To mom

I just read a post on Schmutzie's blog about something her mother said to her that got her riled up. That got me thinking about all the things my mother used to say to me that would rile me up.

For instance, shortly after I bought my "old" house she had come for a visit and said "what a cute little house you have." I was stuck on the word "little". My feelings were hurt. Now, of course my house was little. At the time, prior to the second story addition, it was only 950 sq. ft. But I thought she could have left off the "little" part in her statement.



On another occasion, after my siblings and I had finished sprucing up her yard for mothers day when I went to help her outside she said to me, after I told her we had finished, "When are you going to do the backyard?" Not, wow, how nice it looks and thanks so much for all the hard work you all have done, but "When are you going to do the backyard?" Needless to say she hurt my feelings again. I very kindly told her so and thought she would be best served by not saying those words to my siblings, but instead should thank them for all the hard work they had put into making her front yard very pretty!



On yet another occasion, after I had just bought a myself a Volvo to drive, I stopped by her house to take both her and my sister, who was meeting us at my mom's, out for a bite to eat. My mom got in the car and as we were driving she asked "So, how do you like your new Vulva?" I replied with a lot of laughter and squeals (my sister was guffawing it up in the backseat) and I said "I love it, mom, thanks for asking. Now I just need to find someone to ride in it with me." Which, of course, sent my sister, who was already laughing hysterically, way over the hysterical laughter edge! We were laughing so hard we both had tears rolling down our faces. And, our poor mother didn't get it until I explained to her that instead of saying Volvo, she asked about my Vulva. She was always a good sport and didn't mind that my sister and I were just bent over with hysterics. My mom, too, got a good laugh out of the exchange.



I miss those times...all of them. Even the hurtful ones. Because I know she didn't really mean to be hurtful, sometimes I think she wasn't being mindful of what she said and how other's might take the things she said. Just as I know I am not always mindful of what I say, to whom I say it, and the words I choose to use. And, I know I do not mean to be hurtful to others, but I am human and I make mistakes. Just as she did. And, most importantly, I know my mother loved me.

Dry postings

Sorry for the dryness of my previous post. I just wanted to add something about psychology but I didn't realize it was sooooooo dry. I hope it didn't put you to sleep.

In spite of the dryness, did you have any thoughts about wanting, self actualization, taking an active role in your life, fulfilling your potential and integrity? Let me know if you did.

I want...

I want so many things I don't even know where to begin. I want to sell my house, I want to move permanently and full time into my new house. I want to eat healthier. I want to feel sexy. I want to establish an exercise routine. I want to re-do my 1st floor bathroom in my new house. I want to be a mom. I want to read more. I want to write more. I want to like what I write and how I write. I want to publish the children's book I wrote a few years back. I want to travel more. I want to cook more. I want to make more friends. I want to see the friends I have now more. I want to be more wise with how I spend my money. And the list goes on and on and on.



And, yes I know I can do something about all of these. And I want that too. To be doing something about all of these. So, the question is...what stops me? What gets in my way? And, of course, the answer is "I stop me. I get in my own way."



From Wikipedia:

Ethics in psychology

By the 1960s there was increased interest in moral reasoning. Psychologists such as Lawrence Kohlberg
developed theories which are based on the idea that moral behavior is
made possible by moral reasoning. Their theories subdivided moral
reasoning into so-called stages, which refer to the set of principles
or methods that a person uses for ethical judgment. The first and most
famous theory of this type was Kohlberg's theory of moral development.

Carol Gilligan,
a student of Kohlberg's, argued that women tend to develop through a
different set of stages from men. Her studies inspired work on an ethic of care, which particularly defines itself against Rawlsian-type justice- and contract-based approaches.

Another group of influential psychological theories with ethical implications is the humanistic psychology movement. One of the most famous humanistic theories is Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Maslow argued that the highest human need is self-actualization, which can be described as fulfilling one's potential, and trying to fix what is wrong in the world. Carl Rogers's
work was based on similar assumptions. He thought that in order to be a
'fully functioning person', one has to be creative and accept one's own
feelings and needs. He also emphasized the value of self-actualization.
A similar theory was proposed by Fritz Perls, who assumed that taking responsibility of one's own life is an important value.

R.D. Laing developed a broad range of thought on interpersonal psychology.
This deals with interactions between people, which he considered
important, for an ethical action always occurs between one person and
another. In books such as The Politics of Experience, he dealt with
issues concerning how we should relate to persons labeled by the
psychiatric establishment as "schizophrenic".
He came to be seen as a champion for the rights of those considered
mentally ill. He spoke out against (and wrote about) practices of psychiatrists which he considered inhumane or barbaric, such as electric shock treatment. Like Wittgenstein, he was frequently concerned with clarifying the use of language in the field — for example, he suggested that the effects of psychiatric drugs (some of which are very deleterious, such as tardive dyskinesia)
be called just that: "effects", and not be referred to by the preferred
euphemisms of the drug companies, who prefer to call them "side
effects". Laing also did work in establishing true asylums as places of
refuge for those who feel disturbed and want a safe place to go through
whatever it is they want to explore in themselves, and with others.

A third group of psychological theories that have implications for the nature of ethics are based on evolutionary psychology.
These theories are based on the assumption that the behavior that
ethics prescribe can sometimes be seen as an evolutionary adaptation.
For instance, altruism towards members of one's own family promotes one's inclusive fitness.

Moral ethics. Yep, that's what I want more of.



There's some food for thought for you.

(And me too!)





The truth is, I've known about ethics and integrity and self actualization for a very long time. I've been in therapy for many years. Jeez, I am a therapist. With all that said, I still want and want and want. At least now my wants are in my control. It's not like what I used to want...to be taller for example. That I can do nothing about. All the things I mentioned above that I want are all things that I can do and am doing something about. Sometimes I get impatient however. Like now. But then I remind myself that acquiring all the things I want is a life-long journey. And every day I get closer and closer to feeling satisfied.

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6 weeks and 4 days.

Well, this is the start of my countdown until I move permanently to my other house. I am very excited to be making the move! I will be so happy to be in 1 place full time. I've been going back and forth for a number of years. First I was just going on Friday's. Then I was going on Friday's and Saturday's and spending the night at my sisters. I did this for years. Thank goodness she and I really get along. Then a year and a half ago I bought another house in that other city and have been going there Thursday through Saturday's. So, now I will be making the move full time permanently in just over 6 weeks and I can tell you....I will be so relieved. And, my pocketbook will be happy to, what with the price of gasoline! Oh, and the miles I rack up on my car will really shrink. My office is just 4 miles from my house and my sister lives only 3 miles away. How nice will that be? I just hope I can continue to build my practice up enough to afford to make the mortgage payments on both houses until my "old" house sells.

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Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. This will be the second Mother's Day with out my mother. The 1st anniversary of her death was on the 4th of this month. That day passed with little feeling for me. (You can read more about that post a few posts back.) However, I have noticed that I am feeling really sad about my not being able to celebrate Mother's Day with my mom.



My family had a regular way of celebrating. Every Mother's Day my siblings and I would gather together early at my mom's house and work on her front garden. We would pull the weeds, trim all the flowering plants and bushes, head over to the nearest nursery where we would purchase some annuals for her and return back to her house to plant them. My sister-in-law would be in charge of creating some planters for my mom's front porch while my brother and sister and I would plant the rest of the flowers. My step-dad would help too by picking up the debris we would pile up for bagging. Then we would help my mom come outside so she could see how beautiful her yard looked. She loved it.



