How long can I hold my breath?

I started this post on the 16th and finished it today, the 24th.

Well, funny I wrote what I wrote in my last post cuz guess what??? Those birth parents did choose me! I heard from my adoption caseworker on August 13 that they wanted to meet me. My sister just happened to be at my house when the phone rang and J., the caseworker said, "So how would you feel about meeting the birthparents?" to which I replied: Holy Shit, when and really, why? She laughed and said "because they chose you!" At which point I dropped the phone. Fortunately, my sister helped to focus me. I put the call on speaker phone and we both hugged each other while J. told us the situation.

She explained that I would meet the birth parents on the 15th and laid out how these meetings usually go with one caveat...because in this case, the baby has already been born. So, J. did the best she could to let me know what to expect and to remind me about 100 times that the best thing to do is to be myself. They've already seen my adoptive profile so know a lot about me. They chose me because there's things about me they like, a lot. So I just needed to remember to be myself.

I did meet with the birth parents and spent an agonizing weekend and Monday waiting to hear if I would be the official chosen one. Late Monday night J called to give me the good news! I am a mom. Well, assuming no one changes his/her mind. So I've spent every day at the hospital spending time getting to know my daughter. I cannot begin to put into words how I feel. An initial attempt would have to include the word gratitude. Because that I am full of. Not just to the birth parents of this little angel, but to all of my friends and my acquaintances who are being very generous with all of their baby items: clothes, bassinet, crib, and more. I cannot believe how many items people have offered to either give or loan me.



And I cannot believe I am going to be a mom. The whole process has taken 9 months. This is what J. figured out for me today. She told me I've had my pregnancy. I still am waiting with bated breath in case some one changes his or her mind. I don't believe that will happen but....

Isn't she lovely?

Ouch!

I cannot remember the last time that I posted. I am so very sorry. I don't know what happened. I think life just got the best of me. First there's work, then there's family, then there's exercise, then there's shopping, then there's reading, then there's sleeping and I forgot to write. Hmmm.

So there's this baby thing going on in my life. My sister had her 2nd child, a daughter, in June. I was there for her birth. What an amazing experience. I am so very grateful that my sister and her husband allowed me to be a part of that miracle. I won't every have that experience for myself, so I am lucky to have been able to witness it from the other side.

Thank you sister!

My baby thing is this adoption thing. I got an e-mail 2 weeks ago from the adoption agency that did my profile asking me if I would consider adopting a baby who was born
at 28 weeks to which I replied yes, depending on certain items of concern. All of my questions were answered and I said a definite yes! I also asked how many profiles were given to the birth parents and was told "less then 5" which meant I had at least a 25% chance of being chosen to be the mom to this little baby. I had my fingers crossed and my hopes up, although I tried really hard not to let my hopes rise. As of today I have heard nothing. I thought I would have heard something by the end of last week. The adoption worker who I spoke with told me I should hear by today at the very latest. I can only assume that since I have heard nothing, that I have not been chosen. I have to tell myself that this baby was not meant for me. That there is a baby out there that is supposed to be mine...I hope. Yes, I am disappointed and sad. I do hope there is a baby for me. Soon........

Why am I still a nervous wreck?

Wow, over a month has gone by since I've last posted and I thought I was feeling like posting more regularly. Who knew.

You'd think that since my house is rented that I wouldn't be worrying so much. Ha! My sister tells me I'm worrying just as much, if not more. I think I'm the kind of person who has to have something to worry about. I can't just be happy....

That's what I thought until about 5 days ago. The rent for March did get paid and the mortgage for that month got paid as well. I did feel much relief after that...but I always find something to worry about.

And when I worry, I stress. And when I stress, I get myself into all sorts of troubles. Let's see...on Tuesday I got into a minor car accident. In a parking lot so the police wouldn't come out. Which is okay with me. To be totally honest, I think it was both the other driver's and my fault. We were both in a hurry and then we both got pissy about the whole thing...then the accident happened. Luckily we weren't driving very fast. We scraped the side of each other's car. I'm glad Michigan is a no-fault state. But I realize that the accident didn't have to happen at all. I need to practice acting out of a place of love and patience. Oh how I try. But sometimes I seem to fail at that. The only thing I can say is I have to keep trying. I'm human after all. And that means I'm not perfect.

