Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Another moment of missing..........

I just finished watching the movie "The Secret Life of Bees" and found myself crying through most of it. The movie wasn't what was making me sad, it was what the movie was stirring in me. For those of you who aren't familiar with the story...its about a young girl growing up poor in the 60's who runs away from home to the place she thought she could learn about her deceased mother. She ends up living with 4 black women who become mothers to her. The movie was about mothers, mother-less children, child-less mothers and strong women teaching a young girl how to love herself and how to be strong.

What was making me sad was feeling like a mother-less child, and worrying about how my daughter was going to feel about herself having been "given away" by her birth mother. The longing I was feeling for my mother was overwhelming at times. And the worry I was feeling for my daughter was also overwhelming.

It's been 3 1/2 years since my mother passed away and I've been missing her a lot lately. The feelings are pretty raw and the longing for her, intense.

The anniversary of my father's death is in 4 days and I feel his loss intensely as well. It surprised me how much I was missing both my parents these past few days. I can't put my finger on why this year. I haven't missed my dad as much as I've missed him the past few days in many years.

Maybe, what's stirring the feelings is that I'm a mother myself and I worry about dying and leaving my daughter, who's already been left by one mother. I hope her knowledge of that first leaving is offset by how much I love her. I hope she always feels my presence and my love.

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