When I would ask her what she wanted for Mother's Day it was always the same request. That my siblings and I would tend to her front yard. So, we would. We've done it for many years. There were times when I resented having to go to her house to tend to her garden when I have my own huge garden to take care of. However I never told her no.



After we would finish up with doing the gardening, we would then have a brunch together. This usually consisted of bagels and cream cheese and eggs. Nothing fancy because later on we would all re-gather for a bar-b-que at my mom's house. We would cook ribs, corn on the cob, salad and baked potato and have some kind of dessert. Again, at her request. She never wanted to go out to eat. She always wanted us to all be together at her house on Mother's Day. Unfortunately, my older brother was seldom able to join us. He had moved away a long time ago and, well, I can't remember a time when he joined us on Mother's Day.



Last years Mother's Day went by in a blur since it was only days after my mother had passed. This year's seems to be more profound for me. My sister has a 13 month old son. He was born just 5 weeks prior to my mother's death and at her request, we will be having a bar-b-que at her house. I haven't asked her yet what she would like to have to eat, but I suspect it will be ribs, corn on the cob, salad and baked potato. I feel ambivalent about this gathering. I miss my mom a lot and feel like I want to be by myself to mourn. My sister really wants us all to be together as a way of remember and celebrating our mother, as well as celebrating her new motherhood. I want to be able to grant my sister's wish and hope I find it within myself to do so.



If you are a mother, then I wish you a happy Mother's Day!

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Moving date

I have finally picked my moving date. No, I have not sold my "old" house yet, but I decided that I cannot wait any longer. My house has been on the market for over a year, I've been traveling between 2 cities that are 90 miles apart, I'm living in 2 houses and I just can't take it any longer. So, with my basement being completed in my "new" house I can move my furniture from my "old" house to  my new house. And, I have chosen June 29-30th as my moving date.



I am feeling relieved knowing that I will be finally living in 1 house with all of my belongings and my 2 cats. And especially relieved that I won't have to be driving nearly as much as I do.

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Garlic breath!

I saw this guy while on my trip. I think he had garlic for lunch.

Out with the Bad, In with the other Bad

Okay, so now I am fully recovered from my bout with the flu. However I am now stricken with a nasty (and I mean NASTY) sinus infection.

So, instead of writing something lengthy here, cuz I really don't have the energy for it, I decided I'd let you peruse some of my pictures.


This is a picture of my bedroom. What do you think?


And here is my deck. Do you like it?


Now you're looking at my sunroom.



Now, don't these pictures make you think "wow, I really have to have that house for my own."

I'm hoping to feel better tomorrow, since I visited with my Dr. today and got some drugs.

Love

My thoughts for the day seem to be centered around loving my "step father." In the past I've felt incredibly conflicted about loving him. You see, he's not really my step-father. He and my mother never married. Although they did live together for over 18 years. Initially, when they got together I was angry. I was angry at my mother for finding someone else to love so quickly after my father died. I thought she should not have done so. I was angry at him for moving into the space my father occupied in my mother's life and I was especially angry at my mother for inviting him to move into my childhood home with her.



For years I was angry for those reasons. It took a long time and a lot of therapy for me to stop being angry and bitter at my mother and at him. I came to accept him as a good and kind and loving man who truly loved my mother. He never acted as if he wanted to replace my father. In stead, he loved my mother and tried his best to take good care of her. In turn, she loved him and tried her best to take good care of him.



Undoubtedly they had their troubles, just like all couples do. But when things were the most difficult, they were there for each other. And, he was there for my mother during the most difficult times when her health was at her worst.



My siblings and I have silently agreed that he is a part of our family. We did that many years ago. And we act as if he and my mother were married. When major decisions about my mother's care needed to be made, we included him in the process.

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One year.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my mother's passing. As far as the day is going, I haven't been feeling too affected by it. I'm surprised too. I thought for sure I'd be really struggling. I have to say however, that I did have a very hard time falling asleep last night. I couldn't figure out why for the longest time and then it hit me...it was during the wee hours of the night that we received the phone call from the hospital telling us we needed to get there right away; that, in essence, is when my mother lost her connection with the living world.

My sister, nephew, step-father and I commemorated this day by going to the cemetary this morning. For me, it was uneventful but I am glad I went.

I'm Back!

Well hello everyone! Thanks for patiently waiting for me to return. I got back on Sunday night, but haven't been feeling well, so didn't write. I thought I hadn't gotten my land legs back yet, but it turned out I had the flu. Yuck! I had a fever of 101 when it was at its highest and was in the bathroom a lot. I'm not feeling quite myself yet, but I'm almost there. Here are just a few of the pictures I took while on my cruise.

Vacation

My bags are packed, (almost) I'm ready to go (yes, really.)

I'm standing here outside your door (well, outside my door.)
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye (I hope you're not sleeping now, cuz its 2 in the afternoon my time but I do want to say goodbye until after the 29th. I won't have time to blog until then so...goodbye!)

The taxi's waiting (we've hired a metro car to take us to the airport!)
He's blowing his horn (jeez I hope he doesn't cuz it will be 5 in the morning and the neighbors will be pissed.)
I'm already so lonesome I could die (well, I am traveling with my sister so I don't think I'll be all that lonesome, and forgive me blog fans, but you are not my life.)

So kiss me and smile for me (well, only kiss me if you are a very handsome, very available nice Jewish fella in his mid 30's to 40's interested in sweeping me off my feet, smile for me if your anybody!)
Tell me that you'll wait for me (and read my blog when I get back.)
Hold me like you'll never let me go (but don't squeeze too tight cuz I won't be able to breathe.)

I'm leaving on a jet plane (and a really big boat.)
Don't know when I'll be back again (actually I do, on the 29th.)
Oh babe I hate to go (NOT!)

Murder at Virginia Tech

I have been feeling incredibly sad that a man could be so troubled and disturbed that he could kill 33 people, including himself. I read today that the suspect, Cho Seung-Hui, may have been romantically interested in the woman he killed in the dorm. I also read that, as and English major, his writings were filled with violent themes and that he had been taking antidepressants. What I didn't find published was information about his childhood and teenage years, how long was he taking the antidepressants and whether or not he had been in psychotherapy. What happened to this man that he felt compelled to murder?

What about Virginia Tech's Administration? Did they not do enough to protect the students at the University. I read that the news about the shooting in the dorm did not get released until a couple hours after the shooting. Had the information been made public earlier, would that have saved the other victims?

What about gun-control? Since the suspect was taking anti-depressants, should he have been allowed to purchase a gun? Are the rules about gun purchases strict enough?

What about the professors who knew that the suspects writings were filled with themes of violence? I read that he had been referred for psychotherapy. Should he have been forced to enter into a therapeutic relationship? Should he have been expelled from school for his writings since at least one of his professors was concerned?

What could have been done that was not done? I suspect nothing.

I don't want this post to be mostly about the suspect. But there isn't much information available about the victims. May they rest in peace.

Remember that time...

