Here she is in all her glory....

And I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired! But I love every minute of it, and her!

How long can I hold my breath?

2008-08-16T13:26:00.007-04:00

I started this post on the 16th and finished it today, the 24th.

Well, funny I wrote what I wrote in my last post cuz guess what??? Those birth parents did choose me! I heard from my adoption caseworker on August 13 that they wanted to meet me. My sister just happened to be at my house when the phone rang and J., the caseworker said, "So how would you feel about meeting the birthparents?" to which I replied: Holy Shit, when and really, why? She laughed and said "because they chose you!" At which point I dropped the phone. Fortunately, my sister helped to focus me. I put the call on speaker phone and we both hugged each other while J. told us the situation.

She explained that I would meet the birth parents on the 15th and laid out how these meetings usually go with one caveat...because in this case, the baby has already been born. So, J. did the best she could to let me know what to expect and to remind me about 100 times that the best thing to do is to be myself. They've already seen my adoptive profile so know a lot about me. They chose me because there's things about me they like, a lot. So I just needed to remember to be myself.

I did meet with the birth parents and spent an agonizing weekend and Monday waiting to hear if I would be the official chosen one. Late Monday night J called to give me the good news! I am a mom. Well, assuming no one changes his/her mind. So I've spent every day at the hospital spending time getting to know my daughter. I cannot begin to put into words how I feel. An initial attempt would have to include the word gratitude. Because that I am full of. Not just to the birth parents of this little angel, but to all of my friends and my acquaintances who are being very generous with all of their baby items: clothes, bassinet, crib, and more. I cannot believe how many items people have offered to either give or loan me.

And I cannot believe I am going to be a mom. The whole process has taken 9 months. This is what J. figured out for me today. She told me I've had my pregnancy. I still am waiting with bated breath in case some one changes his or her mind. I don't believe that will happen but....

Isn't she lovely?

Ouch!

2008-08-12T21:26:00.002-04:00

I cannot remember the last time that I posted. I am so very sorry. I don't know what happened. I think life just got the best of me. First there's work, then there's family, then there's exercise, then there's shopping, then there's reading, then there's sleeping and I forgot to write. Hmmm.

So there's this baby thing going on in my life. My sister had her 2nd child, a daughter, in June. I was there for her birth. What an amazing experience. I am so very grateful that my sister and her husband allowed me to be a part of that miracle. I won't every have that experience for myself, so I am lucky to have been able to witness it from the other side.

Thank you sister!

My baby thing is this adoption thing. I got an e-mail 2 weeks ago from the adoption agency that did my profile asking me if I would consider adopting a baby who was born
at 28 weeks to which I replied yes, depending on certain items of concern. All of my questions were answered and I said a definite yes! I also asked how many profiles were given to the birth parents and was told "less then 5" which meant I had at least a 25% chance of being chosen to be the mom to this little baby. I had my fingers crossed and my hopes up, although I tried really hard not to let my hopes rise. As of today I have heard nothing. I thought I would have heard something by the end of last week. The adoption worker who I spoke with told me I should hear by today at the very latest. I can only assume that since I have heard nothing, that I have not been chosen. I have to tell myself that this baby was not meant for me. That there is a baby out there that is supposed to be mine...I hope. Yes, I am disappointed and sad. I do hope there is a baby for me. Soon........

Why am I still a nervous wreck?

2008-03-14T14:05:00.001-04:00

Wow, over a month has gone by since I've last posted and I thought I was feeling like posting more regularly. Who knew.

You'd think that since my house is rented that I wouldn't be worrying so much. Ha! My sister tells me I'm worrying just as much, if not more. I think I'm the kind of person who has to have something to worry about. I can't just be happy....

That's what I thought until about 5 days ago. The rent for March did get paid and the mortgage for that month got paid as well. I did feel much relief after that...but I always find something to worry about.

And when I worry, I stress. And when I stress, I get myself into all sorts of troubles. Let's see...on Tuesday I got into a minor car accident. In a parking lot so the police wouldn't come out. Which is okay with me. To be totally honest, I think it was both the other driver's and my fault. We were both in a hurry and then we both got pissy about the whole thing...then the accident happened. Luckily we weren't driving very fast. We scraped the side of each other's car. I'm glad Michigan is a no-fault state. But I realize that the accident didn't have to happen at all. I need to practice acting out of a place of love and patience. Oh how I try. But sometimes I seem to fail at that. The only thing I can say is I have to keep trying. I'm human after all. And that means I'm not perfect.

So...I'm going to practice acting out of a place of love.

Time for a change.

2008-01-29T17:16:00.000-05:00

Well, I decided it was time for a change. My life has been changing lately and it was time I changed my blog. I'm feeling more and more like I have something to say as is reflected by the number of my postings lately.

Look for more postings.............

Yes, its a done deal!

2008-01-25T22:05:00.001-05:00

Well the eggs are hatched and I've counted my chickens and they add up well. I have indeed rented my house and got my asking price! This is where we all give a collective sigh of relief. AAAHHHHHHHHHH. 

I have now taken it off the real estate market and kind pay off some bills and even have a little bit of fun. Now that I have a little extra money. Let's give that collective sigh again please. AAAHHHHHHHH. 

The rent I will be collecting will pay the mortgage and the property taxes. Sigh here please....AAAHHHHHHH.

One more sigh, if you don't mind. AAAHHHHHHH.

I am using a property management company but they weren't having much luck finding a tenant. So, I posted my house on craigslist. I initially posted it and that evening I deleted the post and immediately reposted it so it would come up as a new posting every day. And I believe that helped the situation. As soon as I started doing that I had received 12 responses within a 2 week period. And one of those responses rented it. So...I also was pretty wordy in my description of the house and posted pictures. I am very happy and relieved. Okay, just one more sigh please. AAAHHHHHHH.

So now I get to pay off the debt I've accumulated since moving to my new house and paying 2 mortgages, I get to save, save, save for that baby to be and I will allow myself a trip this year...since I do love to travel and I have not gone anyplace exotic in a few years. I'll keep you posted on the travel plans.

Hip Hip Hooray for me!

I hope all is well with all of you.

The house has been rented!

2008-01-25T11:20:00.001-05:00

Well, I shouldn't count my chickens before the eggs are hatched cuz didn't I get really close to selling the place and the buyers backed out at the last minute?!? Well, I have probable renters who will sign the least today at 3pm. I have my fingers crossed that they will actually sign it. I will keep you posted.

It's a girl!

2008-01-18T14:44:00.001-05:00

We're having a baby. No, not me. At least, not yet anyway. My sister and her husband are having another one. It's a girl this time and we are all so very excited. When my sister was pregnant with my nephew she and her husband agreed that the gender would be a surprise. They also agreed that with subsequent pregnancies they would learn the sex of the baby. So...we know she's a girl! She's supposed to come into the world on June 11th. I am very happy about this but there's a bitter sweet feeling that seems to exist as well.

I'm thinking about my mom. She's been gone for almost 2 years now. Jeez! I can't believe its been that long. At times it still feels like yesterday, and other times it feels like forever ago. My sister and I have talked about how we are used to our lives without our father. He passed away in 1986. That's 22 years ago. We've both agreed that we do not want to get used to our lives without our mother. I believe we were thinking that about our father way back when.

I am so very sad that she won't be around to see her daughters have children or get to know her daughters children. Nor will those grandchildren have the opportunity to know her.

As for my baby process...it is official. All of my adoption paperwork is complete and turned in. I am now in the waiting phase. It sort of feels like being pregnant. Only I don't know when the baby will be born. So its a protracted pregnancy. That's okay. I'm planning for the nursery and all my friends and my sister's friends are helping to shop for baby stuff. It's fun. I'm having fun anyway.

In the process I'm feeling better about living in the metro Detroit area. And, I've been dating again. Wow. It's been a while since I've dated and this is fun too. Who knows, maybe moving back "home" was not such a bad idea after all.

I'll keep you posted on all the goings on around here.

Watch Out For That Flu Bug!

2008-01-10T13:51:00.001-05:00

In case you aren't aware of this, there is a nasty flu bug going on around. Vomiting with diarrhea and a fever. It lasts 4-5 days. So, be careful to wash your hands regularly. Take your vitamins, eat right and make sure to get enough sleep.

I am on the watch for that flu. My sister, bro-in-law and nephew all have it and I'm avoiding them like they've got the plague.

Stay healthy!

Travel from Hell

2008-01-08T15:22:00.001-05:00

Well, I made it back to Michigan in one piece after a travel from hell trip. Traveling to my brother's in Illinois should have only been a 2 hour plane trip. He lives just 5 minutes from a smaller airport and things should have gone smoothly. But, on the day we were supposed to leave, there was a butt load of fog in Illinois, so our flight was initially delayed, then canceled. Unfortunately, because my sister, her husband and their 21 month old son, did not book their flights on the same itinerary as my step-dad and I, we were not to be rebooked on the same flight, and, we were not to be rebooked on a flight that day. It was important for us to get to Illinois that day as it was my niece's birthday and we were all looking forward to spending time with her and celebrating her big 15th! So...we opted to fly into Midway in Chicago which my brother neglected to tell me and so did NorthWorst airlines, that there are no flights from Midway to Bloomington (where my brother lives). Well, we made it to Midway but had no way to get to Bloomington. All the car rental places were booked, there were limo's but they cost upwards of $800.00. Eventually, we discovered a bus that ran from Midway to Bloomington. That was another 2.5 hours. So, here's how the day looked...we got to Detroit airport by 7:30 to catch a 9am flight. We left Detroit at 2 and landed there at 2:30pm. We caught a bus at 6 and got to Bloomington at 8:30pm. Now, we had initially decided not to drive thinking it would take way to0 long to get to Bloomington, a whopping 6.5 hours by car...Who knew!?!