So...I'm going to practice acting out of a place of love.

Time for a change.

Well, I decided it was time for a change. My life has been changing lately and it was time I changed my blog. I'm feeling more and more like I have something to say as is reflected by the number of my postings lately.

Look for more postings.............

Yes, its a done deal!

Well the eggs are hatched and I've counted my chickens and they add up well. I have indeed rented my house and got my asking price! This is where we all give a collective sigh of relief. AAAHHHHHHHHHH. 

I have now taken it off the real estate market and kind pay off some bills and even have a little bit of fun. Now that I have a little extra money. Let's give that collective sigh again please. AAAHHHHHHHH. 

The rent I will be collecting will pay the mortgage and the property taxes. Sigh here please....AAAHHHHHHH.

One more sigh, if you don't mind. AAAHHHHHHH.

I am using a property management company but they weren't having much luck finding a tenant. So, I posted my house on craigslist. I initially posted it and that evening I deleted the post and immediately reposted it so it would come up as a new posting every day. And I believe that helped the situation. As soon as I started doing that I had received 12 responses within a 2 week period. And one of those responses rented it. So...I also was pretty wordy in my description of the house and posted pictures. I am very happy and relieved. Okay, just one more sigh please. AAAHHHHHHH.

So now I get to pay off the debt I've accumulated since moving to my new house and paying 2 mortgages, I get to save, save, save for that baby to be and I will allow myself a trip this year...since I do love to travel and I have not gone anyplace exotic in a few years. I'll keep you posted on the travel plans.

Hip Hip Hooray for me!

I hope all is well with all of you.

The house has been rented!

Well, I shouldn't count my chickens before the eggs are hatched cuz didn't I get really close to selling the place and the buyers backed out at the last minute?!? Well, I have probable renters who will sign the least today at 3pm. I have my fingers crossed that they will actually sign it. I will keep you posted.

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It's a girl!

We're having a baby. No, not me. At least, not yet anyway. My sister and her husband are having another one. It's a girl this time and we are all so very excited. When my sister was pregnant with my nephew she and her husband agreed that the gender would be a surprise. They also agreed that with subsequent pregnancies they would learn the sex of the baby. So...we know she's a girl! She's supposed to come into the world on June 11th. I am very happy about this but there's a bitter sweet feeling that seems to exist as well.

I'm thinking about my mom. She's been gone for almost 2 years now. Jeez! I can't believe its been that long. At times it still feels like yesterday, and other times it feels like forever ago. My sister and I have talked about how we are used to our lives without our father. He passed away in 1986. That's 22 years ago. We've both agreed that we do not want to get used to our lives without our mother. I believe we were thinking that about our father way back when.

I am so very sad that she won't be around to see her daughters have children or get to know her daughters children. Nor will those grandchildren have the opportunity to know her.

As for my baby process...it is official. All of my adoption paperwork is complete and turned in. I am now in the waiting phase. It sort of feels like being pregnant. Only I don't know when the baby will be born. So its a protracted pregnancy. That's okay. I'm planning for the nursery and all my friends and my sister's friends are helping to shop for baby stuff. It's fun. I'm having fun anyway.

In the process I'm feeling better about living in the metro Detroit area. And, I've been dating again. Wow. It's been a while since I've dated and this is fun too. Who knows, maybe moving back "home" was not such a bad idea after all.

I'll keep you posted on all the goings on around here.

Watch Out For That Flu Bug!

In case you aren't aware of this, there is a nasty flu bug going on around. Vomiting with diarrhea and a fever. It lasts 4-5 days. So, be careful to wash your hands regularly. Take your vitamins, eat right and make sure to get enough sleep.

I am on the watch for that flu. My sister, bro-in-law and nephew all have it and I'm avoiding them like they've got the plague.

Stay healthy!

