Truth can be painful

John Ciardi
(1916-1986)

True or False

True
or False

Real emeralds are worth more than synthetics


but the only way to tell one from the other


is to heat them to a stated temperature,


then tap. When it's done properly


the real one shatters.


I have no emeralds.


I was told this about them by a woman


who said someone had told her: True or false,


I have held my own palmful of bright breakage


from a truth too late. I know the principle.

Pleasantville

Do you remember that movie "Pleasantville" with Toby McGuire, Jeff Daniels and et al? Well, its on tv now and I'm watching it and thinking about passion and vitality. I love that movie. It reminded me of me before analysis (aka b.a.). I felt like I was living with my eyes wide shut. My world seemed like it was in black and white, rather then in color. I didn't feel passionate about anything. I was depressed. I had lived most of my life feeling that way, until I got into psychoanalysis. My analyst was this guy in his late 70's. He was the most gentle, kind person I have ever met. Oh, I digress. He helped me to open my eyes and find my passion. Who knew some old geyser would help a 30 something single woman find her soul. I digress again, The thing I liked best about that movie was when color started appearing. When the characters started feeling alive and passionate, then they saw red. And green. You know, red with anger and green with envy. I really was grateful when my colors (passion) started appearing. That feeling of newness and awe and wonder rocks my world. I value that more then day to day feeling. Don't get me wrong, I do truly value feeling my feelings. But there's something about discovery and newness that sends me.

What do you think?

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Ahhhhhhhh

If you ever wanted to give me a gift, besides the ones listed in the sidebar, you wouldn't go wrong if you gave me this. I absolutely adore this. I have discovered that the good stuff is the best stuff. I've tried the not so good and have been sorely disappointed. So, I now only by the good stuff. Besides, when I eat the good stuff, I don't need as much to get the same feeling/rush as I do when I eat the cheap stuff. So, the saying, a little goes a long way really applies here. And, the cheap stuff is so waxy. Yuck. Who wants to eat wax? I like a nice smooth finish. This particular kind has some chunks in it, but the stuff holding the chunks in place has a definite smooth finish. Try it for yourself, I'm confident you will like it!

To mom

I just read a post on Schmutzie's blog about something her mother said to her that got her riled up. That got me thinking about all the things my mother used to say to me that would rile me up.

For instance, shortly after I bought my "old" house she had come for a visit and said "what a cute little house you have." I was stuck on the word "little". My feelings were hurt. Now, of course my house was little. At the time, prior to the second story addition, it was only 950 sq. ft. But I thought she could have left off the "little" part in her statement.



On another occasion, after my siblings and I had finished sprucing up her yard for mothers day when I went to help her outside she said to me, after I told her we had finished, "When are you going to do the backyard?" Not, wow, how nice it looks and thanks so much for all the hard work you all have done, but "When are you going to do the backyard?" Needless to say she hurt my feelings again. I very kindly told her so and thought she would be best served by not saying those words to my siblings, but instead should thank them for all the hard work they had put into making her front yard very pretty!



On yet another occasion, after I had just bought a myself a Volvo to drive, I stopped by her house to take both her and my sister, who was meeting us at my mom's, out for a bite to eat. My mom got in the car and as we were driving she asked "So, how do you like your new Vulva?" I replied with a lot of laughter and squeals (my sister was guffawing it up in the backseat) and I said "I love it, mom, thanks for asking. Now I just need to find someone to ride in it with me." Which, of course, sent my sister, who was already laughing hysterically, way over the hysterical laughter edge! We were laughing so hard we both had tears rolling down our faces. And, our poor mother didn't get it until I explained to her that instead of saying Volvo, she asked about my Vulva. She was always a good sport and didn't mind that my sister and I were just bent over with hysterics. My mom, too, got a good laugh out of the exchange.



I miss those times...all of them. Even the hurtful ones. Because I know she didn't really mean to be hurtful, sometimes I think she wasn't being mindful of what she said and how other's might take the things she said. Just as I know I am not always mindful of what I say, to whom I say it, and the words I choose to use. And, I know I do not mean to be hurtful to others, but I am human and I make mistakes. Just as she did. And, most importantly, I know my mother loved me.