Oh, but wait, dear readers...on our return trip we had part deux of our travel from hell saga.

We were to leave Christmas Eve day to return to Detroit. We got to the Bloomington airport at 9 to catch a 10am flight. We loaded onto the plane and loaded off the plane with the knowledge that there was a slight difficulty and we were to be leaving shortly. The captain told us to "stay close to the terminal" in case we were able to leave shortly. Ha! The airport is so small we couldn't help but stay close.

Anyway...our flight was canceled and again we were not to be booked to leave Bloomington for Detroit until Christmas day...that is, if there were any available flights. So, we opted to fly to Atlanta then to Detroit. Remember our travel time was supposed to be 2.5 hours.
We left Bloomington at 2pm, landed in Atlanta at 4:30. We left Atlanta at 6pm and landed in Detroit at 8:30pm. We did not make it home until 10:30 that night.

So...here's the deal. I can understand that weather and plane troubles interfere with the best laid flight plans. But what I cannot understand is how unhelpful and how unfriendly many of the Northworst customer service people were. If I had been rude and nasty to them in my dealings with them during these trying times I would expect rudeness back. I could go on and on about this, but I won't. Suffice it to say they were not a helpful bunch. To add insult to injury...there was a particular TSA person at the Bloomington airport who was one nasty biotch. Again, if my family had been rude and nasty to her I would expect the same in return.

There was no call for the rudeness and nastiness we received those 2 days. For shame on Northwest and on the TSA person at Bloomington Airport.

In spite of all of this I want to wish you all a happy new year.

Happy Holidays to you!

2007-12-19T22:41:00.001-05:00

Well, I'm off to Illinois to spend the weekend with my brother and his family. We will celebrate the holidays with them and exchange gifts. We'll also eat a lot of really good food and I'll get to visit with my nieces and nephews. I am really looking forward to the time away.

I hope you have good holidays, however you spend them. If you are traveling, I wish you a safe journey.

Happy New Year!

Depression

2007-12-12T12:46:00.001-05:00

So, as a therapist, let me tell you a little about depression. Depression is made up of lots of regressions.

First, when people are depressed they tend to forget about how time passes as an adult and think about time from a young child's perspective. For example, depressed people think that they have been, or they will be depressed "forever". When really, 3 weeks, 3 months, even 3 years isn't forever. But, if you were a young child, say 3 weeks old, then 3 weeks is forever. It's actually a lifetime. And, 3 months or 3 years to a 3 week old is beyond comprehension.
Get it?

Second, when people are depressed they feel helpless. They forget that they take care of themselves every day. They get themselves up and dressed. They feed themselves, go to work, or school and often take care of others. See where this is going in terms of regression? An infant or very young child cannot take care of him/herself. S/he IS helpless and relies on others for survival. A young child cannot distract himself from his feelings. Whereas an adult can. He can take a nap, go for a walk, call a friend, eat something...whatever it takes to distract from the depression, if even for just a little while.

Third, when people are depressed they feel hopeless. As if nothing is going to change, ever. Babies really don't have any idea that things will be different for them. But things always change.

We just have to remember about time as we know it as adults, that we are not helpless nor do things stay stagnant.

Fighting depression

2007-12-11T14:12:00.001-05:00

I think I've figured out what's been going on with me. I've been fighting depression. So far, I've been successful at keeping it at bay. But, its not always easy.

I think it mostly has to do with the death of my mother a year and a half ago. Now that I'm living back in my old stomping grounds her death has been incredibly crystal clear, and incredibly painful. I chose to move back to the Detroit area to be closer to her. I had envisioned that I would pick h er up so she could come to my house and spend the day with me. She'd sit in this really comfortable arm chair I have, read the paper and take a nap while I cooked a nice comfort meal. We'd chat a while, drink some tea and have dinner. Then I'd take her home. So many weekends have passed since I've moved here where that fantasy has been really strong in my mind. And, it can't happen. So, I'd grieve some more.

There have also been times when I have felt the urge to call her. Only I remember that I can't. Then Thanksgiving approached and I was even more painfully aware of my loss. Thanksgiving was her favorite holiday because most of my family would be together. Family was important to her. She would always ask us to just be together for a meal whenever it was her birthday or mother's day, as a gift to her.

Plus, I miss my old house. No, I haven't sold it yet. Nor have I been able to rent it. I suppose if I had, then I wouldn't miss it so much. But since I still have ties to it and I have to check on it every once in a while, I seem to be unable to fully let it go in my mind.

And, I think that change is just plain painful. And I've had and will have lots of changes in my life.

What, you may ask, am I doing to fight off my depression? Well, I try real hard to let the feelings come. I know that having feelings is not a bad thing; that feelings are useful. (That's what we therapists always tell our patients!) And, I'm exercising, eating right, taking my vitamins, trying hard to get enough sleep, staying in touch with friends and family and doing things that make me happy. You know, I enjoy reading, playing the piano, making pottery, taking photos of all sorts of people and things, and now knitting.

What do you do to fend off depression?

Waning interest.

2007-12-04T13:03:00.001-05:00

Hi folks,
You may have forgotten me, but I haven't forgotten you. I've just had waning interest in posting on my blog. I made a huge announcement back in October and haven't posted since. Sorry about that. I've not done much of anything exciting, except doing tons of paperwork for the adoption stuff. And now with the holiday's coming and work being what it is, I still don't have much interest but I did want to assure all of you that I'm still around and still thinking about you.

Talk soon, I promise.

Nu?

2007-10-25T20:01:00.001-04:00

Okay, I've been keeping a secret. I'm sorry. I just wasn't prepared to let the world in on this bit of news until I was sure about it. And, now I am sure........

I am adopting a baby! I have started my home study process and its going along quite smoothly. I met with my adoption worker once so far and she'll be coming to my house next week. I am really very excited and really terrified at the same time. OMG!

Earlier this year I was working with a fertility specialist in hopes of conceiving. Unfortunately that didn't work. (Even though young women are told to not worry, they've got plenty of time to have a baby and they can have a baby even in their 40's, it really isn't true. Menopause begins when a woman is in her mid 20's. When a woman hits 45 it's next to impossible to have a baby using her own eggs. This is what I've learned after months of trying to conceive using my eggs, donor sperm and utilizing IUI. All those movie stars having babies in their 40's are probably using donor eggs.)

After much thought and lengthy discussions with my sister, family and my best friend I decided that instead of trying to conceive using donor eggs and donor sperm, I would adopt. There are many babies already born and soon to be born, in this country, who are in need of a loving home. And, that I can provide.

So, that's my news for now. I could have a baby next year. Really, OMG!

Flu Season

2007-10-23T10:55:00.001-04:00

My poor little nephew is sick. He's got a terrible throat thing going on. It's not bacterial so the doc's can't give him anything to help him recover quick. He's just got to ride it out. Unfortunately, he doesn't really talk all that much yet so its really hard to know what he wants and needs. He's been doing a lot of whining. My poor sister! She's been home with him for 2 days now. They can't really go anywhere. Except yesterday they went to the doctor's office which is when they learned that what he has is viral. He's not eating, doesn't want to drink anything, is running a 102 fever and can't seem to find a comfortable position to be in. Plus, his back molars are coming in. Can you imagine??? Sore throat and teething to boot. I don't envy the little fellow. I just wish he had access to more words so he could tell us what he wanted and how he felt.

And today is my sister's anniversary. She and her husband were supposed to be going out to a nice dinner this evening and I was going to babysit. I don't think that's going to happen. I told her I would babysit another day if Zack wasn't feeling good and they decided to stay home with him. In fact, if he isn't feeling good, I am not up for babysitting. He won't want me. I don't provide the comfort that his mom and dad do. So, we shall see.

Maybe I'll read some of Blindness tonight.

Book club

2007-10-22T12:58:00.001-04:00

I recently joined a book club and I wasn't quite sure how it would go. In fact, I was a little nervous about attending. I was afraid that I was not as smart as the folks in the group and that I wouldn't have much to contribute. I was feeling a little insecure, but I went in spite of my fears. The book up for discussion was "My Sisters Keeper." I found it to be an easy read. It's about a family with 3 children. One of whom was diagnosed, at age 3, with a very rare and oftentimes fatal form of cancer. The parents of this child decided to have a 3rd child and genetically engineered her to be almost identical to their older daughter's genes in order to use her cord blood to treat the older daughter's cancer. Unfortunately, the cancer raged it ugly head and the story continues with the parents taking more and more from their 3rd child in hopes of saving the eldest daughter.

I thought we'd mostly discuss the question of medical ethics. However, the discussion really focused on mothers and fathers making decisions for their children without really consulting with the children. The question of medical ethics came into play especially when these decisions had to deal with medical issues. In addition, we discussed how parents will, without meaning to, neglect the healthy children to care for the sick one(s).

