Cha Cha Cha Changes

Per the title:

--Pete's back!!!

--My nephew has moved in to my new (2nd house.) And, he even organized all the boxes that are taking up residence in the living room since the basement is torn apart from the water-proofing ordeal. Now the living room looks liveable. Who knew he'd be such a mench?

--And, I seem to have an attitude shift that's occurred over the past few days. You may recall from reading earlier posts that I'm trying to sell my house. This past december I purchased another house in a different city, closer to my mom and sister. Unfortunately, my mom passed away this past May, but I'm still planning to make the move just as soon as I sell my other house. I've really been struggling with my feelings about this, as I really like my first house and not so much the second. (Yes I put a ton of work into the first, including adding an upstairs master suite.) I've been really feeling conflicted about moving; being faced with the loss of my house that I love so much, and then the more painful loss of my mother. So, I've been struggling and feeling really stressed about the move, money, my work etc., but I've noticed that I'm feeling somewhat more peaceful. I think because I see myself starting my business in the "new" city differently from how I started it in the "old" city. And I see that the differences are paying off. Slowly, but none the less, paying off. That makes me happy.

The things we do to ourselves

I am struggling today. I want to be angry with my step father. He has been cleaning out the house of all his stuff and today he got the carpets cleaned. Not something I should be upset with him for. But...read on.... These are things my mom had wanted him to do for the longest time. She would complain to him and they would fight about this on and off for as long as I can remember. She used to complain about how miserable she was in the house. How unhappy she was about how dirty and messy the house always was. It was always so full of stuff. Really cluttered and very disorganized. He's a pack-rat. He grew up during the depression and is one of those people who feel as if he's got to have a lot of stuff, just in case the stock market crashes again and he loses all his money. A number of years ago I had even spoken with his daughter and told her that my mom was very unhappy, that he was not willing to do it himself and that we (my siblings and I) were concerned because it was so bad it was a fire hazard. But nothing changed. Anyway, so now he's doing it. The house looks great! My sister tells me the carpets look almost new. And I'm upset because I wish he would have done this when my mom was alive.

Okay, so I'm chewing on this all day and I realize that I feel guilty. Why guilt you ask? Well, let me tell you why...I think I should have done more for my mom when she was alive. I should have forced my step-dad to clean out the house of all his junk, and to get the carpets cleaned and to etc., etc., etc. And I didn't. So...I feel angry with him so I don't have to feel guilty myself for not taking better care of her.

And I chew on this for most of the evening and I realize that my mom should have taken better care of herself. And she didn't. And I did try to help her get him to clean his stuff and to enlist his daughter in trying to get him to clean his stuff. But really, she needed to be able to step up and deal with him. To take better care of herself.

Through all of this digesting...I am feeling really really sad. And missing my mom a lot this evening. I also realized that I haven't felt sad in a couple of days, and I actually found myself singing along with the stereo and dancing to the beat. And for this...I feel even more guilt.

So I chew on this for about 30 minutes and remind myself that I am not dead. That I am alive and I have to figure a way to keep on living in the face of knowing that I am (just like we all are) dying.

So, I hope I don't get indigestion.

(to R.L., in a moment of missing)

It wasn’t just two weeks ago that you left here.
And drove to some far away place.
I think of you every day, every hour, every minute.
I think of you every breath.

It used to be that breathing was easy
when you were near.
Now, I can’t take in your scent.
Patchouli puts me in a moment of missing you.
I remember the tastes of the meals we prepared,
the rhythm of the music we listened to,
if only in a moment of missing.

You told me you had to go find something.
To make you happy.
I told you I understood.
I didn’t want to be mean. So I said that.
Now, in a moment of missing you,
I want to take it back.
I want to be mean.
You left me, remember?

What I've learned lately...