I saw this game over at voix's blog. I decided to steal the idea because I really enjoyed reading the stories left by others. It works like this: in comments, make up the most outrageous fictional story about you and me. The only rule is that it must begin with the words “Remember that time you and I…”

This is what I wrote: Remember that time we walked to your house that day after school when we were 8 and your mom made us chocolate chip cookies and milk to snack on. She sat down at the table with us because we were both crying about the boy who was teasing us by pulling your hair and pinching me on the arm. Your mom told us that when boys tease that means they like you. Remember when we looked at each other and made faces and blew bubbles in our milk because we didn't care about boys liking us. Remember when we were in junior high and that boy was still teasing us? Remember when we were in high school and he was still teasing us? And remember when we were in college and living in the dorm together and that boy was still teasing us? Well, I married that boy!

Post your stories about us in the comments!

VACATION!!!!!!!!!!

It is 6 days until I leave on my Cruising Vacation on Carnival's Victory Ship. Now I am excited. Actually, I'm really looking forward to having some down time. I have been feeling pretty fried lately. I've been making some major changes in my life, that I'm REALLY happy about but there's been a lot of stress involved.

Changes involving working on (aka finishing the basement to make room for all my furniture) my soon to be new permanent residence and as a consequence, racking up a lot of debt; which I haven't been in for a decade or so; which causes me ton's of stress as I worry about many things, money especially. Second on my list is praying that my current house sells soon. It's been on the market for a year now and with the economy being the way it is in mid-Michigan, well who knows when it will sell. Third on the list is trying to find ways of coping with the unexpected loss of my mother just last Spring. Fourth on the list is trying to not beat myself up for gaining weight, instead of losing it. Fifth on the stress list includes that very personal, threatening to my psyche, don't want to publish it on the internet just yet until I'm comfortable with it, thing. I could go on here, but I think you get the idea.

So, my reading list for the trip looks like this:

Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott (I'm half way through this and I'd like to finish it.)
Writing Down The Bones by Natalie Goldberg
The Measure of a Man by Sidney Poitier
And whatever fiction books my sister brings along.

I bet I finish the top two and what I borrow from my sister.

My activities list looks like this:
Sit on the deck
Read
Sit on the deck some more
Read some more
Walk the deck (there may even be a track to walk on)
Sit some more
Okay, you get it.

mom

May 4, 2006. This is the day my mother passed away. 19 days from now will be the 1st anniversary of her death. She was 65. She had M.S.

Multiple sclerosis: Function: noun : a demyelinating disease marked by patches of hardened tissue in the brain or the spinal cord and associated especially with partial or complete paralysis and jerking muscle tremor.

My mom had the relapsing/remitting kind: Relapsing-Remitting MS :In this form of MS there are unpredictable relapses (exacerbations, attacks) during which new symptoms appear or existing symptoms become more severe. This can last for varying periods (days or months) and there is partial or total remission (recovery). The disease may be inactive for months or years. * Frequency - approx 25%)

But she died from an aneurysm unrelated to her M.S.

I miss her.

How personal do I get here.

So I'm thinking that I've not written in a bit and I wonder why. The answer is that I'm thinking about issues that I'm not sure I want to publish on the internet. These issues feel particularly personal. I know, I know...I've written some very personal things in the past, but what's going on in my life is not past personal issues but current personal issues. And those other personal musings, were based on past events, or events not threatening to my psyche such as what's going on in my life today.

Amendment to previous post

Okay, my sister told me that in my last post I made it sound like I visit Krispy Kreme often and she wanted me to make sure that everyone knows that that is not the case. I actually only visit KK about once every 6 months. I know they used to give away free donuts because my neighbor told me and then we started visiting KK every 6 months or so. She and I drive by our local KK frequently as it is on the way to our local Meijer store and we enjoy shopping together. We do look to see if the orange light is on which indicates they are making donuts currently and we would tease each other about should we or shouldn't we go get a free donut. But, we only very rarely did. So what happened that prompted to me to write my last post was we were driving by, saw the orange light and she took me up on my tease. Since I was driving I drove us there. And you know the rest of the story.

Now, just because I don't frequent my local KK does not mean that I don't like donuts, or don't have an amazingly powerful sweet tooth. I LOVE SWEETS! (Especially dark chocolate with 70% cocoa. Dr. Oz says 70% or more is better for you but I think any more than 70 is way too bitter for my taste.) I just try really hard to not eat too many sweets and sometimes I don't have as much discipline as I would like to have.

I know I've mentioned in previous posts that I would like to lose some weight. Actually, again following Dr. Oz's advice, I'd like to lose some inches in my waist. I weigh quite a bit, but as I used to lift weights regularly and windsurf I am very muscular and solid. And, we all know that muscle weighs more then fat so my weight is actually greater then what I look like I should weigh. I have really cut down on how much food I eat. I try to exercise, but still struggle to fit that into my daily routine. And sometimes I eat too many sweets. Not just the dark chocolate...because I am very good about limiting my intake of that. But things like dried fruit, cookies, jelly beans, peeps, and etc.. Now, I never ever buy the cookies, jelly beans, peeps and etc.. My best friend, who has 3 little kids, always has junk food. She does not buy it either; the babysitter will bring it over, or my friend's mother brings it, or my friend's husband, who also has a sweet tooth and is not overweight, will buy the sweet stuff and hence, when I am visiting and preparing desserts for the kids, I will snack on it too.

KRISPY KREME NO LONGER GIVING AWAY FREE DOUGHNUTS

OH MY! I stopped by my local Krispy Kreme tonight hoping to pick up one of their free, hot off the roller, glazed doughnuts. However, when I was walking towards the door I noticed that there was a hand written sign taped to it that said "As of April 1, 2007 Krispy Kreme will no longer be giving away free doughnuts to its customers...." I was so upset that I couldn't read the rest of the sign. Consequently, I don't know what prompted Krispy Kreme to make this decision. I've been trying to find some information on the web about this but I haven't been successful. If you know something about this, let me know cuz I'm curious. Here's what I wonder...why would Krispy Kreme cease to give away free doughnuts when at the end of the night they throw away dozens and dozens of doughnuts. When I asked one of the clerks at my local Kremery, she told me about throwing away the doughnuts and she told me that they used to donate the left overs but they've stopped that practice too. The employees can't take them home to their loved ones either. For the life of me, I can't understand why they stopped the practice of giving away the doughnuts.

I suppose part of my feeling so out of sorts about this is that I have a really hard time throwing away food. It seems such a waste especially when there are so many people who don't have enough to eat. (Remember in a previous post I mentioned one of the things my mother used to tell me was that I should only put on my plate what I can eat and eat what's on my plate cuz there are people in other countries starving. I don't believe I mentioned that one of my responses to her was to offer to pack up and send my leftover food to those poor starving people. You can imagine that she never took me up on my offer.) REALLY!!! I cannot wrap my brain around the wisdom behind the decision to stop giving away free doughnuts, when those said doughnuts end up in the trash. What is up with that?!?

Integrity

Okay, so I'm obsessed with this word. Well, not the word actually, but what it means.

Here's what the Merriam Webster dictionary says integrity means:

1 : firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : INCORRUPTIBILITY
2 : an unimpaired condition : SOUNDNESS
3 : the quality or state of being complete or undivided : COMPLETENESS
synonym see HONESTY


I like the idea of acting from an unimpaired and undivided place. I would like to say that I act this way all the time, but I don't. I made a commitment to myself to act with integrity and to act from a place of integrity as often as I can. And when I find myself acting from a place of immorality or dishonesty or judgment I move myself back to a place of integrity as soon as humanly possible.