So, I had a really great time participating in this group. There were 8 of us in attendance. All of us were women. Our ages ranged from early 20's to the mid 40's. (I suspect I was the oldest woman there.) Sitting with 7 other incredibly bright women who were open with their ideas and interested in hearing the ideas of others left me feeling extremely respectful and humble. Bright people are very powerful. I was especially struck by the youngest member of this group and how thoughtful she was in the way she voiced her ideas. I think she was also the brightest of all of us in the room.

The next book for our group discussion is Blindness by Jose Saramango. It's about a community that is struck by an epidemic of blindness. The "authorities" place the blind in an institution. However, a woman gets institutionalized by mistake. The book is about what happens between the people who are institutionalized. I've read it before and enjoyed it. The book club meets on November 12th and I am really looking forward to discussing this book and hearing what others think about it.

How much do you share?

2007-10-11T10:22:00.001-04:00

I know I have not posted regularly in a while and I've been pondering why that is. The only possible reason that I can come up with is that I've not been wanting to share with the entire world what's going on in my life since it all has felt so powerful as of late. I've wanted to keep things private and since I am not good, most of the time, with idle chit chat, I just decided to not post on my blog.

This begs the question...just how much do you share on your blog? Do you tell everything that you think; even the most private of thoughts? Or, do you keep some for yourself?

Is it the difference between privacy and secrecy? I'm not sure. But I do know that there have been times when I've thought about blogging that I've decided to not because I wasn't ready to share what my true thoughts were. I wasn't keeping secrets from you, I just wanted to keep some things private.

Let me add this thought...I know that only a few people read my blog regularly and that there might be others who stop by as they are scrolling through the list of blogs looking for something in particular or just looking. Perhaps it is from those folks that I decided to keep some things private.

I wonder...what do you think?

I'm borrowing this from Elisabeth...Friday's Feast on Sunday

2007-09-30T19:28:00.001-04:00

Appetizer
How are you today?

I am feeling much less stressed about a lot of things. However I am feeling full of grief as of late, over the loss of my mother 1 1/2 years ago. I can't figure out why I have been missing her so much these days. Hmmm. I'll have to think on this and let you know. Actually...I have an idea. I'll share someday soon.

Soup
Name 3 television shows you watch on a regular basis.

I absolutely adore Boston Legal. I love the characters that James Spader and William Shatner play. I have always loved Candice Bergen. And for me, the jury is still out on John Larroquet.
I miss West Wing. That has always been my all time favorite. Now, I program my DVR to record Brother's and Sister's, Oprah and of course, Boston Legal.

Salad
What’s the scariest weather situation you’ve experienced?

I am not bothered by weather. I love storms. I love the sound and the smells. I don't think I've ever been scared in a weather situation.

Main Course
If you could wake up tomorrow morning in another country, where would you want to be?

I think Africa. It's next on my travel agenda.

Dessert
What do you usually wear to sleep?

Well, I've been experiencing hot flashes as of late, so I wear next to nothing. Perhaps just a t-shirt.

I know it's been a while

2007-09-28T21:16:00.001-04:00

I know it's been a while since I've written. There really isn't much going on. No, I have not sold, nor have I rented out the other house. I have been working quite a bit, which is nice since I'm earning enough money to pay the bills. I've been eating healthy and walking a lot which is paying off, since all my fall clothes from last year are fitting me better then they did previously and folks are asking me if I'm losing weight and telling me I look great. I love that!

I've had no sewer trouble since I had the pipes replaced and everything seems to be going smoothly.

Last weekend I went up north with my best friend and her 3 little ones. We had a great time. They have a very lovely "cottage" although I would call it a gorgeous house. In fact, if it were in my neighborhood, I would love to live in it. It reminds me of my Lansing house. The bathrooms are great and I love the kitchen. It has a wrap around porch, which is sublime.  Anyway...we had a great time. My friend and I stayed up late both nights talking and catching up. She used to be my next door neighbor when I lived in Lansing. She and her family moved to a bigger house about 3 years ago just prior to the birth of her twins. When we lived next door, we would often visit each other late in the evenings. We'd get our pj's on and walk to the others house and stay up late drinking wine and talking. I miss those days.

Update

2007-09-08T23:19:00.001-04:00

Since I haven't written in a while, I thought I should and provide you with an update as to what's been going on in my life the past few weeks.

As most of you know, I've been trying to sell the house I just recently moved out of. It's been on the market for well over a year and still has not sold. I finally decided to hire a new Realtor who advised me to also try to rent it. So, that's what I'm doing. I'm trying to sell and rent my house. Whichever happens first, I will be relieved. I hired a property management company, the one that my new Realtor recommended. I feel comfortable with both the Realtor and the owner of the management company. I've also told my neighbors, well the ones I was friendly with anyway. They understand and of course hope, if I have to rent it, that I have "good renters". And, so do I.

Last Sunday was the unveiling ceremony of my mother's headstone. It was a very sad day for me. I had not been wanting to have this ceremony take place because I realized I was denying that my mother was dead. I imagined that as long as there was no headstone, or that as long as I didn't see the headstone, then she must not be dead. We could not put the ceremony off any longer. And of course when I saw the headstone I knew I couldn't deny my mother's death any longer.

My older brother and his family came into town and were staying with me for the weekend. They usually stay with me when they come to town. And just as it happened during the week of sitting Shiva when my mom died last summer, the sewer backed up in my basement this past weekend. My brother was in the downstairs bathroom having just used it when my nephew came running up the stairs yelling to me that his dad wanted me and that I should come right away. I could hear my brother yelling to me to bring towels. Lots of towels. So I did. I brought all the towels I could find...which meant my good ones as well as the not so good ones and we used almost all of them to sop up the not so clean water.

You might recall that I have just recently had my basement nicely finished and fully carpeted. Needless to say, as I was last year when this happened, I was incredibly distraught again this year. Especially since I had had the drain snaked out in April as the plumbers had previously advised. So, here they come again to clean the drain, yet another time. And, I decided to have a clean out put in in the front.  (Elisabeth, in case you haven't decided to buy a house yet, don't let this be a deterrent for you. I still am glad I own this house and have a beautifully finished basement...sewer problems and all!) Well, those plumbers came over to my house yet again, yesterday and put a camera down my sewer drain at which time we saw (yes I was looking too!) that the pipe leading to the main sewer had a large crack running down it, and we also saw lots and lots of tree roots. So, I decided to have these lovely plumbers replace the pipe. Which they did. It took them all day yesterday and they left me with a very large pile of dirt that runs the length of my front yard and is about 3 feet wide and 2 feet high. I have to let it sit over the winter so it will settle. So, for the next 8 months or so I will be looking at dirt. What a lovely view from my front window.

Now that I've spent just over $2000.00 dollars to have the pipes replaced, I'm feeling a tad stretched financially. Paying 2 mortgages really puts a crimp in my spending habits. So, I've put off replacing all those lovely towels that I had to throw away since they sopped up sewer water. Luckily, I have a cousin who works for a fire and water restoration company. He came over on Sunday and cleaned up all the mess for me, and checked to make sure that the walls and carpet didn't get wet. Whew! was I lucky. The pad under the carpet by the bathroom and laundry room did get wet, but sopped up the water enough so that the carpet didn't get wet. Now I just have to have someone come out to replace the pad, relay the carpet in those areas and get the carpet cleaned in those same areas. That I can live with! I can't imagine how I'd feel if I had to replace all of the carpet, or if I had to have the walls ripped out because they had gotten wet, which meant, contaminated by the sewage.

I am so lucky! Poor, but lucky!

---I'm going to stop here, even though there's more to write. I want to get back into blogging again. I think I'm ready and if I tell all now, there'll be nothing left to entice me back tomorrow.

Yep, I'm still here.

2007-08-24T13:40:00.001-04:00

Well hello,
I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been busy with other things. Like unpacking, organizing, working, working, and working. Oh, and did I mention I've been working?

To update you, no my other house has not sold yet. Its not even on the market at the moment. My Realtor dropped the ball by telling me she would still keep my house listed on the MLS until we had a chance to sign a new contract...which is how we've done things in the past. Needless to say, I have been interviewing new Realtors and hope to sign with someone within the next 2 weeks. At this point I am feeling okay about the fact that the house has not sold. But I know I will be feeling somewhat anxious very soon if I don't get it on the market again, or at least find someone to rent it. Which is actually what I am thinking very seriously about doing. We shall see.

Let's see, what else? Oh, my mother's birthday was this past Saturday. She would have been 67 this year. I miss her a lot. I still can't believe she's gone. We are having the unveiling ceremony for her headstone next week. I am not looking forward to that...more grief will surface and grieving is quite painful.

Work is good. Or at least, getting better. My clientèle is growing. I'm slowly building up my practice which is a relief. That means I'm working a lot more. I'm also involved with 2 organizations which require a bit of time. And, I'll be teaching 2 classes this fall. So, I'm preparing for that as well.

Anyway, that's all for now. I still don't have the umph to write a lot, but I suppose I'll be back soon.

Frustration abounds!

2007-08-04T09:14:00.001-04:00

Here's my list of frustrations:

1. I can't seem to sell my other house. Don't ask me why. I still think its a great house. But, it hasn't sold and its been on the market for over a year. It's not overpriced, well, I suppose it is because no one is buying it. But I can't really give it away now can I?

2. I still have a bunch of boxes to unpack in my new house and I need to throw things away but deciding on what to toss is overwhelming to me for some reason.

3. I have no motivation to prepare for a class I am supposed to teach beginning in September. Uh Oh! I need to start preparing like now!