Dry postings

Sorry for the dryness of my previous post. I just wanted to add something about psychology but I didn't realize it was sooooooo dry. I hope it didn't put you to sleep.

In spite of the dryness, did you have any thoughts about wanting, self actualization, taking an active role in your life, fulfilling your potential and integrity? Let me know if you did.

I want...

I want so many things I don't even know where to begin. I want to sell my house, I want to move permanently and full time into my new house. I want to eat healthier. I want to feel sexy. I want to establish an exercise routine. I want to re-do my 1st floor bathroom in my new house. I want to be a mom. I want to read more. I want to write more. I want to like what I write and how I write. I want to publish the children's book I wrote a few years back. I want to travel more. I want to cook more. I want to make more friends. I want to see the friends I have now more. I want to be more wise with how I spend my money. And the list goes on and on and on.



And, yes I know I can do something about all of these. And I want that too. To be doing something about all of these. So, the question is...what stops me? What gets in my way? And, of course, the answer is "I stop me. I get in my own way."



From Wikipedia:

Ethics in psychology

By the 1960s there was increased interest in moral reasoning. Psychologists such as Lawrence Kohlberg
developed theories which are based on the idea that moral behavior is
made possible by moral reasoning. Their theories subdivided moral
reasoning into so-called stages, which refer to the set of principles
or methods that a person uses for ethical judgment. The first and most
famous theory of this type was Kohlberg's theory of moral development.

Carol Gilligan,
a student of Kohlberg's, argued that women tend to develop through a
different set of stages from men. Her studies inspired work on an ethic of care, which particularly defines itself against Rawlsian-type justice- and contract-based approaches.

Another group of influential psychological theories with ethical implications is the humanistic psychology movement. One of the most famous humanistic theories is Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Maslow argued that the highest human need is self-actualization, which can be described as fulfilling one's potential, and trying to fix what is wrong in the world. Carl Rogers's
work was based on similar assumptions. He thought that in order to be a
'fully functioning person', one has to be creative and accept one's own
feelings and needs. He also emphasized the value of self-actualization.
A similar theory was proposed by Fritz Perls, who assumed that taking responsibility of one's own life is an important value.

R.D. Laing developed a broad range of thought on interpersonal psychology.
This deals with interactions between people, which he considered
important, for an ethical action always occurs between one person and
another. In books such as The Politics of Experience, he dealt with
issues concerning how we should relate to persons labeled by the
psychiatric establishment as "schizophrenic".
He came to be seen as a champion for the rights of those considered
mentally ill. He spoke out against (and wrote about) practices of psychiatrists which he considered inhumane or barbaric, such as electric shock treatment. Like Wittgenstein, he was frequently concerned with clarifying the use of language in the field — for example, he suggested that the effects of psychiatric drugs (some of which are very deleterious, such as tardive dyskinesia)
be called just that: "effects", and not be referred to by the preferred
euphemisms of the drug companies, who prefer to call them "side
effects". Laing also did work in establishing true asylums as places of
refuge for those who feel disturbed and want a safe place to go through
whatever it is they want to explore in themselves, and with others.

A third group of psychological theories that have implications for the nature of ethics are based on evolutionary psychology.
These theories are based on the assumption that the behavior that
ethics prescribe can sometimes be seen as an evolutionary adaptation.
For instance, altruism towards members of one's own family promotes one's inclusive fitness.

Moral ethics. Yep, that's what I want more of.



There's some food for thought for you.

(And me too!)





The truth is, I've known about ethics and integrity and self actualization for a very long time. I've been in therapy for many years. Jeez, I am a therapist. With all that said, I still want and want and want. At least now my wants are in my control. It's not like what I used to want...to be taller for example. That I can do nothing about. All the things I mentioned above that I want are all things that I can do and am doing something about. Sometimes I get impatient however. Like now. But then I remind myself that acquiring all the things I want is a life-long journey. And every day I get closer and closer to feeling satisfied.