I saw on Oprah's show recently that she had a minister who was encouraging his congregation to not complain. The church had these purple bracelets made, like the WWJD bracelets, with the words "A complaint free world" written on it and are sending them to all over the world. The idea is to get people to not complain for 21 days. Supposedly 21 days is how long it takes to create a habit. So, the idea is if you don't complain for 21 days, then you have a habit of not complaining. Here's the recipe for making a new habit of not complaining...you put your bracelet on your wrist and when you find yourself complaining, you move it to the other wrist. You do this until you've gone 21 days without complaining, and then you've created a new habit. You can continue to wear your bracelet as a reminder to yourself and to show others that you are into not complaining. Of course, whenever you complain you have to move your bracelet to the other wrist.

Now, I think the idea of wearing a bracelet is sort of corny, but I like the idea of not complaining. Complaining does not fall into my definition of integrity and hey, if wearing a bracelet helps you to remember to not complain, then more power to ya!

It's my birthday!

Today is my birthday and I thought I'd contemplate what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for:

my health

I think first and foremost on this sub-list are my ability to think, see, walk, talk, touch, taste, smell and hear. Not necessarily in that order. As I age I am becoming more and more aware of how lucky I am that I am for the most part, healthy. I have high cholesterol and take medicine for that, but everything else is good. I am a tad overweight and not as flexible as I used to be, but I work on that.

my loved ones

Especially my sister, who is also my best friend. I am very grateful that she loves me unconditionally. I am not sure what I would do if I didn't have her. She has been my rock and my confidant during times of chaos, trauma and joy. And, she is 9 years my junior. She might be younger than I am, but sometimes I think she is much, much wiser.

I am also thankful for my brothers, nieces and nephews, and my friends. I am grateful to have so many people in my life who love me. There was a time when I wasn't aware of how loved I am and have been. But I am aware now. And I feel lucky.

the knowledge that my parents loved me

Even though both my parents are deceased, my father died in 1986 and my mother died in 2006 and losing both my parents has been incredibly traumatic for me, it has been so incredibly helpful to me knowing that both my parents loved me very, very much.

my ability to care for myself

I feel very empowered when I am taking good care of myself. That means when I'm eating right, sleeping well, taking vitamins, being responsible with my money and living in my integrity.

Things my mother told me:

I just read Rosie's blog and she asked if her reader's made their beds everyday. That got me thinking about things my mother told me and I wonder do other's live by their mother's "Rules For Living"?
Here are my mother's "Rules For Living":

1. Always wear a clean, unholy pair of underwear. Just in case you get into a car accident you wouldn't want the ER doctor to see your holy underwear.---I always listen to my mother.

2. Never go outside without dressing nice, doing your hair and wearing make-up. You always want to make a good impression because you never know who you will run into. It could be a really nice, single, handsome, jewish guy.---I mostly listen to my mother.

3. Always make your bed. You never know who will stop by one day and you'll want to give them a tour of your nice house and you'll be so embarrassed if your bed isn't made.---I always listen to my mother.4. Always brush your teeth in the morning and at night. And always floss your teeth at least once a day. You only have 1 set of teeth and you want them to last a lifetime.---I always listen to my mother.

5. Drive safely, you're carrying precious cargo.---I mostly listen to my mother.

6. Call mom when you get home, even though you're in your 40's she will worry.---I always got annoyed with her when she would tell me this, but always called her so she wouldn't worry, and as I said in a previous post...missed her telling me this since she's died.

7. Don't take more food then you can eat, and always eat whats on your plate. There are people starving in Africa. You should be grateful for what you've got.---I always listen to my mother, even though sometimes my eyes are bigger then my stomach. What happens then is that my stomach stretches to accommodate all that food and no wonder I'm overweight.

Did I forget any?

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Zack! He had a blast, ate tons of cake (never had sugar before in his whole life...1 year exactly on Tuesday), played with balloons, had a meltdown when he first got there cuz he was scared but his aunt (aka ME) calmed him, and best of all, got some really awesome gifts!






Here he is giving his new "Noony" (aka Snoopy) stuffed animal an eskimo kiss. He loves him some Noony!

Another 1st.

It's my nephew's 1st birthday on Tuesday. My sister and I are preparing for his big bang of a birthday party tomorrow. She's out shopping and I'm watching the little guy and making tons of pasta for the spaghetti dish we'll be munching on tomorrow.

I'll post pictures sometime soon.

Stolen post.

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1sts

My nephew, who turns one on the 27th of this month, got his haircut for the first time ever today. My sister, in following with someones (I don't know whose) tradition of not cutting the baby's hair until s/he turns one, didn't cut his hair until today. Even though her big sister (aka ME) pestered her incessantly about cutting his hair because the sides were incredibly long and he was starting to look like a girl.

Before they head out to the barber for his cut I call her and whine to her that i've changed my mind; she shouldn't cut his hair. That he won't look like a baby anymore. And she laughs at me while I get teary eyed at the thought of my sweet baby nephew no longer being a baby.

So, she gets home and sends me pictures and I cry. I was right, he doesn't look like a baby anymore. He looks like a little boy. (Well, isn't that what he is?) And that makes me feel sad...for the fact that he's growing up and moving closer to being one. His 1st birthday.

Moving us closer to another 1st. The 1st anniversary of my mother's death.
Save for the fact that his birth is so close to my mother's death...and that makes me sad...not that I have a wonderful, sweet, lovely nephew, but that its been almost 1 year since my mom died.

Someone told me, the other day, that she would feel better as the 1st year anniversary drew near, then she would closer to the 1st month anniversary. I can't wrap my mind around that. I think I would rather be closer to the 1st month anniversary. For me, that would mean that I have more recent clear memories of my mother. Memories of having spoken with her, of having visited with her. Memories of the sound of her voice. But being closer to the 1st year leaves me with more faded memories. And that makes me sad.

Cruisin in the afternoon

My sister convinced me to take a vacation with her and her husband and son. We are taking a cruise. This is the boat we will be traveling on and the map shows our destination. I've never been, but they have and they love it. I'm not sure I will love it though. My idea of a vacation is one where I get to experience the local culture. I am not a sun goddess. But I do love to read and wouldn't mind spending a week reading for pleasure instead of for work. As I learn more about our trip, I'll fill you in.

Living My Best Life.

Okay, so now you know. I'm an Oprah fan. I think she has a lot of class. And, she inspires me to "live my best life." As such, I've been trying to speak and live in my truth. That means, I say what I believe to be truthful statements. Even if I risk being hurtful to others. Mind you, that does not mean I am purposefully mean. I do try to say truthful things in the most kindest of ways. This is where my clear understanding of what it means to be empathic and to be tactful comes in. And I do mean clear. (I have been well trained in this arena.) As well, I try to act in ways that feel true to me. I say "no" when I truly cannot deliver what I'm being asked to deliver and say "yes" when I can.

I really started living my best life after my mom died last year. Her death has led me to be mindful of many things. Including not having any regrets when I die. I've changed a lot since I decided to "Live My Best Life." I've cleaned my house and thrown away all sorts of things I was saving because I thought I would need this or that sometime, only the sometime never came. I also donated all the clothes I haven't worn in a year. I also followed Dr. Oz's advice and cleaned out my cupboards and refrig of all the bad things. As a result of this last effort, I've lost 5lbs and an inch without trying too hard.