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Travel from Hell

Well, I made it back to Michigan in one piece after a travel from hell trip. Traveling to my brother's in Illinois should have only been a 2 hour plane trip. He lives just 5 minutes from a smaller airport and things should have gone smoothly. But, on the day we were supposed to leave, there was a butt load of fog in Illinois, so our flight was initially delayed, then canceled. Unfortunately, because my sister, her husband and their 21 month old son, did not book their flights on the same itinerary as my step-dad and I, we were not to be rebooked on the same flight, and, we were not to be rebooked on a flight that day. It was important for us to get to Illinois that day as it was my niece's birthday and we were all looking forward to spending time with her and celebrating her big 15th! So...we opted to fly into Midway in Chicago which my brother neglected to tell me and so did NorthWorst airlines, that there are no flights from Midway to Bloomington (where my brother lives). Well, we made it to Midway but had no way to get to Bloomington. All the car rental places were booked, there were limo's but they cost upwards of $800.00. Eventually, we discovered a bus that ran from Midway to Bloomington. That was another 2.5 hours. So, here's how the day looked...we got to Detroit airport by 7:30 to catch a 9am flight. We left Detroit at 2 and landed there at 2:30pm. We caught a bus at 6 and got to Bloomington at 8:30pm. Now, we had initially decided not to drive thinking it would take way to0 long to get to Bloomington, a whopping 6.5 hours by car...Who knew!?!

Oh, but wait, dear readers...on our return trip we had part deux of our travel from hell saga.

We were to leave Christmas Eve day to return to Detroit. We got to the Bloomington airport at 9 to catch a 10am flight. We loaded onto the plane and loaded off the plane with the knowledge that there was a slight difficulty and we were to be leaving shortly. The captain told us to "stay close to the terminal" in case we were able to leave shortly. Ha! The airport is so small we couldn't help but stay close.

Anyway...our flight was canceled and again we were not to be booked to leave Bloomington for Detroit until Christmas day...that is, if there were any available flights. So, we opted to fly to Atlanta then to Detroit. Remember our travel time was supposed to be 2.5 hours.
We left Bloomington at 2pm, landed in Atlanta at 4:30. We left Atlanta at 6pm and landed in Detroit at 8:30pm. We did not make it home until 10:30 that night.

So...here's the deal. I can understand that weather and plane troubles interfere with the best laid flight plans. But what I cannot understand is how unhelpful and how unfriendly many of the Northworst customer service people were. If I had been rude and nasty to them in my dealings with them during these trying times I would expect rudeness back. I could go on and on about this, but I won't. Suffice it to say they were not a helpful bunch. To add insult to injury...there was a particular TSA person at the Bloomington airport who was one nasty biotch. Again, if my family had been rude and nasty to her I would expect the same in return.

There was no call for the rudeness and nastiness we received those 2 days. For shame on Northwest and on the TSA person at Bloomington Airport.

In spite of all of this I want to wish you all a happy new year.

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Happy Holidays to you!

Well, I'm off to Illinois to spend the weekend with my brother and his family. We will celebrate the holidays with them and exchange gifts. We'll also eat a lot of really good food and I'll get to visit with my nieces and nephews. I am really looking forward to the time away.

I hope you have good holidays, however you spend them. If you are traveling, I wish you a safe journey.

Happy New Year!

Depression

So, as a therapist, let me tell you a little about depression. Depression is made up of lots of regressions.

First, when people are depressed they tend to forget about how time passes as an adult and think about time from a young child's perspective. For example, depressed people think that they have been, or they will be depressed "forever". When really, 3 weeks, 3 months, even 3 years isn't forever. But, if you were a young child, say 3 weeks old, then 3 weeks is forever. It's actually a lifetime. And, 3 months or 3 years to a 3 week old is beyond comprehension.
Get it?

Second, when people are depressed they feel helpless. They forget that they take care of themselves every day. They get themselves up and dressed. They feed themselves, go to work, or school and often take care of others. See where this is going in terms of regression? An infant or very young child cannot take care of him/herself. S/he IS helpless and relies on others for survival. A young child cannot distract himself from his feelings. Whereas an adult can. He can take a nap, go for a walk, call a friend, eat something...whatever it takes to distract from the depression, if even for just a little while.

Third, when people are depressed they feel hopeless. As if nothing is going to change, ever. Babies really don't have any idea that things will be different for them. But things always change.

We just have to remember about time as we know it as adults, that we are not helpless nor do things stay stagnant.

Fighting depression

I think I've figured out what's been going on with me. I've been fighting depression. So far, I've been successful at keeping it at bay. But, its not always easy.