4. I have a ton of papers to file since I've moved and I have no motivation to file them, let alone organize my home office.

...my sister and brother-in-law bought me a magnet on one of their trips. It says...

"Bitch Sue Bitch
See Sue Bitch"

Sometimes I need to Bitch!!!

So really, what's on my mind?!?

2007-08-03T13:11:00.000-04:00

Here's what I want to know:

Do you

1. make your bed everyday?
2. put the toothpaste tube away after you brush your teeth?
3. brush your teeth before you eat breakfast, or after?
4. set the toilet paper roll on the holder with the paper going over the roll, or under?
5. read all your e-mail?

Not very much exciting stuff going on in my life these days. Same stuff, different day.
What's new with you?

It's FRIDAY!

2007-07-27T22:39:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I'm reading blogs, but I'm not writing anything in mine.
So, here's today's thoughts...I went to Ikea today with my sister, her husband and their son. That is one huge store. They have everything. And I mean everything. Its like this big warehouse of stuff. Some of it is junk, but a lot of it is nice and nicely priced. We got there about an hour before they closed, so we only got through 1/100th of the store. I told my sister that I have to go back. I want to really look around when I've got more time and money, and after I've unpacked all my stuff so I can see what I might need for the "new" house.

Speaking of houses, I spoke with my realtor today and she told me that there was a showing last week, which she neglected to tell me about prior to this. I was a little disappointed that I didn't know about the showing, but glad there was one none the less. Unfortunately, there's been no feedback, nor requests for a second showing. Poop!

When will it end????? When will this real estate slump end?

Anyone have any ideas on that? Anyone been to Ikea?

Where oh where have I been?

2007-07-24T22:33:00.001-04:00

I have been here. In my new digs. Still unpacking. Trying to get settled. Working and trying to figure out what to do with all this extra time I have now that I'm not traveling back and forth between houses that are 90 miles apart. Whew! I did not realize just how much time it took to do that. It isn't just the drive. That's a breeze. It's all the mental preparation that goes into the traveling that takes up all my time and energy. Now, I'm in one place and I'm adjusting.

I'll be back soon...after I've adjusted.

Adjustment Reaction with Mixed Emotional Features

2007-07-14T10:55:00.001-04:00

That's my diagnosis these days. I am feeling a wide variety of emotions due to the major changes in my life that I am attempting to adjust to.

I have now been living full time in my house since Monday. (I moved in on the 29th of June, but left almost immediately to go on vacation to Cape May and returned this past Monday. So, I can't count the days between the 5th and the 9th.) I am still not settled. Aside from all the boxes that I still need to unpack, my rhythm is all discombobulated. I am used to traveling back and forth between houses. Half a week here, half a week there and I can't quite seem to feel grounded. I don't remember what it's like to have one toothbrush and one makeup bag. And, to not have to think about what work clothes to pack and hopefully not forget to bring back to the other house.

My emotional state has been quite up and down lately. What with the move, vacation, boxes all over, cat being ill, paying 2 mortgages, believing that my "old" house was sold, being disappointed that it's not sold, not being able to fully utilize my kitchen for cooking because there are too many boxes, can's and pots and pans all over the place with no place to put everything, I've been feeling quite a lot. I've been feeling distressed, sad, angry, happy, joyful, frustrated, disappointed, disgruntled, depressed, envious, worried, fearful, frightened, excited, and the list goes on and on and on.

Another area of tension for me is the traffic load here in metro Detroit as compared to Mid-Michigan. There is a lot more traffic here which means that there are a lot more people driving like tools then in mid-Michigan. And, I tend to take bad driving personal. I work really hard to not react when some asshole cuts me off, but sometimes I say aggressive things out loud. Thankfully, the windows are shut most of the time. I also have to try really hard to not honk my horn, flick my brights on and off or whatever because as my sister points out, that person I just flipped off might have a gun and have less control over their impulses then I do.

On a good note, there are quite a lot more good grocery stores and oodles more good restaurants. I haven't begun to explore the restaurant scene, but rest assured that I will.

Surprise!

2007-07-13T11:55:00.001-04:00

I have a new template for my blog. Do you like it?

Did I say "It's a Done Deal?!?!?!?"

2007-07-12T19:31:00.001-04:00

Oh my GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There will be no, I repeat NO house closing on Monday. The inspection was yesterday and I truly thought everything would be okay. Well, it was not. There were 2 things the inspector found that blew me away. Almost literally.
Plus, my Realtor initially did not know why the people had backed out of the deal. Not until later that is. But, in the meantime, having heard the news that they had backed out, I flipped out.

So, here's what was found. The first is minor. Something that needs addressing, but minor none the less. There is evidence of carpenter ants in the ceiling above my sun room. I was not aware of this, but now that I think about it, I had noticed some dust in the corners of the floor. Not regular dust, but bigger dust. so, this makes sense, and I've already called someone to get out there to take care of it. There. Done.

The second thing is very minor...to me. But very major to the "buyers" (she snears.) The inspector found some evidence of water damage. Now, let me explain that my house sits below the soil grade. You have to take a step down to get into it. And, the inspector saw some old water damage that he indicated was not recent, but was concerned about because there could be some structural damage. But what gets me is that no one bothered to check with me about this. And, because I had had the leak fixed almost 15 years ago, I had completely forgot about it and therefore did not put it on the disclosure statement. My bad. So, here's what happened with the leak...prior to my having an office in my house I had to convert one of the bedrooms to my office. That meant I had to have a window removed so a door could be put in. The guys I hired to do the work did a shitty job and as soon as I realized there was a problem, noted because water would come into the house at the doorway when it rained, I had it repaired. And, to take extra precautions to prevent it from happening again, I had a drain system put in. No problems since. Had the "buyers" asked I would have been able to clarify the issue. I am dumbfounded that they would not have asked especially since the inspector said the damage was not recent, but perhaps even before my moving into the house. But, it was during my stay and not for long and is fixed.

I am recovered from my flip out, but am still feeling very incredulous about the whole thing.

My Realtor did put in a call to the "buyers" Realtor to tell him what I did about the problem, but we still don't know for sure if that was the water damage the inspector found, or if there was some other source of damage. And, I have not heard if they are reconsidering or not. I do not have my hopes up.

Oy Vey.

It's a done deal!

2007-07-10T13:16:00.001-04:00

Well, assuming the inspection goes well, I've sold my house. It's a done deal. Those folks who looked at my place 5 times finally decided to make me an offer. But, it was one I could refuse. They came in really low. I mean, really, really low. I countered just a few thousand under my asking price and told my realtor to let them know I was firm. They accepted. So, if the inspection goes well, closing will be on Monday. They want to move in quickly. So...yea for me!

Plus, I'm all moved. except for some garden plants and my wall speakers. Which I reserved to keep.

Last Thursday I went to visit my friends who have a house at Cape May Point. My realtor called me on Thursday to let me know they accepted my offer. I returned yesterday knowing that the inspection is scheduled for tomorrow. Yippee!!!

What a relief. Now I just have to unpack and get settled in my new house.

Brief report on the goings on around here.

2007-06-29T12:41:00.001-04:00

Well hello everyone,
Tomorrow is the big furniture moving day. Well, my books too as well as the garage stuff, patio furniture and other miscellaneous stuff. I am feeling better about the move now. Especially since a friend of mine came over to the new house last night and together we spent a total of 8 hours (4 per person) getting the kitchen almost all set. Whew! What a job that was.

In the process I was able to put some things away in the closets. The man who finished the basement for me was finally able to put the shelves up in the closets as well as create a closet system for me in my walk-in closet in the basement. As a result, I was able to move some things around and clear out some of the stuff that was all over the house. Things look much better now and as a consequence, I feel much better.

An issue that came up for me, completely unrelated to the move, is my youngest and littlest cat had diarrhea all over the new house while I was back in the old house for 5 days. There were spots of it all over the carpet I had just had cleaned, as well as on the new carpet in the basement. Plus, I saw spots that looked like urine with some blood in it. Add to this, the previous week she had swallowed some dental floss, which I did not know was dental floss until I took the specimen to the vet who identified as such, and not a tape worm. Which is what I thought it was. Needless to say, I've had quite the time with this cat recently including spending hundreds of dollars on vet bills. Hopefully, all is well now. She had no ill effects of the dental floss, and we're checking the urine to see if there's an infection and I surmised that the diarrhea is due to stress as well as not eating the food she normally eats, which is for her severe food allergies. Oy vey!

One more report....those folks who came to look at my house 3 and then 4 times are coming again today for the 5th time. What is up with that? I can only assume they like it, otherwise why look at it 5 times. Now they just need to make me an offer I can't refuse! Otherwise, I'll have to charge them a gawkers fee!

Waste not, want not.

2007-06-27T11:40:00.000-04:00

Okay, just one more post before disconnecting my computer. I was cleaning out the freezer and fridge last night in preparation for moving the left-over food to the new house tonight and I ended up throwing away at least $100.00 worth of food that I had let go bad. Add to that, I cleaned out the pantry and packed up all the canned goods, pasta and other items that don't need refrigeration and there too I ended up throwing away at least $25.00 worth of food. What a waste. I've decided that I have to learn to shop more efficiently and to actually use the foods I've purchased. Otherwise I will become a wasteful person.

The idea of being a wasteful person does not sit well with me. I also like to think of myself as a person who is environment friendly. You know, I recycle.