I'm also on the verge of making some major changes in my life. Coming to the decision to make these changes was fairly traumatic, but since I've made them, and taken action on them I feel pretty good.

Weather report

The forcast for today, in metro Detroit, Michigan is sunny skies, with a light breeze. The temperature is now 82 degrees Fahrenheit...in my office. The temperature outside is 43 degrees Fahrenheit.

I am just schvitzing! For those of you who aren't Jewish, and don't speak Yiddish schvitzing means sweating.

I've taken to wearing layers so I can shed them 1 by 1 without giving my office neighbors a peep show. They would probably like that, however I would not.

Okay...back to work now. I just needed a break.

Weather warm-up

I'm sitting in my office right now enjoying the sound of the birds and the sight of the sun. However, since I can see the sun from my office, one can guess that my office window is a south facing window. That means the sun just pours in the warmth from late morning till late afternoon making my office unbearably hot. Normally, I don't complain when the sun is out. I love the sun. Mind you, I don't have, nor am I convinced in the existence of S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) but my office just boils when the sun is in the sky. Because it's still winter, the air conditioning in the building is not on...yet. Even when its on, it never quite cools my office down. I have a fan blowing outside air into my office, but even that doesn't work. I've also closed the blinds shutting out most of the sun, but that doesn't work. And when I do that, I can't enjoy the sunshine. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard space. What's a girl to do?

Cheater cheater

I think I cheated when I "wrote" my post on lemons. I really don't think I wrote it. Well, I wrote the first paragraph, and posted one of my pictures but the rest I didn't write. So, I apologize for misleading you and I will now write about lemons.

I like lemons. {See my picture on left.} I think they are gorgeous! Besides being gorgeous fruit I use them for so many things. I use them to season food. I love lemon garlic chicken. And I make a mean lemon garlic chicken dish. I also use lemons to season my water, to lighten my hair, to tighten my pores, to make my garbage disposal smell nice and to clean the smell of garlic and onions off my hands. Just saying the word lemon conjures up, in my mind, a wonderful smell. The word has also been used to describe a certain type of yellow.

What do you think about lemons?

Did I say Basement Shmasement?

Now that's a basement! This is the basement in my new house. See how nice it looks? Do you think this space will be used for storage? That's right, not on your life.

Notice the nice fireplace? It isn't working right now, but it will be by the time all is said and done.

I also have a nice bathroom, pantry, office, laundry room space and walk-in closet (leftover from my old house.) I think I'm going to like this space.

When Life Gives You Lemons Make Lemonade.

Who knew that lemon's were so lovely and yet so impossible a fruit with such versatile uses except, of course, to be eaten raw by most adults. This picture is of a toddler I know who had no trouble devouring her half of the lemon. Her twin brother had no trouble eating his half. I wonder why toddlers don't seem to mind the intense sourness of the fruit, while most adults I know can't tolerate it. Read the following:

When I was just a lad of ten, my father said to me
"Come here and take a lesson from the lovely Lemon Tree"
"Don't put your faith in love, my boy" my father said to me
"I fear you'll find that love is like the lovely Lemon Tree"

Lemon Tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat
Lemon Tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat

One day beneath the Lemon Tree, my love and I did lie
A girl so sweet that when she smiled the stars rose in the sky
We passed that summer lost in love beneath the lemon tree
the music of her laughter hid my father's words from me

Lemon Tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat
Lemon Tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat

One day she left without a word. She took away the sun
And in the dark she left behind, I knew what she had done
She'd left me for another, it's a common tale but true
A sadder man but wiser now I sing these words to you

Lemon Tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat
Lemon Tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat

(According to Wikipedia, Will Holt wrote this song. Peter, Paul and Mary recorded as well as a number of other artists.)

and............


Lemon trees bloom and produce fruit year-round. Each tree can produce between 500 and 600 pounds of lemons in a year.


Next time you have a sore throat, reach for a lemon!
Add the juice of one lemon to an equal amount of hot water for an anti-bacterial gargle.


Food historians say lemons have been in cultivation around the Mediterranean from as early as the first century A.D.


High in vitamin C, lemons prevent scurvy, a disease that causes bleeding gums, loose teeth and aching joints. To this day, the British Navy requires ships to carry enough lemons so that every sailor can have one ounce of juice a day.


The demand for lemons and their scurvy-preventing properties hit a peak during the California Gold Rush of 1849. Miners were willing to pay huge sums for a single lemon. As a result, lemon trees were planted in abundance throughout California.


During the European Renaissance, fashionable ladies used lemon juice as a way to redden their lips.


California and Arizona produce 95% of the entire U.S. lemon crop.
(from Sunkist.com)

and............

(From USHistory.org/franklin/fun/lemon)

Did you know you can make electricity without a battery or a generator? You can make a small amount of electricity with a lemon. To make a lemon battery and feel the electric "juice" flow, just read the materials and procedure.

Materials
You'll need these materials to make the Lemon Battery:

1 fresh lemon
1 sharp knife
1 dime and 1 penny. Or you can use a zinc and copper strips
1 adult helper

Procedure

1. Shake and roll the lemon on a table to "activate" the juices in the lemon.
2. cut two small slices in the lemon about 1/2 inch apart. The penny and dime will go in these slits.
3. Place your penny into one slot and your dime into the other slot.
4. With your tongue touch both the penny and the dime at the same time. Can you feel anything? Maybe a tingling?

How It Works

The acid in the lemon reacts differently with each of the two metals. One of the coins contains positive electric charges, while the other contains negative electric charges. These charges create current, which will flow if the battery circuit is complete. Your tongue acts like a wire and conducts the charges, making the circuit complete. The complete electric circuit causes a small amount of electricity to flow, which causes the sensation on your tongue. Regular batteries are very similar to your lemon battery. Good Job!

Oscar? Who's that?

For someone who has not seen a movie in quite a while, which means I haven't seen any of the movies that were nominated to win, doesn't it seem strange to you that I would have watched the Oscars? I got the buzz on all the movies that have been released this past year and now know which one's I would like to view. Here's my list:
1. Last King of Scotland--I REALLY like Forest Whitaker (He made a huge impression on me when I saw him in the Crying Game!
2. Elizabeth--I think I would really enjoy this movie, it looks like it would be lovely, and I think I might want to see this one on a big screen.
3. Little Miss Sunshine--I like Alan Arkin, this one I could watch on DVD.
4. Pan's Labyrinth-- although I think I might find this movie a bit anxiety provoking and would need to see it on a big screen.
5. I might want to see Dream Girls, but definitely on DVD.

--No, I have no interest in seeing The Departed, but I probably will watch it once it comes out on DVD.

What I remember about the day my mother died.

I was in a sound sleep. My phone rang. I woke up with a start and just knew that something was wrong. What was wrong was either the person calling meant to call someone else; that the person calling meant to call me and because it was the middle of the night it couldn’t be about something pleasant, or chit chatty; or that something bad had happened to someone I care about.

I looked at the clock. It was 4:38 in the morning. I quickly grabbed the phone and said “hulloh.” I heard my sister say “are you awake? I need you to hear me. Mom’s dying.” I asked her to repeat herself, not because I didn’t hear her, but because I didn’t believe her and therefore thought I didn’t hear her correctly. So, she told me the story.