I think it mostly has to do with the death of my mother a year and a half ago. Now that I'm living back in my old stomping grounds her death has been incredibly crystal clear, and incredibly painful. I chose to move back to the Detroit area to be closer to her. I had envisioned that I would pick h er up so she could come to my house and spend the day with me. She'd sit in this really comfortable arm chair I have, read the paper and take a nap while I cooked a nice comfort meal. We'd chat a while, drink some tea and have dinner. Then I'd take her home. So many weekends have passed since I've moved here where that fantasy has been really strong in my mind. And, it can't happen. So, I'd grieve some more.

There have also been times when I have felt the urge to call her. Only I remember that I can't. Then Thanksgiving approached and I was even more painfully aware of my loss. Thanksgiving was her favorite holiday because most of my family would be together. Family was important to her. She would always ask us to just be together for a meal whenever it was her birthday or mother's day, as a gift to her.

Plus, I miss my old house. No, I haven't sold it yet. Nor have I been able to rent it. I suppose if I had, then I wouldn't miss it so much. But since I still have ties to it and I have to check on it every once in a while, I seem to be unable to fully let it go in my mind.

And, I think that change is just plain painful. And I've had and will have lots of changes in my life.

What, you may ask, am I doing to fight off my depression? Well, I try real hard to let the feelings come. I know that having feelings is not a bad thing; that feelings are useful. (That's what we therapists always tell our patients!) And, I'm exercising, eating right, taking my vitamins, trying hard to get enough sleep, staying in touch with friends and family and doing things that make me happy. You know, I enjoy reading, playing the piano, making pottery, taking photos of all sorts of people and things, and now knitting.

What do you do to fend off depression?

Waning interest.

Hi folks,
You may have forgotten me, but I haven't forgotten you. I've just had waning interest in posting on my blog. I made a huge announcement back in October and haven't posted since. Sorry about that. I've not done much of anything exciting, except doing tons of paperwork for the adoption stuff. And now with the holiday's coming and work being what it is, I still don't have much interest but I did want to assure all of you that I'm still around and still thinking about you.

Talk soon, I promise.

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Nu?

Okay, I've been keeping a secret. I'm sorry. I just wasn't prepared to let the world in on this bit of news until I was sure about it. And, now I am sure........


I am adopting a baby! I have started my home study process and its going along quite smoothly. I met with my adoption worker once so far and she'll be coming to my house next week. I am really very excited and really terrified at the same time. OMG!

Earlier this year I was working with a fertility specialist in hopes of conceiving. Unfortunately that didn't work. (Even though young women are told to not worry, they've got plenty of time to have a baby and they can have a baby even in their 40's, it really isn't true. Menopause begins when a woman is in her mid 20's. When a woman hits 45 it's next to impossible to have a baby using her own eggs. This is what I've learned after months of trying to conceive using my eggs, donor sperm and utilizing IUI. All those movie stars having babies in their 40's are probably using donor eggs.)

After much thought and lengthy discussions with my sister, family and my best friend I decided that instead of trying to conceive using donor eggs and donor sperm, I would adopt. There are many babies already born and soon to be born, in this country, who are in need of a loving home. And, that I can provide.

So, that's my news for now. I could have a baby next year. Really, OMG!

Flu Season

My poor little nephew is sick. He's got a terrible throat thing going on. It's not bacterial so the doc's can't give him anything to help him recover quick. He's just got to ride it out. Unfortunately, he doesn't really talk all that much yet so its really hard to know what he wants and needs. He's been doing a lot of whining. My poor sister! She's been home with him for 2 days now. They can't really go anywhere. Except yesterday they went to the doctor's office which is when they learned that what he has is viral. He's not eating, doesn't want to drink anything, is running a 102 fever and can't seem to find a comfortable position to be in. Plus, his back molars are coming in. Can you imagine??? Sore throat and teething to boot. I don't envy the little fellow. I just wish he had access to more words so he could tell us what he wanted and how he felt.

And today is my sister's anniversary. She and her husband were supposed to be going out to a nice dinner this evening and I was going to babysit. I don't think that's going to happen. I told her I would babysit another day if Zack wasn't feeling good and they decided to stay home with him. In fact, if he isn't feeling good, I am not up for babysitting. He won't want me. I don't provide the comfort that his mom and dad do. So, we shall see.

Maybe I'll read some of Blindness tonight.