It's sooooooo funny to me when I think of just how much stuff I waste. And, what I consider important. Like, for instance, I only use Charmin toilet paper. Charmin is not earth friendly, but I prefer its texture over the earth friendly tp texture. This, amongst many other infractions, makes me not so environmentally conscious.

Just so you know, I have replaced all of my light-bulbs with the energy-saving light bulbs. So, this makes me feel good. But, when I ended up throwing away all that food turned bad I felt like I was a hypocrite. I really have got to get more serious about this aspect of me - caring for the earth aspect.

What do you do for the environment?

See you on the flip side

2007-06-27T07:57:00.000-04:00

I am moving in 3 days. Actually, my furniture is moving in 3 days. I am moving today. All of my stuff, sans furniture, is at the new house. So the computer gets shutdown today. And will not be re-connected until probably late Saturday night or Sunday. I may be able to post prior to that if I find a working internet connection someplace.

Wish me luck....... and pray that my lovely furniture doesn't get scratched or marred by the big, burly moving men.

(I hope they're good looking!)

6 days left.......

2007-06-24T20:17:00.000-04:00

Okay, there are 6 days left and I'm here in my old house with almost everything boxed up. Actually, most of my stuff is at the other house. I've had over a year to move my stuff and I have. Almost everything except my furniture. And my feelings.

I am very attached to this old house of mine. I've been here since 1992. This is the first house I ever bought. I bought it when I was not yet 30. About 4 years ago, before I knew I was going to move, I put an addition on it. I built a second story-master suite with a beautiful bedroom, bath and walk-in closet. You might remember some of the pictures from a previous post. (Sorry, no link today.) I've lost 2 of my beloved pets while living in this house. In addition, I obtained a post-graduate certificate in psychoanalysis and I've completed an analysis of my own. One in which I've learned quite a bit about myself. Where you could say, as my sister did earlier today, I found myself, all while living in this house.

The decision to move was based on numerous factors.
1. My mother's health was declining and I wanted to be closer to where she lived.
2. I wanted to be closer to where my sister and her family lived to allow me to
develop close relations with her children.
3. I can make more money in the city to which I am moving.

So, one and a half years ago I bought a little house thinking that I would be able to sell the old house rather quickly. Because I was not, and mostly because my mom died unexpectedly last May, I have been grieving all sorts of things. There is another issue at play here. I desperately wish to have a child and have not been able to. I am 45 and my biological clock is ticking rather loudly. I'm not sure if having a child will be possible for me. I've got some medical issues that might make it impossible. This makes me very very sad.

Once I know if I am unable to have a child, I will have to let go of the fantasies of raising a child. I am going to miss this house. I am missing my mom. I am going to miss the fantasies of being a mom.

10 days, but really only 4.

2007-06-20T08:52:00.001-04:00

The countdown says I have 10 days until I move, which sounds like a lot of time to finish packing. But I really have only 4 days since I leave today to go back to the new/other house so I can work and earn some money. I return to the old house on Saturday night which then leaves me Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and 1/2 of Wednesday to pack because I head back to the other house on Wednesday night and don't return again until late Friday night and the movers come on Saturday morning bright and early. So...that's why I have been scarce--trying to get everything packed and trying to move what I can. I'm also trying to stay calm because there's no use in fretting.

I'll be back--so don't forget about me.

Home selling.

2007-06-13T17:00:00.001-04:00

Whoa!!! Someone is coming to look at my house tomorrow for the third time. Yes, you read that right...the 3rd time. Plus, she wanted information about the utilities...like how much I paid for the past year. I hurriedly whipped up a report using my quicken telling how much I spent on water, gas, electric and sewer for the past 2 years. That should make her happy.

Keep your fingers crossed. I am ready to sever my connections to mid-Michigan and selling my house would surely be nice.

Only 18 days left!

2007-06-12T19:48:00.001-04:00

Notice the countdown on the right? Well, that's what I've been up to these days. Packing and moving my boxes. I have been so busy trying to be organized about all of this. So far, I'm doing okay keeping up with it all. Just okay, but Okay none the less.

So, if you don't hear from me in a while,  you know why.

My Stuff

2007-06-04T21:16:00.001-04:00

So, remember how I was bitching about feeling overwhelmed with all the stuff I have to do to get ready to move and all the stuff I had to get rid of cuz I didn't want to take it with me, including 3 windsurfing boards and a bunch of equipment to go with? Well, I sold all the windsurfing equipment including the boards for a cheap price, but its all gone. And, I sold my office furniture for a very reasonable price. Now, I just keep packing and packing and packing. Oh, I have to get the other house ready to move the furniture into, which means I have to move all the boxes that I've been moving over there for the past year, unpack them all and put the stuff away, otherwise, my furniture won't fit. And, I have 26 days to do it in. Minus this weekend, since my sister and I are going to visit our older brother in Illinois. Whew!

India Arie

2007-06-03T23:04:00.001-04:00

I really like India Arie. She has 2 songs that really send me.

Video

Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't

Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't

Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes

It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I'm not the average girl from your video

and I ain't built like a supermodel

But, I learned to love myself unconditionally

Because I am a queen

I'm not the average girl from your video

My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes

No matter what I'm wearing I will always be India Arie

When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me

Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be

And I know my creator didn't make no mistakes on me

My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I'm lovin' what I see

I'm not the average girl from your video

and I ain't built like a supermodel

But, I learned to love myself unconditionally

Because I am a queen

I'm not the average girl from your video

My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes

No matter what I'm wearing I will always be India Arie

Am I less of a lady if I don't wear pantyhose?

My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows

But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion, confusion's the name of the

game

A misconception, a vast deception

Something's gotta change

Don't be offended this is all my opinion

ain't nothing that I'm sayin law

This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share with

y'all

So get in where you fit in go on and shine

Clear your mind, now's the time

Put your salt on the shelf

Go on and love yourself

'Cuz everything's gonna be all right

I'm not the average girl from your video

and I ain't built like a supermodel

But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally

Because I am a queen

I'm not the average girl from your video

My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes

No matter what I'm wearing I will always be India Arie

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks

I don't need that to have a good time

Keep your expensive car and your caviar

All I need is my guitar

Keep your Kristal and your pistol

I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal

Don't need your silicon I prefer my own

What God gave me is just fine

I'm not the average girl from your video

and I ain't built like a supermodel

But, I learned to love myself unconditionally

Because I am a queen

I'm not the average girl from your video

My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes

No matter what I'm wearing I will always be India Arie

and Beautiful Flower but I can't find the lyrics. I think the song is too new.

Countdown Continues

2007-05-30T11:55:00.001-04:00

It is now 31 days until I move. I have almost everything packed except the garage. I've packed up everything in the kitchen except what I will still need for the next month. Both bathrooms and all the closets are empty of stuff. The living room has very little knick knacks on the shelves and I've packed up my bedroom. No more stuff lying around. It looks empty and I'm feeling sad about giving up this beautiful space I've created for myself.

I'm hoping to create another beautiful space at the next house.

See Sue Bitch.

2007-05-29T12:01:00.001-04:00

Oh, I am so disorganized I can hardly stand it. I am trying my damndest to get things together to make my move as easy as possible, but every time I turn around, something comes up that I need to attend to. And they end up being more difficult then one would think possible.

~I wanted to cancel my gym membership so I called them and they told me I had to come in to close the account. They would collect my gym card then and have me sign a resignation letter. I told them I would be happy to mail them my card and write a letter of resignation. They told me I had to come in. Okay, ugh.
~I want to move my internet/cable from one house to the other, while keeping my same e-mail address. The cable company told me that since I already have an open account at the new house, I have to close my old account at the old house, turn in the cable modem and open another account at the new house where they will bring me a new cable modem. Huh?
~I need to buy replacement legs for a sofa that I bought from a fire and water restoration place...I needed a sofa to seat the folks who were going to paying their respects during the time my mother died so my nephew arranged for this one, it's really nice by the way, just sans legs. You'd think it would be easy to get replacement legs by going to a furniture store or a hardware store...but HAH! not so easy. The furniture store wants the make and model of the sofa so they can order them from the manufacturer. I just want to buy 4 friggin sofa legs to attach to the bottom of the sofa.
~I have 3 (yes THREE) windsurfing boards that I want to get rid of. And, YES, I LIVE IN MID MICHIGAN. WHO WINDSURFS IN MID MICHIGAN?!? I did at one point on the small local lake, but not any longer and for some unknown reason, I did not dispose of them prior to now. OY VEY! Wanna buy a windsurfing board and the equipment to go with?
~I need to arrange for carpet cleaning and sofa cleaning at my new house. And I have to be able to be there when it gets cleaned. Not so easy when one travels between 2 house that are almost 100 miles apart.
~And to top it all off, I still have packing to do!

Truth can be painful

2007-05-27T21:04:00.001-04:00

John Ciardi
(1916-1986)

True or False

True
or False

Real emeralds are worth more than synthetics

but the only way to tell one from the other

is to heat them to a stated temperature,

then tap. When it's done properly

the real one shatters.

I have no emeralds.

I was told this about them by a woman

who said someone had told her: True or false,

I have held my own palmful of bright breakage

from a truth too late. I know the principle.

