Sunday, June 24, 2007

6 days left.......

Okay, there are 6 days left and I'm here in my old house with almost everything boxed up. Actually, most of my stuff is at the other house. I've had over a year to move my stuff and I have. Almost everything except my furniture. And my feelings.

I am very attached to this old house of mine. I've been here since 1992. This is the first house I ever bought. I bought it when I was not yet 30. About 4 years ago, before I knew I was going to move, I put an addition on it. I built a second story-master suite with a beautiful bedroom, bath and walk-in closet. You might remember some of the pictures from a previous post. (Sorry, no link today.) I've lost 2 of my beloved pets while living in this house. In addition, I obtained a post-graduate certificate in psychoanalysis and I've completed an analysis of my own. One in which I've learned quite a bit about myself. Where you could say, as my sister did earlier today, I found myself, all while living in this house.

The decision to move was based on numerous factors.
1. My mother's health was declining and I wanted to be closer to where she lived.
2. I wanted to be closer to where my sister and her family lived to allow me to
develop close relations with her children.
3. I can make more money in the city to which I am moving.

So, one and a half years ago I bought a little house thinking that I would be able to sell the old house rather quickly. Because I was not, and mostly because my mom died unexpectedly last May, I have been grieving all sorts of things. There is another issue at play here. I desperately wish to have a child and have not been able to. I am 45 and my biological clock is ticking rather loudly. I'm not sure if having a child will be possible for me. I've got some medical issues that might make it impossible. This makes me very very sad.

Once I know if I am unable to have a child, I will have to let go of the fantasies of raising a child. I am going to miss this house. I am missing my mom. I am going to miss the fantasies of being a mom.


Maggpie said...

Oh Sis, I am sorry you are grieving. I know it is hard and that you are strong. I am here for you. Regarding your (in?)fertility issues, I hope you are able to have a baby of your own, but don't forget about adoption if you can not. I love you!

Rosie said...

Sue, as you know, my two boys are adopted and as your sister said, don't forget that as an option.

It sounds so glib though doesn't it? Adopting doesn't take away the sting of infertility. It just doesn't. When we were in counseling for our infertility before adopting the best piece of advice I got was to allow myself to grieve for my unborn child, the child I would never give birth to. It was so liberating to be able to mourn that loss.

So while you are going through a difficult period of grief right now, I'll keep you in my thoughts and send you all sorts of good wishes and prayers.

Neil said...

I'm sorry for some of the sad feelings you are having. I hope this move energizes you to see things in new ways.