Okay, so I'm supposed to teach a course this fall and I'm beginning to panic a bit. My first full-semester course. I've been doing a lot of reading and believe I'm learning a lot but I don't feel I know enough to teach the class. So, I find that I always do something that complicates matters. I meander around in the citations looking at the articles and papers referenced, read them and think I need to include them in what I'll be teaching. I also do this when I'm writing articles. What happens next is I end up feeling overwhelmed and lose interest in writing or teaching because it ends up being way toooooooo much. I struggle making a plan and sticking to it. So, then I end up feeling compelled to research writing research papers and applying what I find to teaching.

1000

I'm shooting for 1000 hits to my blog. I've decided that will make me feel special. Or at least that my blog is special. But, I have a hard time thinking that, really, as I haven't gotten that many comments. The one person who left the most comments seems to have fallen off the face of the blogging world. I'm not sure what happened to him, except maybe he's gotten caught up in family stuff. Who knew! Anyway...somehow the idea of having 1000 hits to my blog is really doing something for me.

If you're one of those 1000 hits I'd appreciate any comments you care to leave. As long as they are kind.

Amended list of things to do:

 


Believe I have enough! 

I wish you enough.

This came to me in an e-mail today, and now I share it with you.

When we said , 'I wish you enough', we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them".

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude
Bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

Whisker collection.

I wish I had saved all the whiskers my cat's have lost over the years. I bet I'd have quite a few, since I've had cat's since I was a teenager. But anyway, back to the whisker thing...I find them in the most unusual places and I'm always a little intrigued about them. They're (the whiskers) are so stiff and sharp on the one end, while they're so flexible and soft on the other. I know what they're all about since I've paid attention to my cats over the years. In case you don't know what whiskers are all about, you can check out this site:

"http://science.howstuffworks.com/question592.htm"

So, what would I do with all those whiskers? I dunno. Maybe just keep them in a pile someplace, or put them in a jar standing up with the soft side up. That might be kind of cool.

---Sorry, I couldn't get the link command to work. I'll try again later.---

The Music Genome Project.

If you like good music, and if you are always on the look out for more good music check out this site...Pandora.com. I've found some really nice music that I've never heard before by bands I've never heard of before. Go there now!

Things To Do:

1. Sell my house.
2. Get boxes to pack stuff in.
3. Take cell phone back to store for replacement. (It randomly shuts itself off.)
4. Finish cleaning office.
5. Return phone calls.
6. Stick to weight watchers plan.
7. Laundry.


Did I mention I need to sell my house?

Something fun.

Your Observation Skills Get A B

Your senses are pretty sharp (okay, most of the time) And it takes something big to distract you!

How Observant Are You?

And more fun............

Your Birthdate:

You have a Type A personality so big it makes other Type A's shrink away in shame. You never shy away from adversity - and you love to tackle impossible problems. Failure is not an option for you, and more than a few people are put off by your ego. You tend to be controlling, and you hate leaving anything up to chance. Your strength: Your bold approach to life Your weakness: You don't accept help Your power color: Bronze Your power symbol: Pyramid Your power month: October

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Miss you.

Pete, if you're out there, I miss reading your blog!

Happy 4th!

  

More from Cape May Point

  

Just Buzzin Around!

  

Cape May Point Lighthouse

 

Another pic from Cape May Point. 

Cape May Point

 

Sunrise on the beach at Cape May Point. Have you ever been? 

Zack's foot.

  

Zack is my new nephew. He's growing so fast! He's 3 months and 2 weeks old tomorrow! What a love he is. And how fast he's growing. I can't believe it. I am so grateful that my mom had the chance to meet him and hold him before she died. My sister is an amazing mom. (I hope she reads this post!)

Footprint

  

I've been away for so long I'm not sure how to get started. So much has happened. Should I start with the good stuff or the bad? I guess I'll start with what's formost on my mind. I lost my mom 2 months ago. She had an aneurysm. (I think that's how its spelled.) It was completely unexpected. She didn't have any symptoms. I am so very raw and today I've felt sick to my stomach all day. I've got so much on my mind about this but I don't feel like writing any more about it now.

On a better note...my sister had her baby at the end of March. He is a cutey.