Pleasantville

2007-05-27T20:47:00.001-04:00

Do you remember that movie "Pleasantville" with Toby McGuire, Jeff Daniels and et al? Well, its on tv now and I'm watching it and thinking about passion and vitality. I love that movie. It reminded me of me before analysis (aka b.a.). I felt like I was living with my eyes wide shut. My world seemed like it was in black and white, rather then in color. I didn't feel passionate about anything. I was depressed. I had lived most of my life feeling that way, until I got into psychoanalysis. My analyst was this guy in his late 70's. He was the most gentle, kind person I have ever met. Oh, I digress. He helped me to open my eyes and find my passion. Who knew some old geyser would help a 30 something single woman find her soul. I digress again, The thing I liked best about that movie was when color started appearing. When the characters started feeling alive and passionate, then they saw red. And green. You know, red with anger and green with envy. I really was grateful when my colors (passion) started appearing. That feeling of newness and awe and wonder rocks my world. I value that more then day to day feeling. Don't get me wrong, I do truly value feeling my feelings. But there's something about discovery and newness that sends me.

What do you think?

Ahhhhhhhh

2007-05-24T13:48:00.001-04:00

If you ever wanted to give me a gift, besides the ones listed in the sidebar, you wouldn't go wrong if you gave me this. I absolutely adore this. I have discovered that the good stuff is the best stuff. I've tried the not so good and have been sorely disappointed. So, I now only by the good stuff. Besides, when I eat the good stuff, I don't need as much to get the same feeling/rush as I do when I eat the cheap stuff. So, the saying, a little goes a long way really applies here. And, the cheap stuff is so waxy. Yuck. Who wants to eat wax? I like a nice smooth finish. This particular kind has some chunks in it, but the stuff holding the chunks in place has a definite smooth finish. Try it for yourself, I'm confident you will like it!

To mom

2007-05-21T08:38:00.001-04:00

I just read a post on Schmutzie's blog about something her mother said to her that got her riled up. That got me thinking about all the things my mother used to say to me that would rile me up.

For instance, shortly after I bought my "old" house she had come for a visit and said "what a cute little house you have." I was stuck on the word "little". My feelings were hurt. Now, of course my house was little. At the time, prior to the second story addition, it was only 950 sq. ft. But I thought she could have left off the "little" part in her statement.

On another occasion, after my siblings and I had finished sprucing up her yard for mothers day when I went to help her outside she said to me, after I told her we had finished, "When are you going to do the backyard?" Not, wow, how nice it looks and thanks so much for all the hard work you all have done, but "When are you going to do the backyard?" Needless to say she hurt my feelings again. I very kindly told her so and thought she would be best served by not saying those words to my siblings, but instead should thank them for all the hard work they had put into making her front yard very pretty!

On yet another occasion, after I had just bought a myself a Volvo to drive, I stopped by her house to take both her and my sister, who was meeting us at my mom's, out for a bite to eat. My mom got in the car and as we were driving she asked "So, how do you like your new Vulva?" I replied with a lot of laughter and squeals (my sister was guffawing it up in the backseat) and I said "I love it, mom, thanks for asking. Now I just need to find someone to ride in it with me." Which, of course, sent my sister, who was already laughing hysterically, way over the hysterical laughter edge! We were laughing so hard we both had tears rolling down our faces. And, our poor mother didn't get it until I explained to her that instead of saying Volvo, she asked about my Vulva. She was always a good sport and didn't mind that my sister and I were just bent over with hysterics. My mom, too, got a good laugh out of the exchange.

I miss those times...all of them. Even the hurtful ones. Because I know she didn't really mean to be hurtful, sometimes I think she wasn't being mindful of what she said and how other's might take the things she said. Just as I know I am not always mindful of what I say, to whom I say it, and the words I choose to use. And, I know I do not mean to be hurtful to others, but I am human and I make mistakes. Just as she did. And, most importantly, I know my mother loved me.

Dry postings

2007-05-19T21:39:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the dryness of my previous post. I just wanted to add something about psychology but I didn't realize it was sooooooo dry. I hope it didn't put you to sleep.

In spite of the dryness, did you have any thoughts about wanting, self actualization, taking an active role in your life, fulfilling your potential and integrity? Let me know if you did.

I want...

2007-05-18T11:09:00.001-04:00

I want so many things I don't even know where to begin. I want to sell my house, I want to move permanently and full time into my new house. I want to eat healthier. I want to feel sexy. I want to establish an exercise routine. I want to re-do my 1st floor bathroom in my new house. I want to be a mom. I want to read more. I want to write more. I want to like what I write and how I write. I want to publish the children's book I wrote a few years back. I want to travel more. I want to cook more. I want to make more friends. I want to see the friends I have now more. I want to be more wise with how I spend my money. And the list goes on and on and on.

And, yes I know I can do something about all of these. And I want that too. To be doing something about all of these. So, the question is...what stops me? What gets in my way? And, of course, the answer is "I stop me. I get in my own way."

From Wikipedia:

Ethics in psychology

By the 1960s there was increased interest in moral reasoning. Psychologists such as Lawrence Kohlberg
developed theories which are based on the idea that moral behavior is
made possible by moral reasoning. Their theories subdivided moral
reasoning into so-called stages, which refer to the set of principles
or methods that a person uses for ethical judgment. The first and most
famous theory of this type was Kohlberg's theory of moral development.

Carol Gilligan,
a student of Kohlberg's, argued that women tend to develop through a
different set of stages from men. Her studies inspired work on an ethic of care, which particularly defines itself against Rawlsian-type justice- and contract-based approaches.

Another group of influential psychological theories with ethical implications is the humanistic psychology movement. One of the most famous humanistic theories is Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Maslow argued that the highest human need is self-actualization, which can be described as fulfilling one's potential, and trying to fix what is wrong in the world. Carl Rogers's
work was based on similar assumptions. He thought that in order to be a
'fully functioning person', one has to be creative and accept one's own
feelings and needs. He also emphasized the value of self-actualization.
A similar theory was proposed by Fritz Perls, who assumed that taking responsibility of one's own life is an important value.

R.D. Laing developed a broad range of thought on interpersonal psychology.
This deals with interactions between people, which he considered
important, for an ethical action always occurs between one person and
another. In books such as The Politics of Experience, he dealt with
issues concerning how we should relate to persons labeled by the
psychiatric establishment as "schizophrenic".
He came to be seen as a champion for the rights of those considered
mentally ill. He spoke out against (and wrote about) practices of psychiatrists which he considered inhumane or barbaric, such as electric shock treatment. Like Wittgenstein, he was frequently concerned with clarifying the use of language in the field — for example, he suggested that the effects of psychiatric drugs (some of which are very deleterious, such as tardive dyskinesia)
be called just that: "effects", and not be referred to by the preferred
euphemisms of the drug companies, who prefer to call them "side
effects". Laing also did work in establishing true asylums as places of
refuge for those who feel disturbed and want a safe place to go through
whatever it is they want to explore in themselves, and with others.

A third group of psychological theories that have implications for the nature of ethics are based on evolutionary psychology.
These theories are based on the assumption that the behavior that
ethics prescribe can sometimes be seen as an evolutionary adaptation.
For instance, altruism towards members of one's own family promotes one's inclusive fitness.

Moral ethics. Yep, that's what I want more of.

There's some food for thought for you.

(And me too!)

The truth is, I've known about ethics and integrity and self actualization for a very long time. I've been in therapy for many years. Jeez, I am a therapist. With all that said, I still want and want and want. At least now my wants are in my control. It's not like what I used to want...to be taller for example. That I can do nothing about. All the things I mentioned above that I want are all things that I can do and am doing something about. Sometimes I get impatient however. Like now. But then I remind myself that acquiring all the things I want is a life-long journey. And every day I get closer and closer to feeling satisfied.

6 weeks and 4 days.

2007-05-14T20:38:00.001-04:00

Well, this is the start of my countdown until I move permanently to my other house. I am very excited to be making the move! I will be so happy to be in 1 place full time. I've been going back and forth for a number of years. First I was just going on Friday's. Then I was going on Friday's and Saturday's and spending the night at my sisters. I did this for years. Thank goodness she and I really get along. Then a year and a half ago I bought another house in that other city and have been going there Thursday through Saturday's. So, now I will be making the move full time permanently in just over 6 weeks and I can tell you....I will be so relieved. And, my pocketbook will be happy to, what with the price of gasoline! Oh, and the miles I rack up on my car will really shrink. My office is just 4 miles from my house and my sister lives only 3 miles away. How nice will that be? I just hope I can continue to build my practice up enough to afford to make the mortgage payments on both houses until my "old" house sells.

Mother's Day

2007-05-12T10:30:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. This will be the second Mother's Day with out my mother. The 1st anniversary of her death was on the 4th of this month. That day passed with little feeling for me. (You can read more about that post a few posts back.) However, I have noticed that I am feeling really sad about my not being able to celebrate Mother's Day with my mom.

My family had a regular way of celebrating. Every Mother's Day my siblings and I would gather together early at my mom's house and work on her front garden. We would pull the weeds, trim all the flowering plants and bushes, head over to the nearest nursery where we would purchase some annuals for her and return back to her house to plant them. My sister-in-law would be in charge of creating some planters for my mom's front porch while my brother and sister and I would plant the rest of the flowers. My step-dad would help too by picking up the debris we would pile up for bagging. Then we would help my mom come outside so she could see how beautiful her yard looked. She loved it.