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Book club

I recently joined a book club and I wasn't quite sure how it would go. In fact, I was a little nervous about attending. I was afraid that I was not as smart as the folks in the group and that I wouldn't have much to contribute. I was feeling a little insecure, but I went in spite of my fears. The book up for discussion was "My Sisters Keeper." I found it to be an easy read. It's about a family with 3 children. One of whom was diagnosed, at age 3, with a very rare and oftentimes fatal form of cancer. The parents of this child decided to have a 3rd child and genetically engineered her to be almost identical to their older daughter's genes in order to use her cord blood to treat the older daughter's cancer. Unfortunately, the cancer raged it ugly head and the story continues with the parents taking more and more from their 3rd child in hopes of saving the eldest daughter.

I thought we'd mostly discuss the question of medical ethics. However, the discussion really focused on mothers and fathers making decisions for their children without really consulting with the children. The question of medical ethics came into play especially when these decisions had to deal with medical issues. In addition, we discussed how parents will, without meaning to, neglect the healthy children to care for the sick one(s).

So, I had a really great time participating in this group. There were 8 of us in attendance. All of us were women. Our ages ranged from early 20's to the mid 40's. (I suspect I was the oldest woman there.) Sitting with 7 other incredibly bright women who were open with their ideas and interested in hearing the ideas of others left me feeling extremely respectful and humble. Bright people are very powerful. I was especially struck by the youngest member of this group and how thoughtful she was in the way she voiced her ideas. I think she was also the brightest of all of us in the room.

The next book for our group discussion is Blindness by Jose Saramango. It's about a community that is struck by an epidemic of blindness. The "authorities" place the blind in an institution. However, a woman gets institutionalized by mistake. The book is about what happens between the people who are institutionalized. I've read it before and enjoyed it. The book club meets on November 12th and I am really looking forward to discussing this book and hearing what others think about it.

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How much do you share?

I know I have not posted regularly in a while and I've been pondering why that is. The only possible reason that I can come up with is that I've not been wanting to share with the entire world what's going on in my life since it all has felt so powerful as of late. I've wanted to keep things private and since I am not good, most of the time, with idle chit chat, I just decided to not post on my blog.

This begs the question...just how much do you share on your blog? Do you tell everything that you think; even the most private of thoughts? Or, do you keep some for yourself?

Is it the difference between privacy and secrecy? I'm not sure. But I do know that there have been times when I've thought about blogging that I've decided to not because I wasn't ready to share what my true thoughts were. I wasn't keeping secrets from you, I just wanted to keep some things private.

Let me add this thought...I know that only a few people read my blog regularly and that there might be others who stop by as they are scrolling through the list of blogs looking for something in particular or just looking. Perhaps it is from those folks that I decided to keep some things private.


I wonder...what do you think?

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I'm borrowing this from Elisabeth...Friday's Feast on Sunday

Appetizer
How are you today?

I am feeling much less stressed about a lot of things. However I am feeling full of grief as of late, over the loss of my mother 1 1/2 years ago. I can't figure out why I have been missing her so much these days. Hmmm. I'll have to think on this and let you know. Actually...I have an idea. I'll share someday soon.

Soup
Name 3 television shows you watch on a regular basis.

I absolutely adore Boston Legal. I love the characters that James Spader and William Shatner play. I have always loved Candice Bergen. And for me, the jury is still out on John Larroquet.
I miss West Wing. That has always been my all time favorite. Now, I program my DVR to record Brother's and Sister's, Oprah and of course, Boston Legal.


Salad
What’s the scariest weather situation you’ve experienced?

I am not bothered by weather. I love storms. I love the sound and the smells. I don't think I've ever been scared in a weather situation.

Main Course
If you could wake up tomorrow morning in another country, where would you want to be?

I think Africa. It's next on my travel agenda.

Dessert
What do you usually wear to sleep?

Well, I've been experiencing hot flashes as of late, so I wear next to nothing. Perhaps just a t-shirt.

I know it's been a while

I know it's been a while since I've written. There really isn't much going on. No, I have not sold, nor have I rented out the other house. I have been working quite a bit, which is nice since I'm earning enough money to pay the bills. I've been eating healthy and walking a lot which is paying off, since all my fall clothes from last year are fitting me better then they did previously and folks are asking me if I'm losing weight and telling me I look great. I love that!

I've had no sewer trouble since I had the pipes replaced and everything seems to be going smoothly.

