Another moment of missing..........

I just finished watching the movie "The Secret Life of Bees" and found myself crying through most of it. The movie wasn't what was making me sad, it was what the movie was stirring in me. For those of you who aren't familiar with the story...its about a young girl growing up poor in the 60's who runs away from home to the place she thought she could learn about her deceased mother. She ends up living with 4 black women who become mothers to her. The movie was about mothers, mother-less children, child-less mothers and strong women teaching a young girl how to love herself and how to be strong.

What was making me sad was feeling like a mother-less child, and worrying about how my daughter was going to feel about herself having been "given away" by her birth mother. The longing I was feeling for my mother was overwhelming at times. And the worry I was feeling for my daughter was also overwhelming.

It's been 3 1/2 years since my mother passed away and I've been missing her a lot lately. The feelings are pretty raw and the longing for her, intense.

The anniversary of my father's death is in 4 days and I feel his loss intensely as well. It surprised me how much I was missing both my parents these past few days. I can't put my finger on why this year. I haven't missed my dad as much as I've missed him the past few days in many years.

Maybe, what's stirring the feelings is that I'm a mother myself and I worry about dying and leaving my daughter, who's already been left by one mother. I hope her knowledge of that first leaving is offset by how much I love her. I hope she always feels my presence and my love.

Zoo Boo Days in 2009.

Penguin on the loose!

My sweet pea!

Big Girl!

I have no idea what she's saying, but she's been scolding me a lot lately!




She's walkin! She's talkin! Where has the time gone???

Swinging on the Swing!

You should see my baby’s face when she’s sitting on the swing and I’m pushing her. She’s smiling and laughing and then she finally gets in the zone. While she’s swinging she’s singing. Hey, that rhymes. But really, she’s so cute. She loves swinging on the swing. When I stopped the swing to take her off so she could play on the slide she started screaming. I got it, loud and clear. She wanted to keep swinging. So that’s what we did. We swung on the swing.

More cake!

 

Happy 1st Birthday Cake, a little early!

 

June Pictures

Fresh from the dryer!!

Sleeping Beauty!

Sweet Baby!

Bubbi Judy and Zaidi Bob

Last Monday my sister and I took our children, along with our step dad, to the cemetery. It was the 3rd anniversary of our mom's death. The visit to the cemetery wasn't a quiet nor serene one as I had been thinking it should have been. But Rachel reminded me that we have kids now and kids make noise and fuss and move around and want to move and be out of the stroller and etc.. So, the visit went exactly as it was supposed to go. With kids making noise and moving all around and Zack running around. Just as they would be doing if we were visiting my parents at their home. So...

Dear mom and dad,
I hope its true what everyone says...that you know about the kids and see them and feel so proud and full of joy when you watch them playing and being loved by us, your children. I Hope you know that even though we didn't always get along or agree, I fully believe you loved me and us. That because of that love, all four of us are able to love our children. Yes, all four of us have children now. I have a daughter and Rick has a son. I believe we are all good parents because we had you for parents. Parenting isn't an easy job; with the "ghosts in the nursery" haunting every parent and the day to day issues, its amazing that anyone turns out okay. But, we did. You did the best you could and we turned out okay. Not perfect. But okay. I am proud to say I am your daughter.

Mom, I named my daughter after you and your mother. I hope you are pleased by that. I wanted to honor you both. Even though I don't remember Grandma Rose, she played a very significant role in my life. You remember when I was a child I didn't like my name and always threatened that I was going to change it as soon as I turned 18. Well, you know I could never do that. Grandma Rose named me. I still wish she had named me Sonya Ann, rather then Suanne. But she didn't. I hope Jadyn Rose likes her name. I will tell her all about the strong women whom she is named after. I will make sure she knows how much love has been passed on from generation to generation. I will share with her all my memories of you and the stories I've heard about your mother. I will help her feel strong and proud.

I hope I honor the parents you were by being the best parent I can be. Not perfect, but the best I can be.

Thank you for helping to shape who I am. I love and miss you both.

Jadyn

Here's some more pictures!

More pictures of my baby!

 

9 months old today--April 12

8 months tomorrow!

Miss J. will be 8 months tomorrow. 5 months corrected age. Look at my beauty!!!

Are we there yet?

I have one thing to say...Is it spring yet?

She's 7 months old!

Here is Miss J. celebrating her 7 month birthday! She's looking so big, and look at those eyes!!!



This picture was taken just before everyone arrived for a play date. Miss J is sitting on the couch waiting for her friends. Look at those eyes!



Here's Miss J and a very good friend, also adopted.

25 random things about Me.