When I would ask her what she wanted for Mother's Day it was always the same request. That my siblings and I would tend to her front yard. So, we would. We've done it for many years. There were times when I resented having to go to her house to tend to her garden when I have my own huge garden to take care of. However I never told her no.

After we would finish up with doing the gardening, we would then have a brunch together. This usually consisted of bagels and cream cheese and eggs. Nothing fancy because later on we would all re-gather for a bar-b-que at my mom's house. We would cook ribs, corn on the cob, salad and baked potato and have some kind of dessert. Again, at her request. She never wanted to go out to eat. She always wanted us to all be together at her house on Mother's Day. Unfortunately, my older brother was seldom able to join us. He had moved away a long time ago and, well, I can't remember a time when he joined us on Mother's Day.

Last years Mother's Day went by in a blur since it was only days after my mother had passed. This year's seems to be more profound for me. My sister has a 13 month old son. He was born just 5 weeks prior to my mother's death and at her request, we will be having a bar-b-que at her house. I haven't asked her yet what she would like to have to eat, but I suspect it will be ribs, corn on the cob, salad and baked potato. I feel ambivalent about this gathering. I miss my mom a lot and feel like I want to be by myself to mourn. My sister really wants us all to be together as a way of remember and celebrating our mother, as well as celebrating her new motherhood. I want to be able to grant my sister's wish and hope I find it within myself to do so.

If you are a mother, then I wish you a happy Mother's Day!

Moving date

2007-05-10T13:59:00.001-04:00

I have finally picked my moving date. No, I have not sold my "old" house yet, but I decided that I cannot wait any longer. My house has been on the market for over a year, I've been traveling between 2 cities that are 90 miles apart, I'm living in 2 houses and I just can't take it any longer. So, with my basement being completed in my "new" house I can move my furniture from my "old" house to  my new house. And, I have chosen June 29-30th as my moving date.

I am feeling relieved knowing that I will be finally living in 1 house with all of my belongings and my 2 cats. And especially relieved that I won't have to be driving nearly as much as I do.

Garlic breath!

2007-05-09T15:38:00.000-04:00

I saw this guy while on my trip. I think he had garlic for lunch.

Out with the Bad, In with the other Bad

2007-05-07T14:12:00.000-04:00

Okay, so now I am fully recovered from my bout with the flu. However I am now stricken with a nasty (and I mean NASTY) sinus infection.

So, instead of writing something lengthy here, cuz I really don't have the energy for it, I decided I'd let you peruse some of my pictures.

This is a picture of my bedroom. What do you think?

And here is my deck. Do you like it?

Now you're looking at my sunroom.

Now, don't these pictures make you think "wow, I really have to have that house for my own."

I'm hoping to feel better tomorrow, since I visited with my Dr. today and got some drugs.

Love

2007-05-05T11:14:00.001-04:00

My thoughts for the day seem to be centered around loving my "step father." In the past I've felt incredibly conflicted about loving him. You see, he's not really my step-father. He and my mother never married. Although they did live together for over 18 years. Initially, when they got together I was angry. I was angry at my mother for finding someone else to love so quickly after my father died. I thought she should not have done so. I was angry at him for moving into the space my father occupied in my mother's life and I was especially angry at my mother for inviting him to move into my childhood home with her.

For years I was angry for those reasons. It took a long time and a lot of therapy for me to stop being angry and bitter at my mother and at him. I came to accept him as a good and kind and loving man who truly loved my mother. He never acted as if he wanted to replace my father. In stead, he loved my mother and tried his best to take good care of her. In turn, she loved him and tried her best to take good care of him.

Undoubtedly they had their troubles, just like all couples do. But when things were the most difficult, they were there for each other. And, he was there for my mother during the most difficult times when her health was at her worst.

My siblings and I have silently agreed that he is a part of our family. We did that many years ago. And we act as if he and my mother were married. When major decisions about my mother's care needed to be made, we included him in the process.

One year.

2007-05-04T12:59:00.000-04:00

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my mother's passing. As far as the day is going, I haven't been feeling too affected by it. I'm surprised too. I thought for sure I'd be really struggling. I have to say however, that I did have a very hard time falling asleep last night. I couldn't figure out why for the longest time and then it hit me...it was during the wee hours of the night that we received the phone call from the hospital telling us we needed to get there right away; that, in essence, is when my mother lost her connection with the living world.

My sister, nephew, step-father and I commemorated this day by going to the cemetary this morning. For me, it was uneventful but I am glad I went.

I'm Back!

2007-05-02T11:11:00.000-04:00

Well hello everyone! Thanks for patiently waiting for me to return. I got back on Sunday night, but haven't been feeling well, so didn't write. I thought I hadn't gotten my land legs back yet, but it turned out I had the flu. Yuck! I had a fever of 101 when it was at its highest and was in the bathroom a lot. I'm not feeling quite myself yet, but I'm almost there. Here are just a few of the pictures I took while on my cruise.

Vacation

2007-04-19T13:53:00.000-04:00

My bags are packed, (almost) I'm ready to go (yes, really.)

I'm standing here outside your door (well, outside my door.)
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye (I hope you're not sleeping now, cuz its 2 in the afternoon my time but I do want to say goodbye until after the 29th. I won't have time to blog until then so...goodbye!)

The taxi's waiting (we've hired a metro car to take us to the airport!)
He's blowing his horn (jeez I hope he doesn't cuz it will be 5 in the morning and the neighbors will be pissed.)
I'm already so lonesome I could die (well, I am traveling with my sister so I don't think I'll be all that lonesome, and forgive me blog fans, but you are not my life.)

So kiss me and smile for me (well, only kiss me if you are a very handsome, very available nice Jewish fella in his mid 30's to 40's interested in sweeping me off my feet, smile for me if your anybody!)
Tell me that you'll wait for me (and read my blog when I get back.)
Hold me like you'll never let me go (but don't squeeze too tight cuz I won't be able to breathe.)

I'm leaving on a jet plane (and a really big boat.)
Don't know when I'll be back again (actually I do, on the 29th.)
Oh babe I hate to go (NOT!)

Murder at Virginia Tech

2007-04-17T21:23:00.000-04:00

I have been feeling incredibly sad that a man could be so troubled and disturbed that he could kill 33 people, including himself. I read today that the suspect, Cho Seung-Hui, may have been romantically interested in the woman he killed in the dorm. I also read that, as and English major, his writings were filled with violent themes and that he had been taking antidepressants. What I didn't find published was information about his childhood and teenage years, how long was he taking the antidepressants and whether or not he had been in psychotherapy. What happened to this man that he felt compelled to murder?

What about Virginia Tech's Administration? Did they not do enough to protect the students at the University. I read that the news about the shooting in the dorm did not get released until a couple hours after the shooting. Had the information been made public earlier, would that have saved the other victims?

What about gun-control? Since the suspect was taking anti-depressants, should he have been allowed to purchase a gun? Are the rules about gun purchases strict enough?

What about the professors who knew that the suspects writings were filled with themes of violence? I read that he had been referred for psychotherapy. Should he have been forced to enter into a therapeutic relationship? Should he have been expelled from school for his writings since at least one of his professors was concerned?

What could have been done that was not done? I suspect nothing.

I don't want this post to be mostly about the suspect. But there isn't much information available about the victims. May they rest in peace.

Remember that time...

2007-04-16T13:44:00.000-04:00

I saw this game over at voix's blog. I decided to steal the idea because I really enjoyed reading the stories left by others. It works like this: in comments, make up the most outrageous fictional story about you and me. The only rule is that it must begin with the words “Remember that time you and I…”

This is what I wrote: Remember that time we walked to your house that day after school when we were 8 and your mom made us chocolate chip cookies and milk to snack on. She sat down at the table with us because we were both crying about the boy who was teasing us by pulling your hair and pinching me on the arm. Your mom told us that when boys tease that means they like you. Remember when we looked at each other and made faces and blew bubbles in our milk because we didn't care about boys liking us. Remember when we were in junior high and that boy was still teasing us? Remember when we were in high school and he was still teasing us? And remember when we were in college and living in the dorm together and that boy was still teasing us? Well, I married that boy!

Post your stories about us in the comments!

VACATION!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-16T07:57:00.000-04:00

It is 6 days until I leave on my Cruising Vacation on Carnival's Victory Ship. Now I am excited. Actually, I'm really looking forward to having some down time. I have been feeling pretty fried lately. I've been making some major changes in my life, that I'm REALLY happy about but there's been a lot of stress involved.

Changes involving working on (aka finishing the basement to make room for all my furniture) my soon to be new permanent residence and as a consequence, racking up a lot of debt; which I haven't been in for a decade or so; which causes me ton's of stress as I worry about many things, money especially. Second on my list is praying that my current house sells soon. It's been on the market for a year now and with the economy being the way it is in mid-Michigan, well who knows when it will sell. Third on the list is trying to find ways of coping with the unexpected loss of my mother just last Spring. Fourth on the list is trying to not beat myself up for gaining weight, instead of losing it. Fifth on the stress list includes that very personal, threatening to my psyche, don't want to publish it on the internet just yet until I'm comfortable with it, thing. I could go on here, but I think you get the idea.

So, my reading list for the trip looks like this:

Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott (I'm half way through this and I'd like to finish it.)
Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg
The Measure of a Man by Sidney Poitier
And whatever fiction books my sister brings along.

I bet I finish the top two and what I borrow from my sister.