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6 weeks and 4 days.

Well, this is the start of my countdown until I move permanently to my other house. I am very excited to be making the move! I will be so happy to be in 1 place full time. I've been going back and forth for a number of years. First I was just going on Friday's. Then I was going on Friday's and Saturday's and spending the night at my sisters. I did this for years. Thank goodness she and I really get along. Then a year and a half ago I bought another house in that other city and have been going there Thursday through Saturday's. So, now I will be making the move full time permanently in just over 6 weeks and I can tell you....I will be so relieved. And, my pocketbook will be happy to, what with the price of gasoline! Oh, and the miles I rack up on my car will really shrink. My office is just 4 miles from my house and my sister lives only 3 miles away. How nice will that be? I just hope I can continue to build my practice up enough to afford to make the mortgage payments on both houses until my "old" house sells.

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Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. This will be the second Mother's Day with out my mother. The 1st anniversary of her death was on the 4th of this month. That day passed with little feeling for me. (You can read more about that post a few posts back.) However, I have noticed that I am feeling really sad about my not being able to celebrate Mother's Day with my mom.



My family had a regular way of celebrating. Every Mother's Day my siblings and I would gather together early at my mom's house and work on her front garden. We would pull the weeds, trim all the flowering plants and bushes, head over to the nearest nursery where we would purchase some annuals for her and return back to her house to plant them. My sister-in-law would be in charge of creating some planters for my mom's front porch while my brother and sister and I would plant the rest of the flowers. My step-dad would help too by picking up the debris we would pile up for bagging. Then we would help my mom come outside so she could see how beautiful her yard looked. She loved it.



When I would ask her what she wanted for Mother's Day it was always the same request. That my siblings and I would tend to her front yard. So, we would. We've done it for many years. There were times when I resented having to go to her house to tend to her garden when I have my own huge garden to take care of. However I never told her no.



After we would finish up with doing the gardening, we would then have a brunch together. This usually consisted of bagels and cream cheese and eggs. Nothing fancy because later on we would all re-gather for a bar-b-que at my mom's house. We would cook ribs, corn on the cob, salad and baked potato and have some kind of dessert. Again, at her request. She never wanted to go out to eat. She always wanted us to all be together at her house on Mother's Day. Unfortunately, my older brother was seldom able to join us. He had moved away a long time ago and, well, I can't remember a time when he joined us on Mother's Day.



Last years Mother's Day went by in a blur since it was only days after my mother had passed. This year's seems to be more profound for me. My sister has a 13 month old son. He was born just 5 weeks prior to my mother's death and at her request, we will be having a bar-b-que at her house. I haven't asked her yet what she would like to have to eat, but I suspect it will be ribs, corn on the cob, salad and baked potato. I feel ambivalent about this gathering. I miss my mom a lot and feel like I want to be by myself to mourn. My sister really wants us all to be together as a way of remember and celebrating our mother, as well as celebrating her new motherhood. I want to be able to grant my sister's wish and hope I find it within myself to do so.



If you are a mother, then I wish you a happy Mother's Day!

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Moving date

I have finally picked my moving date. No, I have not sold my "old" house yet, but I decided that I cannot wait any longer. My house has been on the market for over a year, I've been traveling between 2 cities that are 90 miles apart, I'm living in 2 houses and I just can't take it any longer. So, with my basement being completed in my "new" house I can move my furniture from my "old" house to  my new house. And, I have chosen June 29-30th as my moving date.



I am feeling relieved knowing that I will be finally living in 1 house with all of my belongings and my 2 cats. And especially relieved that I won't have to be driving nearly as much as I do.

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Garlic breath!

I saw this guy while on my trip. I think he had garlic for lunch.

Out with the Bad, In with the other Bad

Okay, so now I am fully recovered from my bout with the flu. However I am now stricken with a nasty (and I mean NASTY) sinus infection.

So, instead of writing something lengthy here, cuz I really don't have the energy for it, I decided I'd let you peruse some of my pictures.