Last weekend I went up north with my best friend and her 3 little ones. We had a great time. They have a very lovely "cottage" although I would call it a gorgeous house. In fact, if it were in my neighborhood, I would love to live in it. It reminds me of my Lansing house. The bathrooms are great and I love the kitchen. It has a wrap around porch, which is sublime.  Anyway...we had a great time. My friend and I stayed up late both nights talking and catching up. She used to be my next door neighbor when I lived in Lansing. She and her family moved to a bigger house about 3 years ago just prior to the birth of her twins. When we lived next door, we would often visit each other late in the evenings. We'd get our pj's on and walk to the others house and stay up late drinking wine and talking. I miss those days.

Update

Since I haven't written in a while, I thought I should and provide you with an update as to what's been going on in my life the past few weeks.

As most of you know, I've been trying to sell the house I just recently moved out of. It's been on the market for well over a year and still has not sold. I finally decided to hire a new Realtor who advised me to also try to rent it. So, that's what I'm doing. I'm trying to sell and rent my house. Whichever happens first, I will be relieved. I hired a property management company, the one that my new Realtor recommended. I feel comfortable with both the Realtor and the owner of the management company. I've also told my neighbors, well the ones I was friendly with anyway. They understand and of course hope, if I have to rent it, that I have "good renters". And, so do I.

Last Sunday was the unveiling ceremony of my mother's headstone. It was a very sad day for me. I had not been wanting to have this ceremony take place because I realized I was denying that my mother was dead. I imagined that as long as there was no headstone, or that as long as I didn't see the headstone, then she must not be dead. We could not put the ceremony off any longer. And of course when I saw the headstone I knew I couldn't deny my mother's death any longer.

My older brother and his family came into town and were staying with me for the weekend. They usually stay with me when they come to town. And just as it happened during the week of sitting Shiva when my mom died last summer, the sewer backed up in my basement this past weekend. My brother was in the downstairs bathroom having just used it when my nephew came running up the stairs yelling to me that his dad wanted me and that I should come right away. I could hear my brother yelling to me to bring towels. Lots of towels. So I did. I brought all the towels I could find...which meant my good ones as well as the not so good ones and we used almost all of them to sop up the not so clean water.

You might recall that I have just recently had my basement nicely finished and fully carpeted. Needless to say, as I was last year when this happened, I was incredibly distraught again this year. Especially since I had had the drain snaked out in April as the plumbers had previously advised. So, here they come again to clean the drain, yet another time. And, I decided to have a clean out put in in the front.  (Elisabeth, in case you haven't decided to buy a house yet, don't let this be a deterrent for you. I still am glad I own this house and have a beautifully finished basement...sewer problems and all!) Well, those plumbers came over to my house yet again, yesterday and put a camera down my sewer drain at which time we saw (yes I was looking too!) that the pipe leading to the main sewer had a large crack running down it, and we also saw lots and lots of tree roots. So, I decided to have these lovely plumbers replace the pipe. Which they did. It took them all day yesterday and they left me with a very large pile of dirt that runs the length of my front yard and is about 3 feet wide and 2 feet high. I have to let it sit over the winter so it will settle. So, for the next 8 months or so I will be looking at dirt. What a lovely view from my front window.

Now that I've spent just over $2000.00 dollars to have the pipes replaced, I'm feeling a tad stretched financially. Paying 2 mortgages really puts a crimp in my spending habits. So, I've put off replacing all those lovely towels that I had to throw away since they sopped up sewer water. Luckily, I have a cousin who works for a fire and water restoration company. He came over on Sunday and cleaned up all the mess for me, and checked to make sure that the walls and carpet didn't get wet. Whew! was I lucky. The pad under the carpet by the bathroom and laundry room did get wet, but sopped up the water enough so that the carpet didn't get wet. Now I just have to have someone come out to replace the pad, relay the carpet in those areas and get the carpet cleaned in those same areas. That I can live with! I can't imagine how I'd feel if I had to replace all of the carpet, or if I had to have the walls ripped out because they had gotten wet, which meant, contaminated by the sewage.

I am so lucky! Poor, but lucky!

---I'm going to stop here, even though there's more to write. I want to get back into blogging again. I think I'm ready and if I tell all now, there'll be nothing left to entice me back tomorrow.