My activities list looks like this:
Sit on the deck
Read
Sit on the deck some more
Read some more
Walk the deck (there may even be a track to walk on)
Sit some more
Okay, you get it.

mom

2007-04-15T20:38:00.000-04:00

May 4, 2006. This is the day my mother passed away. 19 days from now will be the 1st anniversary of her death. She was 65. She had M.S.

Multiple sclerosis: Function: noun : a demyelinating disease marked by patches of hardened tissue in the brain or the spinal cord and associated especially with partial or complete paralysis and jerking muscle tremor.

My mom had the relapsing/remitting kind: Relapsing-Remitting MS :In this form of MS there are unpredictable relapses (exacerbations, attacks) during which new symptoms appear or existing symptoms become more severe. This can last for varying periods (days or months) and there is partial or total remission (recovery). The disease may be inactive for months or years. * Frequency - approx 25%)

But she died from an aneurysm unrelated to her M.S.

I miss her.

How personal do I get here.

2007-04-12T12:54:00.000-04:00

So I'm thinking that I've not written in a bit and I wonder why. The answer is that I'm thinking about issues that I'm not sure I want to publish on the internet. These issues feel particularly personal. I know, I know...I've written some very personal things in the past, but what's going on in my life is not past personal issues but current personal issues. And those other personal musings, were based on past events, or events not threatening to my psyche such as what's going on in my life today.

Amendment to previous post

2007-04-06T12:38:00.000-04:00

Okay, my sister told me that in my last post I made it sound like I visit Krispy Kreme often and she wanted me to make sure that everyone knows that that is not the case. I actually only visit KK about once every 6 months. I know they used to give away free donuts because my neighbor told me and then we started visiting KK every 6 months or so. She and I drive by our local KK frequently as it is on the way to our local Meijer store and we enjoy shopping together. We do look to see if the orange light is on which indicates they are making donuts currently and we would tease each other about should we or shouldn't we go get a free donut. But, we only very rarely did. So what happened that prompted to me to write my last post was we were driving by, saw the orange light and she took me up on my tease. Since I was driving I drove us there. And you know the rest of the story.

Now, just because I don't frequent my local KK does not mean that I don't like donuts, or don't have an amazingly powerful sweet tooth. I LOVE SWEETS! (Especially dark chocolate with 70% cocoa. Dr. Oz says 70% or more is better for you but I think any more than 70 is way too bitter for my taste.) I just try really hard to not eat too many sweets and sometimes I don't have as much discipline as I would like to have.

I know I've mentioned in previous posts that I would like to lose some weight. Actually, again following Dr. Oz's advice, I'd like to lose some inches in my waist. I weigh quite a bit, but as I used to lift weights regularly and windsurf I am very muscular and solid. And, we all know that muscle weighs more then fat so my weight is actually greater then what I look like I should weigh. I have really cut down on how much food I eat. I try to exercise, but still struggle to fit that into my daily routine. And sometimes I eat too many sweets. Not just the dark chocolate...because I am very good about limiting my intake of that. But things like dried fruit, cookies, jelly beans, peeps, and etc.. Now, I never ever buy the cookies, jelly beans, peeps and etc.. My best friend, who has 3 little kids, always has junk food. She does not buy it either; the babysitter will bring it over, or my friend's mother brings it, or my friend's husband, who also has a sweet tooth and is not overweight, will buy the sweet stuff and hence, when I am visiting and preparing desserts for the kids, I will snack on it too.

KRISPY KREME NO LONGER GIVING AWAY FREE DOUGHNUTS

2007-04-02T20:50:00.000-04:00

OH MY! I stopped by my local Krispy Kreme tonight hoping to pick up one of their free, hot off the roller, glazed doughnuts. However, when I was walking towards the door I noticed that there was a hand written sign taped to it that said "As of April 1, 2007 Krispy Kreme will no longer be giving away free doughnuts to its customers...." I was so upset that I couldn't read the rest of the sign. Consequently, I don't know what prompted Krispy Kreme to make this decision. I've been trying to find some information on the web about this but I haven't been successful. If you know something about this, let me know cuz I'm curious. Here's what I wonder...why would Krispy Kreme cease to give away free doughnuts when at the end of the night they throw away dozens and dozens of doughnuts. When I asked one of the clerks at my local Kremery, she told me about throwing away the doughnuts and she told me that they used to donate the left overs but they've stopped that practice too. The employees can't take them home to their loved ones either. For the life of me, I can't understand why they stopped the practice of giving away the doughnuts.

I suppose part of my feeling so out of sorts about this is that I have a really hard time throwing away food. It seems such a waste especially when there are so many people who don't have enough to eat. (Remember in a previous post I mentioned one of the things my mother used to tell me was that I should only put on my plate what I can eat and eat what's on my plate cuz there are people in other countries starving. I don't believe I mentioned that one of my responses to her was to offer to pack up and send my leftover food to those poor starving people. You can imagine that she never took me up on my offer.) REALLY!!! I cannot wrap my brain around the wisdom behind the decision to stop giving away free doughnuts, when those said doughnuts end up in the trash. What is up with that?!?

Integrity

2007-03-30T10:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm obsessed with this word. Well, not the word actually, but what it means.

Here's what the Merriam Webster dictionary says integrity means:

1 : firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : INCORRUPTIBILITY
2 : an unimpaired condition : SOUNDNESS
3 : the quality or state of being complete or undivided : COMPLETENESS
synonym see HONESTY

I like the idea of acting from an unimpaired and undivided place. I would like to say that I act this way all the time, but I don't. I made a commitment to myself to act with integrity and to act from a place of integrity as often as I can. And when I find myself acting from a place of immorality or dishonesty or judgment I move myself back to a place of integrity as soon as humanly possible.

I saw on Oprah's show recently that she had a minister who was encouraging his congregation to not complain. The church had these purple bracelets made, like the WWJD bracelets, with the words "A complaint free world" written on it and are sending them to all over the world. The idea is to get people to not complain for 21 days. Supposedly 21 days is how long it takes to create a habit. So, the idea is if you don't complain for 21 days, then you have a habit of not complaining. Here's the recipe for making a new habit of not complaining...you put your bracelet on your wrist and when you find yourself complaining, you move it to the other wrist. You do this until you've gone 21 days without complaining, and then you've created a new habit. You can continue to wear your bracelet as a reminder to yourself and to show others that you are into not complaining. Of course, whenever you complain you have to move your bracelet to the other wrist.

Now, I think the idea of wearing a bracelet is sort of corny, but I like the idea of not complaining. Complaining does not fall into my definition of integrity and hey, if wearing a bracelet helps you to remember to not complain, then more power to ya!

It's my birthday!

2007-03-28T06:19:00.000-04:00

Today is my birthday and I thought I'd contemplate what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for:

my health

I think first and foremost on this sub-list are my ability to think, see, walk, talk, touch, taste, smell and hear. Not necessarily in that order. As I age I am becoming more and more aware of how lucky I am that I am for the most part, healthy. I have high cholesterol and take medicine for that, but everything else is good. I am a tad overweight and not as flexible as I used to be, but I work on that.

my loved ones

Especially my sister, who is also my best friend. I am very grateful that she loves me unconditionally. I am not sure what I would do if I didn't have her. She has been my rock and my confidant during times of chaos, trauma and joy. And, she is 9 years my junior. She might be younger than I am, but sometimes I think she is much, much wiser.

I am also thankful for my brothers, nieces and nephews, and my friends. I am grateful to have so many people in my life who love me. There was a time when I wasn't aware of how loved I am and have been. But I am aware now. And I feel lucky.

the knowledge that my parents loved me

Even though both my parents are deceased, my father died in 1986 and my mother died in 2006 and losing both my parents has been incredibly traumatic for me, it has been so incredibly helpful to me knowing that both my parents loved me very, very much.

my ability to care for myself

I feel very empowered when I am taking good care of myself. That means when I'm eating right, sleeping well, taking vitamins, being responsible with my money and living in my integrity.

Things my mother told me:

2007-03-26T22:12:00.000-04:00

I just read Rosie's blog and she asked if her reader's made their beds everyday. That got me thinking about things my mother told me and I wonder do other's live by their mother's "Rules For Living"?
Here are my mother's "Rules For Living":

1. Always wear a clean, unholy pair of underwear. Just in case you get into a car accident you wouldn't want the ER doctor to see your holy underwear.---I always listen to my mother.

2. Never go outside without dressing nice, doing your hair and wearing make-up. You always want to make a good impression because you never know who you will run into. It could be a really nice, single, handsome, jewish guy.---I mostly listen to my mother.

3. Always make your bed. You never know who will stop by one day and you'll want to give them a tour of your nice house and you'll be so embarrassed if your bed isn't made.---I always listen to my mother.4. Always brush your teeth in the morning and at night. And always floss your teeth at least once a day. You only have 1 set of teeth and you want them to last a lifetime.---I always listen to my mother.

5. Drive safely, you're carrying precious cargo.---I mostly listen to my mother.

6. Call mom when you get home, even though you're in your 40's she will worry.---I always got annoyed with her when she would tell me this, but always called her so she wouldn't worry, and as I said in a previous post...missed her telling me this since she's died.

7. Don't take more food then you can eat, and always eat whats on your plate. There are people starving in Africa. You should be grateful for what you've got.---I always listen to my mother, even though sometimes my eyes are bigger then my stomach. What happens then is that my stomach stretches to accommodate all that food and no wonder I'm overweight.

Did I forget any?