This is a picture of my bedroom. What do you think?


And here is my deck. Do you like it?


Now you're looking at my sunroom.



Now, don't these pictures make you think "wow, I really have to have that house for my own."

I'm hoping to feel better tomorrow, since I visited with my Dr. today and got some drugs.

Love

My thoughts for the day seem to be centered around loving my "step father." In the past I've felt incredibly conflicted about loving him. You see, he's not really my step-father. He and my mother never married. Although they did live together for over 18 years. Initially, when they got together I was angry. I was angry at my mother for finding someone else to love so quickly after my father died. I thought she should not have done so. I was angry at him for moving into the space my father occupied in my mother's life and I was especially angry at my mother for inviting him to move into my childhood home with her.



For years I was angry for those reasons. It took a long time and a lot of therapy for me to stop being angry and bitter at my mother and at him. I came to accept him as a good and kind and loving man who truly loved my mother. He never acted as if he wanted to replace my father. In stead, he loved my mother and tried his best to take good care of her. In turn, she loved him and tried her best to take good care of him.



Undoubtedly they had their troubles, just like all couples do. But when things were the most difficult, they were there for each other. And, he was there for my mother during the most difficult times when her health was at her worst.



My siblings and I have silently agreed that he is a part of our family. We did that many years ago. And we act as if he and my mother were married. When major decisions about my mother's care needed to be made, we included him in the process.

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One year.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my mother's passing. As far as the day is going, I haven't been feeling too affected by it. I'm surprised too. I thought for sure I'd be really struggling. I have to say however, that I did have a very hard time falling asleep last night. I couldn't figure out why for the longest time and then it hit me...it was during the wee hours of the night that we received the phone call from the hospital telling us we needed to get there right away; that, in essence, is when my mother lost her connection with the living world.

My sister, nephew, step-father and I commemorated this day by going to the cemetary this morning. For me, it was uneventful but I am glad I went.

I'm Back!

Well hello everyone! Thanks for patiently waiting for me to return. I got back on Sunday night, but haven't been feeling well, so didn't write. I thought I hadn't gotten my land legs back yet, but it turned out I had the flu. Yuck! I had a fever of 101 when it was at its highest and was in the bathroom a lot. I'm not feeling quite myself yet, but I'm almost there. Here are just a few of the pictures I took while on my cruise.

Vacation

My bags are packed, (almost) I'm ready to go (yes, really.)

I'm standing here outside your door (well, outside my door.)
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye (I hope you're not sleeping now, cuz its 2 in the afternoon my time but I do want to say goodbye until after the 29th. I won't have time to blog until then so...goodbye!)

The taxi's waiting (we've hired a metro car to take us to the airport!)
He's blowing his horn (jeez I hope he doesn't cuz it will be 5 in the morning and the neighbors will be pissed.)
I'm already so lonesome I could die (well, I am traveling with my sister so I don't think I'll be all that lonesome, and forgive me blog fans, but you are not my life.)

So kiss me and smile for me (well, only kiss me if you are a very handsome, very available nice Jewish fella in his mid 30's to 40's interested in sweeping me off my feet, smile for me if your anybody!)
Tell me that you'll wait for me (and read my blog when I get back.)
Hold me like you'll never let me go (but don't squeeze too tight cuz I won't be able to breathe.)

I'm leaving on a jet plane (and a really big boat.)
Don't know when I'll be back again (actually I do, on the 29th.)
Oh babe I hate to go (NOT!)

Murder at Virginia Tech

I have been feeling incredibly sad that a man could be so troubled and disturbed that he could kill 33 people, including himself. I read today that the suspect, Cho Seung-Hui, may have been romantically interested in the woman he killed in the dorm. I also read that, as and English major, his writings were filled with violent themes and that he had been taking antidepressants. What I didn't find published was information about his childhood and teenage years, how long was he taking the antidepressants and whether or not he had been in psychotherapy. What happened to this man that he felt compelled to murder?