She said that she just got a call from the doctor, who was on duty at the hospital where my mom had been the past week and was getting ready to be moved to a rehab unit in just a few hours, who told her he was “really sorry” and that she needed “to get to the hospital right away”. In fact, she said, he repeated that he was “really sorry” about 3 times. She told me they tried to call me first, but didn’t get any answer. Then she told me she called Carl already. I asked her to “give me a minute” as I sat on my bed trying to get hold of myself and my mind. I did, surprisingly.

Then the caretaker/business woman in me kicked in and I asked her if she called our two brothers, our uncle (my mom’s brother) and our aunt (my father’s sister.) She said she would be okay calling her twin brother but would I call our other brother. I told her I would, and that I would call our aunt. She agreed to call our uncle. I told her I would get my things together and would get to the hospital just as soon as I could. I also told her that I needed to take a shower. She laughed, just a little, because laughing too much would mean that we didn’t care about our mother who was dying, and said, “yes, and you’ll have to brush your teeth too otherwise you won’t be comfortable.”

I reminded her that I would have to make a bunch of phone calls to cancel my patients, and that I would really be there soon. Then I asked her how she was doing. “In shock” she said. I told her I loved her and I would be there very quickly. I also promised her I would drive safely and I would call her from the road and asked her to try to keep her cell phone on. And, if she couldn’t would she call me every so often. What I wanted was a link, a bridge to her and the rest of my family and mostly, a bridge to my mom. Somehow, I thought that if she was in the room with my mom, or within feet of her, that I would feel connected to her. At that moment, I hated that I lived so far away. (It’s only an hour, but right then and there, it felt like a few thousand light years away.)

I told her I loved her probably about a million times during that phone call. And I meant it a million more. I know that we both cried during that phone call too. I think we also told each other that it wasn’t true, we didn’t believe it, and what were we going to do. I also think we both were angry and spit out that it just wasn’t fair. I know I felt like a very little girl who wanted my mommy. I think my sister felt that way too. I also know I didn’t want to hang up the phone; I didn’t want to let my sister go. I didn’t want the space between us to expand.

When we finally did hang up I got busy. I quickly jumped in the shower and took the fastest shower I’ve ever taken in my entire life. And, of course, I brushed my teeth. I put on the most comfortable clothes I could find. I packed what clothes, make-up, vitamins, medicines and whatever else I could think of that I might want for a week. I remember standing in my closet thinking “I should pack something to wear to the funeral” but quickly dismissed that idea because I still didn’t want to believe that my mom was dying. I then ran through all the things I needed to get organized before I left my house. I needed to call my neighbor to arrange for her to care for my cats. I needed to call my patients. And I needed to get safely to the hospital.

I think I was running on automatic pilot. But my energy was running out. I had to sit down. I had to catch my breath. I had to cry. I looked at the clock and it was a more reasonable time. It was close to 6. So I called my neighbor. I told her what was going on. I knew she would understand. Her husband died suddenly of a heart attack just 3 years prior. She assured me she would take care of my cats and whatever else I might need her to do for me while I was away. She told me to drive safely.

By this time, I was packing up my car and telling my cats that I would have to be gone for about a week. I told them what was going on. I think I talked to them because I had to relieve my anxiety somehow and talking to them was a comfort to me. I packed up the bottles of water I had. I threw some fruit, cheese and crackers in my insulated bag. I packed up some chocolate. And I put the remaining cans of soda in my trunk with the rest of the food I packed and locked my door. I remember sitting in my car; just sitting there. I didn’t want to leave. But I put the key in the ignition, started my car and started driving.

I was moving closer to my horrible, nightmarish reality. A reality that I couldn’t put off forever; even though I wanted to. I wanted to run back upstairs to my bedroom and crawl under the covers. I wanted to awaken to the sound of my alarm clock. I wanted to shake my head to clear the horrible memories of a bad dream; a nightmare. One where I get a phone call in the middle of the night from my sister telling me that mom was dying. But I understood it wasn’t a dream. As I was driving I was crying.

What does food mean to me?

Did I ever mention that I'm overweight? Probably not. But I am. Overweight that is. And, I'm stubborn. I keep thinking that I can lose weight on my own, my own way. And just today I'm beginning to think that maybe I can't. Maybe I need a little help.

I'm thinking about joining Weight Watchers. But, I don't want to just lose weight. I want to be healthy. I want to be in charge of my body and my weight and my spirit. Oh, and let's not forget my soul. I think I've been living with my eyes wide shut. Or maybe living half asleep. I'm not sure how to go about living my life with my eyes wide open. I feel like there's not enough time in the day to do all the things I want to do.

And don't think this is a new year's resolution, because it's not. I don't make promises. This is just something I owe myself. I'm not sure how it will go or even what it looks like.

I'll keep you posted.

Creative Constipation

I'm sitting here in front of my computer screen and the only thing that occurs to me is that I don't know what to write. Argh! I really don't know how you do it. How do you come up with those ideas of yours? This is not the first time I've written about this musing of mine. And, I still feel lacking.

Did I mention that I call it creative constipation? My creative juices seem to get stuck. And they are stuck. It's a horrible feeling.

Whew!

Thanks Rosie and Pete for your thoughts. I've not sold my house yet. But, I'm not feeling rushed at this moment. Which is quite a relief from how I've been feeling lately. Rushed and still full of grief over the unexpected loss of my mom earlier this year. I think that's been where my mind has been most lately. Trying to come to some place of peace with that. I think that will be a work in progress for the rest of my days.

Interesting to note that a number of people have made a comment that I am now an orphan. (My father died over 20 years ago.) But I don't think of myself as such. I believe that orphans don't know that their parents loved them whereas I know that my parents loved me. I do feel as if I don't have an anchor however. I find that very interesting. I did not think of my mother as much of an anchor while she was alive. We had numerous difficulties, but I didn't realize how grounded I felt because she was alive.

Anyway...I've got to get back to earning a living and will add more to this post later.

I'm trying.

It has been a long time. I'm trying. There's been a lot going on. And with the holiday's coming, there's a lot more to come. Forgive me if I'm not around much. I'll keep trying.

Basement, Shmasement!

In case you didn't read all my posts, or didn't read them thoroughly, I'm trying to sell my house. I live in the middle of the midwest. Actually, I live in the middle of Michigan, which is the middle of the midwest...sort of. Anyway, my house has been on the market since April of this year. I started out trying to sell it on my own, but then tragedy struck and I had no energy for doing anything except for getting up in the morning and reminding myself to keep breathing (my mom died in May) so I decided to hire a realtor and let her do all the work. So far, she's done a fair amount of work. We argued back and forth about how much I should price my house at and she finally won. I reduced my asking price by about 20k and let her list it in the MLS and advertise it in the local real estate magazine.

Under normal circumstances, my house would have sold within 2 weeks of being put on the market. There was a house on my block that went up for sale the same weekend mine did back in April, just a tad smaller then mine, and as far as I'm concerned, not as nice as mine, but it had something my house doesn't have...a basement, and it sold within 2 weeks that it was listed. There was another house put on the market in the beginning of June which also sold within 2 weeks. It too had a basement and was about 300sq ft. smaller then mine. Clearly, if I had a basement, my house would have sold by now.

About 2 years ago I added a master suite on to the house. That's an entire second floor. Prior to that, my house was quite small with only 1 story. It was a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house with 1 fireplace. Now its a gigantic 2 story house with 3 bedrooms and 2 full baths. The master suite has a huge walk-in closet, remote controlled gas fireplace and a very luxurious bathroom with a jacuzzi tub and shower for two with body sprays. I've replaced all the flooring throughout most of the entire house and painted almost all the rooms. The roof is new; so is the airconditioner, the furnace, the water heater and the electrical system. With such luxury and all I can't understand why no one is snatching up my house.