1. I love being a mom.
2. I hate exercising.
3. I don't look my age.
4. My best friend is my sister.
5. I don't feel my age.
6. I am a chocoholic.
7. My favorite season is spring.
8. I love acting childlike.
9. I haven't read a novel in a long while.
10. My desk is a total mess.
11. I hate cleaning.
12. I've only been drunk once in my life.
13. I enjoy knitting, playing the piano, taking photographs, making pottery and beaded
jewelry.
14. I have 2 cats.
15. I had 2 cats who lived to the ripe old ages of 24 and 22.
16. I hate that my house in Lansing has more luxuries then my house in the metro Detroit
area does and that I don't live in Lansing any longer.
17. I am a master gardener abv (all but volunteer work.)
18. I have a secret desire to be a published author.
19. I've written a children's story.
20. I've written an article that I would like to have published.
21. I have found a journal that will publish it if I just added a literature review.
22. I am afraid to add the literature review even though a colleague of mine promised he
would help me.
23. I've traveled to Israel, Bahama's, Cancun, Costa Rica, Thailand, Canada and many of
the United States.
24. I used to windsurf...I miss doing it.
25. I love saying "Watch for leezards, lady!"

A few random things about me and Miss J.

1. I love how she nuzzles into my chest when she's tired.
2. I love that she hums when she eats.
3. I love the sounds she makes when she's tired.
4. I love that she often wakes me up by talking and screeching.
5. I love the sound of her laughter.
6. I love the faces she makes when she's eating rice cereal.
7. I love how excited she gets when she sees her bottle.
8. I love how she looks to me and at me when she's in another persons arms.
9. I love the color of her eyes.
10. I love that she grabs my shirtsleeve when I'm changing her diaper.
11. I love that she puts her cheek next to mine.
12. I love the sound of her sweet voice.
13. I love that she's starting to switch her toy from one hand to the other.
14. I love that she insists on sitting up most of the time now.
15. I love that she's beginning to roll over from her tummy to her back.

The 2 J's.

My little J is on the left. My sister's little J is on the right.

Mommy brain has taken over!

I cannot remember anything. Except when it comes to Miss J. For her, I remember everything. Every little burp, every little hiccup. Everything! For everyone else, nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Sorry. I can't help it. My brain has turned to mush since J has come to be with me. My sister calls it Mommy Brain. I guess that's what it is, cuz it wasn't like that before J.

I feel bad about it too. I really don't mean to be forgetful. If you've made plans with me and I've stood you up, sorry. If you've asked me to do a favor for you and I didn't do it, sorry. If you look for my posts expecting one, sorry.

Mommy Brain has taken over!

Happy Birthday Miss J.

	Hanna - Everybody Say Happy Birthday
	Found at skreemr.com

Miss J is 6 months old today! (3 months corrected!) Hip Hip Hooray!

Happy Birthday Miss J.

Spiritual High

This is the rest of the Moodswings song--Spiritual High. I really love this. I'm not moved by the video but the words send me. Give it a listen.


Here's the real post for today: So I forgot to mention when Miss J started reaching out for things. That was last week. Now she's grabbing things and bringing them to her mouth. She's not very good at it yet, but she's getting there. Then today she rolled over. She had done that 2 times previously, but I believe those times were a result of my having raised her up on her 2 hands. Today's roll was all on her own doing.

Mood music

	Moodswings - Spiritual High
	Found at skreemr.com

Mom:

	Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You
	Found at skreemr.com

I will remember you, will you remember me....weep not for the memories.

Standing on the edge of something much too deep. Funny how I feel so much, I cannot say a word....

I will remember you will you remember me. Don't let your life pass you by...weep not for the memories.

Okay, so every time I think about my little girl I can't help but feel my heart swell. It swells so much it hurts.

I only wish my mom were around to share in my awe. I know we didn't always get along. She wasn't the easiest person to be with. I'm sure neither was I. But I do wish she were still alive. I think she would be very happy and content.

She gave me every thing she had, she gave me life. I will remember her. I just wish she hadn't let her life pass her by. I almost let mine pass me by.

She would have 3 little grandchildren living within 5 miles of her, and another on the way. (My younger brother and his wife are expecting a baby in May.)

Actually, the more I think about this the more I realize this post isn't really about my mom, its about me. Truth is, I wish I hadn't waited so long to have a child. I'm 46, soon to be 47, in March. Miss J. is going to be a year in July. I am fearful I won't be around to see her get married, or have children. I try not to worry too much about that. I have decided to mostly focus on making sure there are a lot of people in her life who love her! Because, someday when I am no longer alive, she will need to rely on those people. And the more people she can turn to, the better off she will be.

If I hadn't waited as long as I did, perhaps I would have been able to have a child naturally. Perhaps not. I will never know. As such, I have Miss J. to cherish. But still. There are regrets.

If I hadn't waited as long as I did, perhaps my mother would have been able to know and love my child.

I'm so afraid to love you, more afraid to lose....

I love you mom. I love you Miss J.

Don't let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories.

Three little Kiddies.

I was babysitting my niece and nephew and Miss J. today. I don't often watch over all 3 of them at once. My sister can do it, easily. Me, well, I'm just getting the hang of being with one. Today however, I decided I would give it a whirl. Twice. Once in the afternoon and once in the evening. I must say, I did alright! Nobody got hurt. Nobody cried too long. Everyone napped this afternoon, and everyone played nicely this evening. Including me, napping and playing!