What about Virginia Tech's Administration? Did they not do enough to protect the students at the University. I read that the news about the shooting in the dorm did not get released until a couple hours after the shooting. Had the information been made public earlier, would that have saved the other victims?

What about gun-control? Since the suspect was taking anti-depressants, should he have been allowed to purchase a gun? Are the rules about gun purchases strict enough?

What about the professors who knew that the suspects writings were filled with themes of violence? I read that he had been referred for psychotherapy. Should he have been forced to enter into a therapeutic relationship? Should he have been expelled from school for his writings since at least one of his professors was concerned?

What could have been done that was not done? I suspect nothing.

I don't want this post to be mostly about the suspect. But there isn't much information available about the victims. May they rest in peace.

Remember that time...

I saw this game over at voix's blog. I decided to steal the idea because I really enjoyed reading the stories left by others. It works like this: in comments, make up the most outrageous fictional story about you and me. The only rule is that it must begin with the words “Remember that time you and I…”

This is what I wrote: Remember that time we walked to your house that day after school when we were 8 and your mom made us chocolate chip cookies and milk to snack on. She sat down at the table with us because we were both crying about the boy who was teasing us by pulling your hair and pinching me on the arm. Your mom told us that when boys tease that means they like you. Remember when we looked at each other and made faces and blew bubbles in our milk because we didn't care about boys liking us. Remember when we were in junior high and that boy was still teasing us? Remember when we were in high school and he was still teasing us? And remember when we were in college and living in the dorm together and that boy was still teasing us? Well, I married that boy!

Post your stories about us in the comments!

VACATION!!!!!!!!!!

It is 6 days until I leave on my Cruising Vacation on Carnival's Victory Ship. Now I am excited. Actually, I'm really looking forward to having some down time. I have been feeling pretty fried lately. I've been making some major changes in my life, that I'm REALLY happy about but there's been a lot of stress involved.

Changes involving working on (aka finishing the basement to make room for all my furniture) my soon to be new permanent residence and as a consequence, racking up a lot of debt; which I haven't been in for a decade or so; which causes me ton's of stress as I worry about many things, money especially. Second on my list is praying that my current house sells soon. It's been on the market for a year now and with the economy being the way it is in mid-Michigan, well who knows when it will sell. Third on the list is trying to find ways of coping with the unexpected loss of my mother just last Spring. Fourth on the list is trying to not beat myself up for gaining weight, instead of losing it. Fifth on the stress list includes that very personal, threatening to my psyche, don't want to publish it on the internet just yet until I'm comfortable with it, thing. I could go on here, but I think you get the idea.

So, my reading list for the trip looks like this:

Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott (I'm half way through this and I'd like to finish it.)
Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg
The Measure of a Man by Sidney Poitier
And whatever fiction books my sister brings along.

I bet I finish the top two and what I borrow from my sister.

My activities list looks like this:
Sit on the deck
Read
Sit on the deck some more
Read some more
Walk the deck (there may even be a track to walk on)
Sit some more
Okay, you get it.

mom

May 4, 2006. This is the day my mother passed away. 19 days from now will be the 1st anniversary of her death. She was 65. She had M.S.

Multiple sclerosis: Function: noun : a demyelinating disease marked by patches of hardened tissue in the brain or the spinal cord and associated especially with partial or complete paralysis and jerking muscle tremor.

My mom had the relapsing/remitting kind: Relapsing-Remitting MS :In this form of MS there are unpredictable relapses (exacerbations, attacks) during which new symptoms appear or existing symptoms become more severe. This can last for varying periods (days or months) and there is partial or total remission (recovery). The disease may be inactive for months or years. * Frequency - approx 25%)

But she died from an aneurysm unrelated to her M.S.

I miss her.

How personal do I get here.

So I'm thinking that I've not written in a bit and I wonder why. The answer is that I'm thinking about issues that I'm not sure I want to publish on the internet. These issues feel particularly personal. I know, I know...I've written some very personal things in the past, but what's going on in my life is not past personal issues but current personal issues. And those other personal musings, were based on past events, or events not threatening to my psyche such as what's going on in my life today.