I've had lots of lookers, which means its priced right. But all the feedback I get is that its a great house, its beautiful, and if only it had a basement.

I say basement, shmasement! They're just big rooms full of bugs, mold, mildew and the potential for leaks. Plus, they are places to store junk. I've lived in this house for almost 15 years and never had to worry about these things, including collecting more then I need. If I were living in the Middle of Michigan and looking to buy a really great looking house with lots of new features and a wonderful, luxurious, romantic upstairs get-a-way, I would snatch my house up in a heartbeat. Too bad I'm trying to sell it!

Trying out Beta

I'm checking out the Beta version of this blog site and so far I like it very much. See if you notice anything different. I'd be interested in reading your comments, if you have any.

No, I'm Not Eccentric!

Do you have pets? Well, I do. 2 Cat's. I never knew that cat's could be so expensive. It's the cute little one on the bottom that costs me soooooooo much money. You see, when I first got her she was teeny tiny. Actually, she was the runt of the litter and was the cutest! (Remind me never to bring home a runt ever again!) However, she was a very sickly kitty and I didn't know it at the time. That was 2 years ago. She had diarrhea and all sorts of other issues that developed and eventually seemed to disappear on their own. All except the diarrhea. All the tests that were done revealed no major abnormalities except for a tad elevation in her white blood cells. 2 years later and still nothing shows up in the diagnostic tests. She's had numerous rounds of antibiotics all to no avail. The vet I use has repeatedly wondered if my little kitty has food allergies. So, finally she decided that we should try feeding her only prescription allergy food. So I agreed. Little did I know that prescription allergy food is more costly than diamonds. (Well, okay so I'm exagerating a little bit. But just a little!) This stuff costs $43.00 for a 10lb bag of dry food. Let me repeat that: $43.00 for 10lbs! And a case of 24 cans cost $40.00. That's the medium size cans. So, today I spent $83.00 on food for the cats which I hope lasts more than 2 weeks cuz if it doesn't, then I'll be spending more on food for the cats then I do for myself.

This whole experience reminds me of when I was in college. Way back when I was a sophomore in college I had 3 cats that I couldn't afford to take care of. I was spending more on food for them then I was for myself. I am not eccentric! Even though many of you might think I am. Except that you all might be right about this! The vet who was caring for my cats when I was in college said so herself.

How Do YOU Do It?

Okay, so I've been checking out some other blog sites and I just don't get how you all do it. How are you able to write a new post each and every day? First, when do you find the time and B. where do you get those witty ideas from? Regarding time, I wouldn't be writing this post now if my 4:00 appt had not forgotten our appointment. So, it's 4:20pm, EST, and since I have a no-show I've got 45 minutes to do something else. (Since this is a new patient, I can't charge this person for a missed appointment so I feel it completely appropriate to really do something else!) And, I've chosen this to be that "something else". So, please do tell, where do you find the time, and where do your ideas come from?

Some of the blogs I've read are really wonderful. I've learned quite a bit and have gotten quite a few really good laughs from the reads as well. So, thank you for the entertainment and if you feel like sharing where your ideas are born out of I'd love to read about it!

Ack, Reading Mom's Diary and Wanting More!

Is that a hair ball, or am I really sick? Oh no. I think I'm sick. I'd rather it be a hair ball. But I'm not so lucky. I've been sneezing on an off all day today. Yuck. I think I'm getting a cold. You know, one of those yucky, put you in bed, summer colds.

Anyway...here's what my post is really about.



My sister found my mom's diary a couple weeks back. She read it and told me I should read it. She said I would enjoy the read. She was right. It wasn't anything heavy. My mom wrote it during her senior year in high school. It was light reading. She mostly wrote about who she spent her day with, whether or not she went to school that day (there were a few days she played hooky) if she and my dad went out that day and on every page she wrote "I love Bob." She would also write whether or not she and Bob (my dad by the way) "scrunged" that day. I think that meant whether or not they made out. Numerous entries were quite funny. I laughed a lot.

I wish she had thought to share it with us while she was alive. What a nice time we could have reading her diary together and then talking about her high school years and dating my dad. I would have enjoyed that immensely. After having read her diary I have a ton of questions that I wish I could have asked her. And since my dad's gone too (he died 20 years ago this year) I can't ask him. So, I'll never know.

We told our brothers about having found it. My older brother is very interested in reading it. My younger brother's reaction sort of surprised me. He doesn't think he wants to read it because he feels he's invading her privacy. That made me pause, for just a brief moment. I then realized that I don't feel the same way. I think we learn a lot about people by reading their diaries...its just too bad most aren't read until after the person has passed away-cuz then we can't ask questions or ask the author to elaborate on what she's written. I told him as much and my sister and I left our mom's diary with him for him to decide whether or not he wishes to read it.

Now, my sister and I are going through my mom's photo albums. I've done that more than a million times, but now that my mom's gone, going through the pictures has a different feel. I'm looking at them differently. I want to ask a ton of questions, but there's no one to ask. I want to know who everyone is in the pictures and what they meant to my mom. And what they meant to my dad.

---A week after my mom died I received a phone call from an old friend of my mom's. I knew her way back but hadn't known that she and my mom had kept in touch all these years. She moved out of state many years ago, but whenever she returned, she would call my mom and take her out to lunch. I did not know this. Anyway, she called me and told me she would like to take me out to lunch. She and her 1st husband and children were good friends with my parents and my older brother and myself. Her husband died during the Viet Nam war. Her son and my brother were good friends and her daughter and I were good friends. Her son died when he was 16 in a car accident. I have not seen her daughter in many years. When she called and asked me to lunch I jumped at the invitation. How I long to learn more about my mom.

My feelings and thoughts about my mom are influenced by my growing up years which were fraught with dysfunction, illness and anger. Now that my mom is gone, I realize that there was more to my mother then my colored memories of her. I want to know her as a person, separate from me, separate from her being my mother. I want to know what she was like as a friend, a daughter, a sister and especially a woman. So, I'm on a mission to talk with anyyone I can find who knew my mother.

I'm truly sorry that I was not able to reach this place of understanding, curiosity and loving prior to her death however, that is the way it usually works.

Did y'all hear the news?

Brad on The Young And The Restless is Jewish! It's in the Jewish News. Now, he's been calling himself Don Diamonte, but his real name is Bruce Feinberg. And, did you also know that Paula Abdul is Jewish. Yep, that's right. You know the rule...you are what your mother is and since her mother is Jewish, that makes her a jew. (Here's my claim to fame, or my 6 degrees of separation...Paula is a 3rd cousin of mine twice or thrice removed.)

Who else has been keeping their Jewish heritage a secret? Hmmmmm?

Cha Cha Cha Changes

Per the title:

--Pete's back!!!

--My nephew has moved in to my new (2nd house.) And, he even organized all the boxes that are taking up residence in the living room since the basement is torn apart from the water-proofing ordeal. Now the living room looks liveable. Who knew he'd be such a mench?

--And, I seem to have an attitude shift that's occurred over the past few days. You may recall from reading earlier posts that I'm trying to sell my house. This past december I purchased another house in a different city, closer to my mom and sister. Unfortunately, my mom passed away this past May, but I'm still planning to make the move just as soon as I sell my other house. I've really been struggling with my feelings about this, as I really like my first house and not so much the second. (Yes I put a ton of work into the first, including adding an upstairs master suite.) I've been really feeling conflicted about moving; being faced with the loss of my house that I love so much, and then the more painful loss of my mother. So, I've been struggling and feeling really stressed about the move, money, my work etc., but I've noticed that I'm feeling somewhat more peaceful. I think because I see myself starting my business in the "new" city differently from how I started it in the "old" city. And I see that the differences are paying off. Slowly, but none the less, paying off. That makes me happy.

The things we do to ourselves

I am struggling today. I want to be angry with my step father. He has been cleaning out the house of all his stuff and today he got the carpets cleaned. Not something I should be upset with him for. But...read on.... These are things my mom had wanted him to do for the longest time. She would complain to him and they would fight about this on and off for as long as I can remember. She used to complain about how miserable she was in the house. How unhappy she was about how dirty and messy the house always was. It was always so full of stuff. Really cluttered and very disorganized. He's a pack-rat. He grew up during the depression and is one of those people who feel as if he's got to have a lot of stuff, just in case the stock market crashes again and he loses all his money. A number of years ago I had even spoken with his daughter and told her that my mom was very unhappy, that he was not willing to do it himself and that we (my siblings and I) were concerned because it was so bad it was a fire hazard. But nothing changed. Anyway, so now he's doing it. The house looks great! My sister tells me the carpets look almost new. And I'm upset because I wish he would have done this when my mom was alive.

Okay, so I'm chewing on this all day and I realize that I feel guilty. Why guilt you ask? Well, let me tell you why...I think I should have done more for my mom when she was alive. I should have forced my step-dad to clean out the house of all his junk, and to get the carpets cleaned and to etc., etc., etc. And I didn't. So...I feel angry with him so I don't have to feel guilty myself for not taking better care of her.

And I chew on this for most of the evening and I realize that my mom should have taken better care of herself. And she didn't. And I did try to help her get him to clean his stuff and to enlist his daughter in trying to get him to clean his stuff. But really, she needed to be able to step up and deal with him. To take better care of herself.

Through all of this digesting...I am feeling really really sad. And missing my mom a lot this evening. I also realized that I haven't felt sad in a couple of days, and I actually found myself singing along with the stereo and dancing to the beat. And for this...I feel even more guilt.

So I chew on this for about 30 minutes and remind myself that I am not dead. That I am alive and I have to figure a way to keep on living in the face of knowing that I am (just like we all are) dying.

So, I hope I don't get indigestion.

(to R.L., in a moment of missing)

It wasn’t just two weeks ago that you left here.
And drove to some far away place.
I think of you every day, every hour, every minute.
I think of you every breath.

It used to be that breathing was easy
when you were near.
Now, I can’t take in your scent.
Patchouli puts me in a moment of missing you.
I remember the tastes of the meals we prepared,
the rhythm of the music we listened to,
if only in a moment of missing.

You told me you had to go find something.
To make you happy.
I told you I understood.
I didn’t want to be mean. So I said that.
Now, in a moment of missing you,
I want to take it back.
I want to be mean.
You left me, remember?

What I've learned lately...

Okay, so I'm supposed to teach a course this fall and I'm beginning to panic a bit. My first full-semester course. I've been doing a lot of reading and believe I'm learning a lot but I don't feel I know enough to teach the class. So, I find that I always do something that complicates matters. I meander around in the citations looking at the articles and papers referenced, read them and think I need to include them in what I'll be teaching. I also do this when I'm writing articles. What happens next is I end up feeling overwhelmed and lose interest in writing or teaching because it ends up being way toooooooo much. I struggle making a plan and sticking to it. So, then I end up feeling compelled to research writing research papers and applying what I find to teaching.

1000

I'm shooting for 1000 hits to my blog. I've decided that will make me feel special. Or at least that my blog is special. But, I have a hard time thinking that, really, as I haven't gotten that many comments. The one person who left the most comments seems to have fallen off the face of the blogging world. I'm not sure what happened to him, except maybe he's gotten caught up in family stuff. Who knew! Anyway...somehow the idea of having 1000 hits to my blog is really doing something for me.

If you're one of those 1000 hits I'd appreciate any comments you care to leave. As long as they are kind.

Amended list of things to do:

 


Believe I have enough! 

I wish you enough.

This came to me in an e-mail today, and now I share it with you.

When we said , 'I wish you enough', we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them".

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude
Bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

Whisker collection.

I wish I had saved all the whiskers my cat's have lost over the years. I bet I'd have quite a few, since I've had cat's since I was a teenager. But anyway, back to the whisker thing...I find them in the most unusual places and I'm always a little intrigued about them. They're (the whiskers) are so stiff and sharp on the one end, while they're so flexible and soft on the other. I know what they're all about since I've paid attention to my cats over the years. In case you don't know what whiskers are all about, you can check out this site:

"http://science.howstuffworks.com/question592.htm"

So, what would I do with all those whiskers? I dunno. Maybe just keep them in a pile someplace, or put them in a jar standing up with the soft side up. That might be kind of cool.

---Sorry, I couldn't get the link command to work. I'll try again later.---

The Music Genome Project.

If you like good music, and if you are always on the look out for more good music check out this site...Pandora.com. I've found some really nice music that I've never heard before by bands I've never heard of before. Go there now!

Things To Do:

1. Sell my house.
2. Get boxes to pack stuff in.
3. Take cell phone back to store for replacement. (It randomly shuts itself off.)
4. Finish cleaning office.
5. Return phone calls.
6. Stick to weight watchers plan.
7. Laundry.


Did I mention I need to sell my house?

Something fun.

Your Observation Skills Get A B

Your senses are pretty sharp (okay, most of the time) And it takes something big to distract you!

How Observant Are You?

And more fun............

Your Birthdate:

You have a Type A personality so big it makes other Type A's shrink away in shame. You never shy away from adversity - and you love to tackle impossible problems. Failure is not an option for you, and more than a few people are put off by your ego. You tend to be controlling, and you hate leaving anything up to chance. Your strength: Your bold approach to life Your weakness: You don't accept help Your power color: Bronze Your power symbol: Pyramid Your power month: October

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Miss you.

Pete, if you're out there, I miss reading your blog!

Happy 4th!

  

More from Cape May Point

  

Just Buzzin Around!

  

Cape May Point Lighthouse

 

Another pic from Cape May Point. 

Cape May Point

 

Sunrise on the beach at Cape May Point. Have you ever been? 

Zack's foot.

  

Zack is my new nephew. He's growing so fast! He's 3 months and 2 weeks old tomorrow! What a love he is. And how fast he's growing. I can't believe it. I am so grateful that my mom had the chance to meet him and hold him before she died. My sister is an amazing mom. (I hope she reads this post!)

Footprint

  

I've been away for so long I'm not sure how to get started. So much has happened. Should I start with the good stuff or the bad? I guess I'll start with what's formost on my mind. I lost my mom 2 months ago. She had an aneurysm. (I think that's how its spelled.) It was completely unexpected. She didn't have any symptoms. I am so very raw and today I've felt sick to my stomach all day. I've got so much on my mind about this but I don't feel like writing any more about it now.

On a better note...my sister had her baby at the end of March. He is a cutey.